When Is an Orange More Than an Orange?

I just heard about a TikTok trend that encourages people to ask their partner if they would be willing to peel an orange for them. Apparently, it is a measure of how much this person loves you and is willing to go out of their way for you, even for something as simple as taking the rind and fiber off the sweet, juicy Vitamin C packed fruit. Most people are capable of doing that task for themselves, but may feel cared for and nurtured if their loved one takes it upon themselves to make life easier for them.

Let’s look at this as an act of service.

In 2009, Gary Chapman, PhD, published The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The anthropologist, therapist, theologian, author and speaker has observed, both in his own marriage and others’ relationships, that these partnerships are more likely to thrive among people who understand each other’s primary needs, as well as their ways of demonstrating these needs. Dr. Chapman outlines five distinct ways in which people express love to significant others, including partners, parents, children, and friends. While each of these methods is an important aspect of mating, dating and relating, each person values these love languages differently. They are:

• Word of affirmation: These could include praise and compliments on appearance, achievements or kind actions.
• Acts of service: These could include running errands or doing tasks that make the loved one’s day easier.
• Receiving gifts: These could include presents of any size. Because these gifts require planning, they help the receiver feel as if the giver is thinking of him or her even when they’re not together.
• Quality time: This could include being in each other’s presence with undivided attention.
• Physical touch: This could include nurturing contact, sitting close by each other, holding hands, hugging and massage. This touch might involve sexual interaction, but it doesn’t have to.

The Five Love Languages website includes a 30-question test to determine which of the languages are most prominent for the person taking it.

Consider your relationships, whether with romantic partners, friends, children, parents or co-workers. How much are you willing to either allow them to serve you or to be of service to them? As a grandparent who cares for my grandchildren most mornings, I am on call to be of service the entire time I am there. “Bubbe, (Yiddish for grandmother) can I have a drink of water? Bubbe, can I have a snack?  Bubbe, can we play a game? Bubbe, can we go outside? Bubbe, will you read to me? Bubbe, will you help me put on my clothes, jacket, shoes?” Depending on who is asking, (my nearly four year old grandson, Dean will ask in words and 18 month old Lucy will roar, screech, wave, bring over the items she either wants to play with or wear or eat.), I am doing this countless times in those three hours five times a week. I do it with joy and gratitude that I have the opportunity to be with my little gurus who teach me the art of patience and play. Even though I know they can do some of those tasks themselves, I am happy to do it for them some of the time. Nothing like being needed and even, indispensable. I do ask them to do things for me too, such as clearing toys out of the way so I don’t step on them or trip over them. My granddaughter has started feeding me slices of the little halo oranges that she selects from the refrigerator and I have peeled for her.

As a consummate caregiver, I do find it challenging at times to ask to be waited on unless I am ill or otherwise incapacitated. I have generous friends who have run errands for me, brought over homemade soup and applesauce, treated for meals or movies. I happily do the same for them. I am sure we would peel oranges for each other. We might even feed each other.

“There is an old Hasidic story of a rabbi who had a conversation with the Lord about Heaven and Hell. “I will show you Hell,” said the Lord, and led the rabbi into a room containing a group of famished, desperate people sitting around a large, circular table. In the center of the table rested an enormous pot of stew, more than enough for everyone. The smell of the stew was delicious and made the rabbi’s mouth water. Yet no one ate. Each diner at the table held a very long-handled spoon–long enough to reach the pot and scoop up a spoonful of stew, but too long to get the food into one’s mouth. The rabbi saw that their suffering was indeed terrible and bowed his head in compassion.