Vulnerability in Men: The Key to a Woman’s Heart

Men, would it surprise you to know that emotionally available is the new sexy? Amongst the key things that women look for in a life partner is the capacity to be emotionally open and supportive, communicative, and honest. In recent times, men have been evolving beyond the archaic need for a machismo attitude, where they feel the need to hide vulnerability and express themselves through silent and ever-building frustrations. In fact, according to a recent survey made by GQ, 48 percent of men feel fine about abandoning the old-school notion of masculinity, which goes to show that many men are ready to move past the line of thinking that depicts vulnerability as a sign of weakness. In reality, repressing all emotion until it festers into a mental disease isn’t healthy, and results have shown that it’s not attractive, either.

Clarity, an app that provides the tools and resources to help people successfully navigate every stage and facet of their love lives, takes a deep dive into the topic of vulnerability in men through tapping into the research and expertise of its 50+ renowned dating and relationship expert team. Clarity expert and celebrity matchmaker Carmelia Ray posed the topic to women, and therein a message for men. After interviewing hundreds of women throughout the lockdown and thousands over the last twenty-eight years, women unanimously share they’re attracted to a man who is not afraid to express himself, show vulnerability, and believes in open communication.

Traditional gender roles are diminishing as more and more men and women share household responsibilities, income, and resources. Women who are capable of providing for their own financial needs often desire a man who can share emotional weight during tough times. A man who has high EQ, self-confidence, and self-awareness is highly desirable as a life partner.

Let’s examine two different types of men. One was raised to be machismo; the result of this upbringing was a man who errs on the side of expressing himself through anger, rather than opening himself up, until the times few and far between when this repression of his emotion comes to a boiling point. The other was raised in a contrary manner, his father having left Mexico for the very desire of not being machismo, and expressing his true self. Likewise, his son is far more forthcoming with his emotions and his vulnerability through communication, as well as the occasional hearty weep.

This trend is reflected in their romantic lives, the prior having a bit of difficulty maintaining a lasting relationship, while the other who was raised without traditional ideals about manliness does show some capacity for the building of long-lived and meaningful relationships.

Call it machismo, masculinity, manchinesu, or whatever you will. The fact of the matter remains: when you reserve vulnerability and emotion from fear of appearing weak, the result is ultimately not being able to handle intimacy or being forthcoming and communicative when it matters, and in the worst case, self-destructive. When open communication and truthfulness with one’s emotions are so important to maintaining healthy relationships, this old-school idea about manliness can hinder both the expression of one’s true self, as well as aforementioned interpersonal relationships, romantic or otherwise.

This idea of the unfeeling man is a façade, best left to Clint Eastwood. We’re not encouraging anyone to start crying on the first date or while you’re picking out produce at the supermarket. That said, there’s a difference between showing a modicum of restraint and blatantly refusing intimacy and suppressing one’s vulnerability. Nothing kills a full-fledged relationship faster than a man who can only express himself through anger or nonchalance. What’s more, nothing kills a person’s depth and personality than hiding behind a façade.

While a first date with any one of Eastwood’s gritty and monotonous characters might be interesting one at least, that kind of cold, emotional unavailability is hardly something that most women would want to put a ring on. It can show a lack of depth really quickly, which is a shame because it’s that emotion that’s being repressed that shows complexity of character, capacity for intimacy, and self-awareness – all the things that appeal to anyone who wants to build a happy and lasting relationship in the modern age. Perhaps if men ceased to conceal themselves behind the veil of unwavering manliness drilled into the male psyche generation after generation, they could show their significant other, and maybe all women that we are all just human, with all the emotions and compassion that it brings.