Here’s how to keep score of arguments with your wife, girlfriend, partner, or whatever you call the love of your life:
If you win, you lose.
If you tie, you lose.
And if you lose, you really lose.
So what’s the point?
It seems like everybody loves to argue and to be right.
Even more important, we want to make sure everybody else knows we’re right.
The problem is that proving how right you are just makes you look wrong.
Important fact: No man has ever “won” an argument with his wife.
I mention all this because men are under the misguided idea that there’s something to be gained by mixing it up verbally with their spouses.
|
The proof: The next time your buddy tells you that he won an argument with his wife, ask him how the sex was that night.
If he had any, he had it with himself.
I mention all this because men are under the misguided idea that there’s something to be gained by mixing it up verbally with their spouses.
Actually, there is.
Misery, frustration, and divorce.
So if you can’t argue with your wife, you might be asking, how can you get your point across?
I’ll tell you what I learned in Al-Anon a long time ago.
You can tell another person your truth one time.
If that person gets it, great.
If not, you’ve got to get that they didn’t get it.
But what if you’re convinced that your point of view is right, and that your wife is really, really wrong?
And your sponsor already asked you, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
And you still wanted to be right?
In that case, assuming that you’re dealing with a level-headed person, give her the dignity of being wrong.
Chances are, whatever she has in mind won’t be fatal—for you, for her, or for your kids.
If she really is wrong, her idea will fail.
If she’s reasonable, she’ll realize that fact.
She’ll recognize that her approach ought to be abandoned in favor of a better approach.
Coincidentally, your approach.
But nobody likes to be told what to do, including you.
So why do you think your wife enjoys it any more than you do?
In other words, if you find it imperative to convince your wife of a point that you want to make, don’t go in alone.
|
Okay. So what if your wife isn’t learning from a negative situation, and in fact that situation keeps getting repeated?
That’s why God created marriage counselors.
You’ve got to choose carefully, because quite frankly, some marriage counselors don’t like men.
They can turn any situation into an opportunity to beat up on the guy.
Now it’s two against one.
So choose carefully, but choose someone.
In other words, if you find it imperative to convince your wife of a point that you want to make, don’t go in alone.
There’s an awfully good chance that a wise and capable marriage counselor can help your wife see around whatever blind spots she possesses.
Or maybe you’ve got some blind spots yourself, and the counselor can help you see past yours.
One of my AA sponsor’s favorite tricks—ahem, tools—is to get on the phone with a sponsee and tell him what advice to give his wife.
The key is that he does so while his wife is in the next room, so that she will overhear the conversation.
Sneaky…but it works like magic.
Above all, if you must argue, never do it in front of the kids.
The unity of the parents is a most important guarantor of the emotional security of your children.
Remember that whether you win, lose, or tie in an argument with your life – especially if the kids can hear – you’re the biggest loser.
So the easiest way to make sure you never lose an argument with your wife…is to avoid having them in the first place!
—
Photo: Getty Images
Forget this! This is ridiculous. If I don’t agree with someone I’m not going to passive aggressively talk about it in another room so she hears it. If I don’t agree and the woman I am with isn’t emotionally and mentally capable of having an open discussion without feeling that I told her what to do, then she’s the one with the problem and no amount of counselling is going to help. If she can’t handle having discussions, especially when it comes to stuff that impacts the family, then she needs to fucking grow the fuck up. My ex was… Read more »
Good lord, Yet another “if momma ain’t happy nobody is” and the “Kids can never hear you argue” Both are extremely wrong….. I when momma ain’t happy no one else is allowed to be….. That speaks volumes about her personality disorder. Kids need to see you argue and make up to learn it is possible to forgive, make peace and move forward in a loving way…… otherwise they may bail at the first sign of discord in their own relationships. The days of women ruling the emotional roost needs to end, everyone’s emotions are equally important, devaluing anyone’s in a… Read more »
In short, BOHICA.