My eldest son has created incredible success in his very short life. He is gifted in a number of areas from athletics to maths to music. He has had access and opportunity in eleven years far beyond that which I enjoyed or even dreamed of in the first thirty years of my life.
And yet this is his greatest weakness.
When he enters a race and wins first time (and the next time and the next time) he is rewarded for where he is at, not for where he is going. There is no incentive to grow. To try harder. To truly raise his game to his own level.
When he can play a piece of music that only handful of boys his age can play it seems like he is a great musician. There is no incentive to grow, he is already beyond the top of his class. He quickly gets to the 85% that can keep him there, but then stops (as everyone’s jaws drop at this level) and does not take it to the 100% he is capable of. That is much more difficult.
In fact, like Dweck reports in Mindset, as success comes easy there is a powerful reason not to grow.
Growth means making mistakes.
Making mistakes means not winning the first time.
There is no incentive for that. There is no, “Well done”, no, “Wow, that is amazing”.
And I know that I as a parent have contributed to this.
In his brilliance, he has developed a fixed mindset. He is afraid of failing.
I noticed today he had downloaded a new game to his phone.
He quickly mastered the first level, so I sat down with him to talk about it.
How are you getting on with your game?
– I love it.
Is it easy?
– Well, it is pretty easy, the controls are simple.
Was it always easy?
– No, I was terrible in the beginning.
What happened when you very first played it?
– I got 14%
Oh, that is not very much (I teased him). Why did you only get 14%?
– Oh, I died. I crashed and died.
How did you die?
– I made a mistake.
Wow, you made a mistake? What did you do then?
– I played it again
Did you make more mistakes?
– I made loads
So how did you get better?
– I played it loads of times, I practiced
So you made mistakes, and you kept practicing?
– (with the penny dropping) Oh, hmmm, yes. I practiced
Did the mistakes teach you?
– (somewhat reluctantly) Yes, they taught me how to avoid dying
So if you make mistakes you can learn more, and if you practice you will get better until you get 100%
– (Laughing a lot) Yes
Where else do you think you could use this strategy?
– (lots more laughter)
It was such a powerful moment to find a really powerful and personal metaphor for him that helped him understand that it is OK to make mistakes and that mistakes can really help him grow.
Unsticking a fixed mindset.
Now my challenge as a father is to understand how to truly encourage the growth mindset and not reward him (which is too easy) for his natural successes. Perhaps this is the hardest part of all.
Photo: Pixabay