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(Question has been modified for space and clarity.)
I’ve been married for 20 years and have two kids. I have a strong, healthy sex drive, but my husband and I haven’t had sex in several years. He believes the man is the authority figure in the marriage. He dismisses/corrects/argues with everything I say, and he undermines me in front of the kids — all the while expecting me to back him up no matter what he does.
Going without sex is really tough, but when I think about sleeping with him, my skin crawls. I made myself do it for as long as I could but can’t anymore. I’ve lost ALL desire and romance toward him, and I can’t imagine ever thinking of him in a sexual way again. He comes across to me as a father, speaking to me the way he speaks to the kids, in an authoritative, parental tone. Given that, it’s creepy to think of having sex with him.
I don’t think I can leave, because while I do have a degree, I’ve been home with the kids for a decade, and it’d be tough to find a job we could survive on.
I’d also be breaking up the family. The kids adore their dad. He’s a good person in general and would give you the shirt off his back or help you anytime you called. He’s just not great at relating to his wife as an equal. We’ve been to marriage counseling several times, but since this hasn’t changed in 20 years, it’s not ever going to.
I feel trapped — can’t stay, can’t leave. What can I do?
–Myriam; Cleveland, OH
Women with strong, healthy sex drives are struggling these days. A few weeks ago, a Michigan woman couldn’t get her husband to sleep with her; now, you have no desire to sleep with yours. The Midwestern winter is more bone-chilling than I thought.
In all seriousness, your husband has no right to treat you this way. It’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s. He views himself as dominant while minimizing, chastising and talking down to you as if you’re his child, not his wife. Which, in his mind, are apparently the same thing.
This is why I’ve never understood how “Who’s your daddy?” could ever be said with sexual overtones. It’s far creepier and demeaning than it is seductive.
It feels as if your marriage has pushed past its breaking point, and not just in the bedroom. You want out. But there are real-world factors — family, finances — complicating your exit strategy.
Only you can decide what to do, but in terms of what you can do, I see three options:
1) Maintain the Status Quo
Nobody likes change.
After staring at my blinking cursor for lord knows how long, that’s the best justification I could muster for this option.
You’re in a relationship that fails to satisfy or respect you. So what can possibly be said in support of keeping things as is?
I understand your reason for staying put: You want to do what’s best for your family.
We’ll get to what that means in a minute, but for now, we can acknowledge that taking care of your kids emotionally and financially is a worthwhile cause.
But as I mentioned in that previous column, so is sex. Sex cannot be cast aside.
Yet that’s what you’ve been doing for the last several years. Actually, you’ve been (not) doing it for longer than that, because prior to quitting cold turkey, you were forcing your way through it, as if you were dragging yourself to the gym for your New Year’s resolution.
When was the last time you enjoyed this enjoyable activity? And how much longer can you go without it?
You’re human, and with nothing to satisfy you now and nothing to look forward to in the future, it’s conceivable that you could ultimately be driven to an affair — which would destroy your family in a much more devastating fashion.
2) Improve the Status Quo
Considering you used phrases such as “lost all desire” and “makes my skin crawl” in regard to sleeping with your husband, this option feels like the longest of long shots. But humor me for a few paragraphs…
Twenty years ago, you were (presumably) attracted to your husband. You were attracted enough to marry him and have two children with him.
Since he’s disrespected you in every way imaginable. But assuming he hasn’t let himself go physically, it’s this mistreatment that has (understandably) made you not want to have anything to do with him.
But what if he could rectify that mistreatment? What if he were to stop treating you as a subordinate? Could you be attracted to him then? Could you re-discover that attraction that convinced you to marry him in the first place?
I know you said that if things haven’t improved over two decades, they’re not going to now. You’re probably right.
But you also said that he’s been open to couples’ therapy in the past, so couldn’t he be again? If he’s a good guy at heart, maybe he could start actually behaving like one?
Again, it’s not likely. But it’s also not impossible.
Of course, even if he is capable of change, the only way it’ll matter is if you’re willing to change your opinion of him, as well.
3) Screw the Status Quo
Pun intended.
Your reasons for not divorcing are understandable. But they are also flawed.
