I turned seventy this year; a chronologic fact that I still can’t get my head around, even though the rest of my body seems to be quite at home with the idea. I’m amazed and slightly ashamed to realise that it’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve felt I was beginning to have a clue about what is important in life, and about the gentle art of remaining happy even in the face of adversity or other people’s ridiculous or dangerous behaviour.
So, I ask for your patience and indulgence with this list, dear good-man-reader. Nobody likes a know-all of any age, who thinks they have all the answers; but I’m sharing this list of things I’ve learned, in the hope that one or two of the insights I’ve gained (none of which are remotely original, I know) may possibly prove to be of interest or of value to you.
- If I want someone else to listen to me, I need to grow a pair – of ears; and show them first that I’ve heard what they’re trying to tell me. What matters in a relationship is sharing and respecting feelings, not arguing about ‘facts’; kindness, not being ‘right’.
- I cannot solve anyone else’s problems, and can only support them in doing that for themselves; in the way that they choose – not in the way I think they should. I might think I know what’s best for them, but it’s best to keep my advice to myself unless it’s asked for.
- When I need to be ‘loved’ in order to feel good about myself, I am always disappointed. But if I can choose to give love unconditionally, and receive it as a gift rather than as a ’right’, I can find peace of mind and happiness.
- My mind cannot solve the problems created by that same mind. And many of my ‘life problems’ actually are just fantasies and fears that don’t exist in the real world. ‘Think less – Live more” is my motto now.
- Other people are much (much) more interested in themselves than they are in me. And if they give any other impression, it may be an attempt to manipulate me.
- I am not more, or less, important than anyone else. I’m unique – but not special.
- Guilt is useless. If I’m not happy with how I’ve acted, the important thing is to make reparation if I can, learn from my mistakes, and choose to do things differently in the future.
- I cannot change anyone else’s behaviour – only how I respond to them, including modelling how I’d like them to be with me.
- My happiness comes from what I give others, not from what I can get from them. And receiving gracefully is the gift of allowing someone else the pleasure of giving to me.
- What others feel about me is always at least partly a projection of how they feel about themselves. So, it makes sense not to take it too personally if they hate me. How I imagine other people see me is always distorted, anyway. Best to focus on being true to myself, and not worry what other people think
- My motivations are a mixture of my confident (loving) and my fearful (selfish) natures. I can’t be a saint, so my happiness seems to depend on getting the right kind of balance between them and owning up to myself and others when my selfish side takes over.
- Wounds from the past that are buried can cause me to act in ways I don’t understand, until I become conscious of them and can bring them up into the light to where they can heal.
- Everyone is doing their best, and has reasons for how they behave that I may not understand. There’s no point getting angry with them. The only sensible response to anyone’s damaging behaviour is compassion, combined with whatever boundaries I need to make myself safe.
- Most of what we humans think and do is ridiculous – so it’s smart to laugh at myself, as well as everyone else, as much as possible!
- The best three rules I know for a ‘good’ life are: do what I love; try to do some good; and be sure to do no harm. Simple as.
—
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info?
A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com