What does it take to have a special, long lasting relationship? The simple answer is that it takes lots of work and communication.
It also involves recognizing that you will make mistakes, and that forgiveness is necessary; as you build your relationship together, the mistakes become learning blocks.
Here are some tips that I have found useful in being married.
Communicate — Verbally
The most important thing that I have learned in over 20 years of marriage is to communicate. Communicate more, communicate often, and communicate about the big things as well as the minor things. A note to my wife — I still have a long way to go!
Communication involves both verbal and non-verbal forms. There are some simple strategies to improve your verbal communication.
Couch Time.
Before we had children, we had time to talk. After we had children, we had to make time. We had “couch time.” Fifteen minutes when I first came home was time for us to talk without interruption. The children learned very quickly this was time for just Mum and Dad because they loved each other. Afterward, there was time for children and household tasks.
Couch time for an opportunity to catch up on what had happened in each other’s day. It is a time to listen to one another without trying to fix the things that went wrong in their day. Trust me, at this point, we all just want to be listened to, not have all our problems fixed for us.
Compliment each other. Tell your spouse the things you appreciate and like about them. Everyone likes to know that they are lovable, and reminding your spouse of the reasons why you fell in love with each other, and why you still love each other, is a powerful way of providing that. If he makes you laugh, tell him so in a quiet moment. If you love how smart she is, tell her so. If they are effortlessly graceful as they go about the world, make sure they know it.
Let your spouse know that you appreciate them, and everything that they do for you and your family. Whether they stay home with the kids or spend countless hours working, the efforts that sustain your home are worth acknowledgement. Ensure that you look for things that might usually go unnoticed, and mention them.
Talking regularly with your spouse. It will strengthen your relationship, and give you success in other areas of your life as well.
Communicate — Non-Verbally
While communicating face to face is ideal, there are many ways we can communicate non-verbally. Text your spouse and tell them that you love them, or what you appreciate about them. Put it in a note, leave it on the mirror, in their bag or in with their lunch so it is a surprise when they find it.
This could be my bias as a writer (but I really don’t think so): Reading is romantic! Take turns reading to each other something that interests you; part of a book, a story, something different. You can trade stories, or each of you pick a night and a book to read/listen to, and luxuriate in the sound of the voice of the person you love.
Hold hands. Nothing symbolizes love like holding a lover’s hand, giving it a squeeze. Give each other hugs, in the morning and when you come home, particularly if their love language is physical touch. At the same time, don’t expect a reward for doing so.
Being present is probably one of the most important things a spouse can do to maintain the marriage. Paying attention, listening, focusing on each other without the distractions of the world. It allows for a relationship to grow emotionally.
Serve Each Other
There are many ways that you can show that your love through service.
The most important thing you can do to serve each other in your marriage is to carry your own weight as much as you can. Clean up after yourself, particularly in the bedroom and bathrooms. If you’re the last to wake, make the bed when you get out in the morning. Clean up the kitchen after dinner when your partner takes the time to cook; wash the dishes, or put them in the dishwasher and turn the dishwasher on; take the rubbish out as soon as it’s full, without waiting to be asked or until it overflows. These are small things that only take a little time, but show that you care and that your home together is important.
If you don’t usually cook, try taking on the responsibility of making your meals. I began with a choice of two meals, neither which were very good. But my wife was appreciative and gentle with her feedback. Now I cook more often than not when I am at home.
If your spouse has an earlier sleep time than you, be the one to lock up at night. Knowing that you will lock the doors and windows, turn out the lights, and settle the house makes your family feel secure and sleep better, in knowing that you aren’t going to be taken by surprise.
Look After Yourself
Your spouse wants to see you fit and healthy, so look after yourself. Eat wisely, limit your alcohol intake. Even remembering to brush your teeth before bed. Looking after yourself gives those who love you a sense of security that you will be around for a long time.
Give Each Other Time
Sometimes wives, especially mothers, just need some down time. Some time to sleep in, relax, without husbands or children. Even in marriages without children, having the constant presence of someone else who requires attention and input can drain you and your spouse emotionally.
So what can you do? Give them the time to recuperate. Take the children out for a few hours by yourself if you can, or make plans to allow your spouse to enjoy being in their own space without having to worry about pleasing others. Make it a relationship standard that, at certain intervals, each of you gets to be free from duties and responsibilities.
Romance Them
Romance your spouse. Learn their love language, and treat them to it. Buy flowers or gifts, if that’s their thing. Ask them out on a date. Romance them like you did when you were courting, and make them feel special. Even the small things, like opening the car door, can demonstrate care and attachment.
Praise them in front of others. Let them hear the thoughts you have about them, and you telling others how special they really are to you.
Be Your Own Person
Finally, it’s about you, as a human. You need to demonstrate that you are your own person. This is not demonstrated through aggressively defending your personal boundaries, but rather through practical things, like working hard on your own struggles and showing you respect the relationship you’ve built together.
You also demonstrate this through emotional means, by opening up and communicating with each other. Show that you are sorry when you make mistakes. Admit your weaknesses. You don’t have to be right all the time.
Love your spouse, like there is no tomorrow. Cherish what you have together. It’s worth the effort.
This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo: Unsplash