Every relationship goes through rough patches. But how do you know when it’s in trouble? These 4 signs will help you.
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Every relationship goes through rough patches. A lot of times these rough patches work themselves out and you and your spouse come out at the end unscathed — maybe even you learned a thing or two from it. Some of the time, though, these rough patches are the beginning of a longer, harder road ahead. But how do you know the difference?
Below are four key signs that you should be aware of so that you know whether your relationship is just going through a rough patch or whether it’s something more serious.
1. Little, to no talking. Every couple goes through patches where they don’t talk as much. Whether it’s because of changing work schedules or even because of a recent fight. But if it happens most of the time because you want to avoid the inevitable fight you’re going to have or you just don’t want to include them on things you did during your day out of anger, this is a big sign that you’re going through more than just a rough patch.
2. Having the same bitter arguments over and over again. When couples argue they often come to a resolution. It may not be right away — it may take a day or two — but regardless, they usually come to some kind of resolution. Having the same bitter arguments over and over again are an obvious sign that your relationship is going through more than just a rough patch. You’re not resolving conflicts in ways that create healing in the relationship. In fact, the arguments are probably causing more damage every time you have them.
3. Emotional withdrawal. If you find yourself withdrawing from your spouse generally, you’re probably going through more than just a rough patch. Successful couples want to be with each other and include each other in significant things that happen in their life. Withdrawing emotionally from your spouse keeps yourself from emotionally connecting and denies your spouse the opportunity to do this with you. This is harmful to the relationship and some research shows that this could even be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
4. Spiteful feelings toward your spouse. If you ever just want your spouse to pay for what they’ve done or feel happy that something bad happened to them, this is a big sign that something is wrong with the relationship. In fact, if this ever happens it’s time to see a counselor quick. Successful couples share each other’s happiness, sadness, etc. They don’t feel happy at the other’s misfortunes.
Recognizing these signs in your marriage is a great way to tell whether you’re just going through a rough patch or whether there’s something more serious occurring in your relationship. There are lots of things you can do when you see these signs to help you get out of the bad place you’re in. Consult websites, self-help books and trusted loved ones who can help you overcome your relationship challenges. Also, nothing can replace a good marriage and family therapist.
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This post was previously published on FamilyShare.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I also agree that you hit this 100%. I really took a lot from this post and appreciate your insight. It’s hard to find a man’s perspective at times so this is great. I am actually reading Why Love Succeeds or Fails by Wendy Brown. It’s geared towards women mostly, but I have been able to take so much from it. Then to hear from a male side it rings even truer in some of the points made. Her site is whylovesucceeds.com, book info there and her info. It’s a great read, I wasn’t sure but I can say I… Read more »
Hi Aaron!
I usually tend to disagree with a lot of your articles but this time you nailed it. In particular points 3 and 4. Spot on.
should have typed “it can save”….not “I” can save.
Great list, Aaron. Thanks! I’m sure you find couples with ALL 4 going on. I’ve seen it too and both are to blame. The tools of communication, compromise, and sharing are completely foreign concepts at this point and, even if employed, are worthless in my opinion. It’s what I call the downward spiral. It ends with divorce or dying with a person you pretend to despise. So what if ONE person “sticks their foot out” to slow down the spiral? Without a concern about what the other thinks or feels about their efforts, one person can slow it down with… Read more »
Hi Steve
You write
✺”Are they better suited to do it than the woman? Now that’s a fun debate!”✺
Why do I have the feeling that you think men are best suited ?
You sometimes say men should lead.
I have no idea what that means 🙂
But then I am divorced, and have no experience with men that lead.
Hi Iben, Yes, my experience shows that *in a failing marriage*, the odds of a recovery are higher if the man takes the lead. I don’t think he is genetically better suited, no. But in TODAY’s culture and social conditioning, women need to feel HIM trying first and consistently displaying respectful behavior before SHE will try. Not always true – but I think “mostly”. Leadership is not another word for paternal behavior. In this context, it means going first and sticking to behavior patterns he expects from HIMSELF. This may or may not save the marriage, but are necessary for… Read more »
Good point, Steve. One person cannot save a marriage. They can slow it down. And they can make the situation better for themselves. In the end doing the work to slow down the spiral is good for the couple and the individual to whether the relationship stays or goes.