Scary Mommy founder, Jill Smokler, recently announced she is getting divorced from her husband of 17 years because he is gay. Smokler said her husband told her his secret two years into their marriage. She never considered walking away from him at the time because she believed he was her soul mate. However, that piece of Jeff, her husband, became bigger and more consuming. The couple decided it was time to call it quits.
The Smokler’s story is a common one, particularly when there is a religious influence. Gay men believe their only option is to marry someone of the opposite sex. Some men believe marriage will cure them of their same sex attractions. Others hide behind a wife and kids while engaging in encounters behind their families’ backs. Religious belief may also preclude the couple from feeling like divorce is an option. So they stay.
There are times, as hard as it may be to believe, that men don’t actually realize they are gay for several years. One man I interviewed, Brent, grew up in West Virginia’s coalmine country in the 1970s. He said even though he was attracted to other boys in school, homosexuality wasn’t a word he knew. He conformed to social norms and married a woman. His marriage, however, fell apart shortly after his first, and only child was born. She discovered his secret and didn’t want anything to do with him, or his “problem.”
Aside from religious obligation, many women stay in their marriages for the same reasons their husbands do. |
According to Carol Grever, author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Guide to Surviving the Crisis, more than two million people have married gay or bisexual partners. “Approximately 85 percent of these mixed-orientation couples eventually do separate, while the remaining 15 percent continue their marriage, usually with some mutually devised alternative contract,” Grever says. Grever was married to her husband for over 30 years when she discovered his secret.
By the time married men decide they need to come out, they are wracked with guilt. Some have cheated on their wives, while others have struggled silently. Their minds race with fear at the prospect of losing their families, churches, support groups and friends. They are often depressed and terrified of rejection. Many feel they alone are responsible for making their wives miserable and they are all too ready to give their wives anything and everything she asks for as a sacrifice of contrition for the pain they have caused.
Of the many stories I’ve heard over the years, there is another element to the issues inside mixed-orientation marriages. Wives who are fully aware of their husband’s sexual orientation, like Smokler, are willing to stay married and deal with it. Years later, when the marriage inevitably falls apart, some of these same women are quick to call foul and take the martyr’s role.
Aside from religious obligation, many women stay in their marriages for the same reasons their husbands do. They are afraid of how people will perceive them. They are afraid of losing friendships. They are afraid of being alone, or afraid they will never find someone to love them. They choose the safety of familiarity over the risk of the unknown.
These marriages usually reach their end when the husband can no longer deal with the psychological pressure of lying about who he is, to himself and others. When he stops playing the game, he becomes the easy target. His unwillingness to keep up the charade exposes the shoddy façade hiding the marriage. And his wife is angry.
The decision to divorce is nearly always a painful one. We believe, when we marry, that our commitment is for a lifetime. We believe we will beat the odds. We seldom envision a future with an ex-spouse and certainly can’t imagine becoming a part-time parent to the children we bore.
Women are not to blame for cheating spouses. While he cannot choose his sexual orientation, deception is a decision for which he alone must take responsibility.
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The death of a marriage is painful and we often look for ways to save it. When one spouse is gay, however, there is no going back. No amount of counseling will fix it. No amount of negotiating or compromise will change it. Women are left with two options: divorce, or a non-traditional arrangement, which too often becomes the shame she diligently works to hide from friends and family.
Women are not to blame for cheating spouses. While he cannot choose his sexual orientation, deception is a decision for which he alone must take responsibility.
Infidelity aside, however, both spouses face similar fears. Both spouses often feel the emotional barrier that keeps them from truly experiencing the intimacy they seek. Both spouses desire more than a deep friendship, though mixed orientation marriages frequently become sexless, and the bonds platonic.
Living with a gay husband is usually unchartered territory for the wife. She is confused, unsure of where to find resources, and often feels disconnected from family and friends for fear of exposing her husband’s secret. Her sense of loyalty often works against her own need for support. Unless she’s angry, going public usually isn’t an option.
Are women to blame for staying married to a gay husband? An honest look at the relationship would find it mutually beneficial in one way or another. It was, or at least became, a marriage of convenience. Cloaked in religious ideologies, mixed marriages can become the flagship of obedience to God, relieving both spouses of the responsibilities to face their own realities.
What is certain is that most mixed-orientation marriages are unstable at best. Statistically, at some point, one spouse will want to end the marriage and move on. Sooner or later, the wife will be forced to face her own reality, and must be ready to answer the question, why did I stay for so long?
Previously Published on Huffington Post
Photo: Getty Images
“Both spouses desire more than a deep friendship, though mixed orientation marriages frequently become sexless, and the bonds platonic”
If your devoted partner or spouse does not want to have sex with you, does it really matter if he or she has fallen in love with someone else, compared to just not being attracted to you? Regardless of gender or sexual orientation?
(And does “mixed orientation” marriages become sexless or end in divorce more frequently than “regular” heterosexual ones?)
I could not imagine having to deal with such a situation.
There are two sides to every coin. Yes, it is true that husbands who deceive women about their sexual orientation are less than honorable human beings. However, women who willingly accept such a situation, overlook the obvious and knowingly decide to participate in such a sham relationship filled with deception and denial are just as bad. In fact, both parties are pitiful and to large degree, deserve one another.
I.Serafino,
I totally agree with you. If there is no shame in your game, then you have no one else to blame.
I have a friend who went through this same dilemma about 12 years ago. After 19 years of marriage, her husband finally admitted to her that he was bisexual but more sexual inclined towards men. While she had long suspected her husband was hiding something from her, she was still devastated when he broke the news to her. Why people have to such tortured, dishonest lives is beyond me. The hurt, anguish and betrayal they cause others is downright disgraceful.
Tongue-in-cheek answer to the question: Of course not! Everything wrong with anything in the world is a man’s fault. That is the message that’s bombarded me from all sides, since the day I was born. Actually, it’s more personal than that. Everything is very specifically my fault. Yes, you read that right. If some woman, somewhere in the world, is unhappily married to a gay man, it is my fault, just like everything else. Cancer. Bad weather. Trouble in the middle east. Speeding tickets. Feel free to blame me. Everyone else does! Disclaimer: I’m a few beers into my pity… Read more »
Hi Anthony,
I had plans to go rock climbing with a sister in-law and a niece last Sunday, but we cancelled due to cold winds and rain showers in the last minute.
Was that you…?
Yeah…sorry man!
As I see it t, any man who knows he is gay and is sexually attracted to men, yet would engage in marriage with an unaware or unsuspecting woman, deceives her and lives a life of lies and deception is a selfish, disgraceful human being and is unworthy of any level of sympathy.
Excellent article!
I am someone who is an ardent supporter of gay rights,. that being said, I cannot fathom how anyone who had made it clear that they are homosexaulis heterosexual or heterosexual would or could stay in a relationship with a spouse/partner who has a different sexaul orientation. Bisexuality would make things more complicated, but it still would be difficult.
Isn’t it common knowledge that there are more Homo/Bi-sexual women in the world than men. On a site for men I’d expect at least a mention about this in a posted article. How many sexless marriages are caused by this?