October 17th 2017
The day started filled with hope and measured denial. Sun danced on barely browned grass from a timidly cold October. As I laid on an overly priced queen sized bed that I could only afford to lay directly on the floor. Waking with the hope that today was going to be different.If you want something different, do something different.Clothes were picked with zero care as usual, the clothes that were picked were comfortable and loose. I was on a mission to change the station in my life I was going to become something I could be proud of finally at 43.
I felt like I should shower, but hey I am fat and ugly who is going to care. Going to sign up for student aid to go back to school after 29 years free of institutionalized education. The butterflies and concerns coming up through my feet as I slipped on my shoes. Today will be the day that I begin over again. Leaving the abuse and danger from childhood scars behind me. Looking forward to helping others overcome the mental scar tissue that left me paraplegic from achieving a place above chaos.
There is a certain amount of concern that maybe I should put a little more effort into my clothes. Again I see no reason to dress up for computer work and class scheduling. The battle of, anxiety and all the unknown situations that I will encounter. This is a normal day being diagnosed with Social Anxiety borderline Agoraphobia. Each day is filled with a certain amount of dread and fear. My head was swimming with bedlam.
As I comforted myself with thoughts of success and overachieving, “Will I be the change I need.” I attempt to leave the house about three times before I garner the strength to just remember why I am doing this to myself. It is shining outside reminding me of the dull cold weather and what it leaves on the dexterity of the day. The less than 20 feet to the car seems insurmountable but the memory of leather seats and loud radio lure me as much as candy.