While I believe in always prioritizing your children, I don’t believe in staying married for them. A wise woman (my mother, a therapist) once told me that kids are a reflection of their parents’ well-being.
And you’re not well. You’re suffering. You can mask this pain all you want, but kids are perceptive, and they become even more so with age. They’re going to pick up on the discord between you and your husband, if they haven’t already.
In trying to protect them, you’ll end up doing more harm than good.
Besides, is this the example of marriage you want to set for them?
As for your finances, I get it. Money is scary. I’m constantly worried about not having enough of it. And it’s convenient for me to sit on the sidelines and tell you how a little elbow grease will put food on your children’s plates.
But every day, people survive on less than they think they could, and so can you. No, it wouldn’t be easy, but you sacrifice, and you recalibrate, and you work hard, and you figure out a way.
Right now, you — and your kids — are in a toxic situation. You all deserve better.
So which is going to take precedence — your home, car, restaurant selection, and bank account, or your sanity?
How much are you willing to pay for your happiness?
What do you think? What advice would you give this reader? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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Need more advice? Check out the most recent installments:
The Election Has Torn My Family Apart
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@Brent Stoller You have no goddamn idea what you are talking about and its drivel like what you are spewing that is ruining the world.
What if it’s the woman that’s the one dominating and the man tries to see past that because he still loves her and wants sex? What if she is the one that isn’t interested no matter what even though the man says he’ll try anything she likes? What then? I don’t want to leave her because i’m willing to try anything to make it work and save the family for the kids but she doesn’t seem to care or even try… It’s lonely and depressing and makes me want to do what i never dreamed or wanted: leave.
Thomas, I was in the same situation as you. I worked with another author on the good men project called Steve Horsmon and he helped me resolve the problems with my wife – so it’s possible to do it.
This woman is emotionally abusing her husband. She needs to deal with her own issues and stop hurting her husband.
How about have sex with your husband… Maybe he the way he is because you don’t have sex, both of you are tense to the level of fed up but don’t want to leave.. Maybe sex can relax you both.. Get you both to a even level again.. You don’t think he imaging sex with someone else.. Might as well sex each other if neither of you are leaving
Delete your text messages, keep your phone in your hand bag on silent
Maintain your marriage, be discreet, hook up with good looking guys for sex with no strings attached, sex with friends, tell them from the start nothing serious, dont tell them your married, avoid drama, just have fun!!
Casual Sex
Comment
Myriam should look up the book “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. She should also consider if any childhood trauma in her past is affecting her.
Hi Brent She says “I don’t think I can leave, because while I do have a degree, I’ve been home with the kids for a decade, and it’d be tough to find a job we could survive on.” I don’t live in the U.S. so I lack knowledge about wages and cost of living . Still some of us would rather live in a garage than live with a spouse you that makes your skin crawl and you see as creepy … How can this woman know what her wages will be if she has not even tried to get… Read more »
Like many women she’s only interested in him for the money. Big surprise that she’s stuck in a scenario where the money is the only thing keeping her around. Whatever his reasons for staying must be more noble than that.
I know this is not helpful here but if I tried this crap on my wife she would literally laugh in my face.
You have to be willing to stand up for yourself and your needs in a relationship.
While I agree that Brent believes he has your back, I have a different read of your situation. It seems to me that your husband wants out of your marriage, but he’s being a passive-aggressive wuss about it. I’ve had men stop sleeping with me. Why? They wanted out. My brother’s wife stopped treating him with dignity in front of their kids. Why? She wanted out. I realize we are a nation of nonconfrontationalists–but that’s what I’d recommend: Be straight with him. Ask him in a straightforward, non-emotional way if he wants out of this marriage. Be open to whatever… Read more »
I think there’s a lot of merit to what you say. It is hard for us (in this country at least) to say, “Here is my bottom line in terms of my needs in a relationship”. It would do those of us who marry much good if we would have a pre-nuptial agreement, even if no money was involved. These are my bottom lines regarding emotional openness, regarding sex, regarding marital communication, etc. If both parties know what is required in order to stay married (which is hard) and not just what is required in order to get married (which… Read more »