British film director Duncan Roy on his con-man dad, perpetuating shame, and washing under his… well, why don’t you just read for yourself.
We fell in love with British film director Duncan Roy on VH1’s Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew, where he was a much-needed yin to beauty queen Kari Ann Peniche’s endlessly annoying yang. (Roy actually seemed to want to recover from his addiction, and he didn’t demand that orange juice be delivered to his bedside in the morning.) Check out Roy’s fascinating and controversial blog, and be sure to check back soon as he debuts as a Good Men Project Magazine columnist.
1) Who taught you about manhood?
Being a man has never been something that I felt truly at ease with. I found it incredibly hard to make sense of what kind of man I am. A gay man, a man who loves men. My stepfather was a brutal man (I knew that I didn’t want to be like him), and the provincial gay men I met growing up were a conundrum. I wasn’t attracted to them, but I knew that I was them.
2) Has romantic love shaped you as a man?
I have loved women and men. My great romances with men shaped my understanding of what is what to be a man. But the men I fall in love with can never give me what I need. I understand my limitations as a man when I am in love with a man.
3) What two words describe your dad?
4) How are you most unlike him?
I have compassion.
5) From which of your mistakes did you learn the most?
I was born into shame, and that I perpetuated that shame was my biggest mistake.
6) What word would the women in your life use to describe you, and is it accurate?
They often describe me as kind. I am very kind to women.
7) Who is the best dad you know, and how does he earn that distinction?
My friend John is a great dad. He listens and negotiates yet has good boundaries.
8 ) Have you been more successful in public or private life?
I don’t feel successful because I am prone to compare and despair.
9) When was the last time you cried?
I cried recently during the breakup of my last relationship. I sobbed uncontrollably a year ago when my darling dog was killed in front of me by a truck.
10) What advice would you give teenage boys trying to figure out what it means to be a good man?
Protect your heart.
For Bonus Points: What is the your most cherished ritual as a guy?
Washing under my foreskin.