His relationship with his own dad.
Fatherhood is an initiation into life-altering relationships. No matter how much parents and grandparents warn us about the changes to come, we don’t truly understand the impact of becoming a dad until it happens. It’s as if we’re looking up at the rope hoisting a grand piano as it fails, thinking, “I wonder if that’s going to hurt?”
The most important relationship for a new dad, however, isn’t the one with his child. It isn’t even the partnership with his spouse or significant other.
The must crucial fatherhood relationship is with his own dad.
One of the first decisions I made upon learning of my wife’s pregnancy was to sell my fast, sexy Nissan Twin Turbo for a family-friendly car. It was a sensible decision, but practicality wasn’t my primary motivation. I wanted to prove that I would, unlike my dad, fully embrace the responsibilities of fatherhood from day one.
Early parenthood entails snap decisions based on little expertise under the duress of sleep deprivation. If we want to be emotionally present to make those decisions with clarity and confidence, we need to eliminate unnecessary volatility. Our judgment must be unhindered by outside influences.
Our father and his parenting choices have the potential to lord over our experience as a parent. Failure to reconcile our relationship with our dad puts at risk a golden opportunity to let go of an obstacle that keeps us from being totally ourselves. That doesn’t mean that we have to forget what our dad did, it just means we have to forgive it. If we don’t, we’re letting him run the show.
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Originally appeared at New Dad for Life.
Photo: technowannabe / flickr
Personally, I’m totally with you in that their relationship was not something I would strive for. However, they seemed very happy with it and I don’t feel I’m in any position to make a judgment about it. His mother, by the way, was very attentive, so I don’t think her decision to bear the lion’s share of the child-rearing says anything about the quality of her parenting. In thinking more about your original comments (and in light of my friend’s example), I would certainly agree that an engaged husband/wife will almost always make an engaged father/mother. However, I still contend… Read more »
Thanks for your comment. That could be true, but it’s not universal. One of my closest friend’s father seemed to be a wonderful husband and partner, but when it came to his kids, he was distant and removed. Though I spent countless hours at my friend’s house, I rarely saw his dad. When I did, he was often interacting with my friend’s mother in a very loving and affectionate way. My friend would say that it seemed like there there wasn’t enough love to go around. Also, I think fathers who focus too much on being a good husband/partner run… Read more »
Being a good father is an aspect of being a good husband, if you have children together. They are related/interwoven. It is a natural outgrowth and by-product. By way of analogy, a healthy lifestyle is a composite of a number of things. Likewise, being a good husband is a composite of things; being a good father being one key aspect, if you have children together. Regarding your friend’s father, a man who is “distant and removed” from his children can’t possibly be a “wonderful husband and partner.” He’s probably lousy at both. For example, you noted that you “rarely saw… Read more »
You make some fine points, Eric, but I don’t think it’s appropriate to say that my friend’s father wasn’t a good partner. I remember his parents being quite fond of each other and both having a twinkle in their eye in each other’s presence. In fact, the parents’ seemingly healthy relationship made the father’s general absence all the more stark. I only know what I saw, of course, but they are going on nearly 50 years of marriage. My friend’s mother seemed quite content with the situation. The expectations for being a “good” husband (whatever that means) are just too… Read more »
If Partner A leaves all the hard, decades-long, emotionally draining, but most critically important work to Partner B, by what definition is Partner A a good partner, even if Partner B is satisfied? What quality of mother would be “quite content” and have a “twinkle in her eye” toward a man who neglected his children? I would have a very cold bed of I did that. I am in no way implying that your friend was ever abused but you do realize that there have been women who knew their husbands were abusive of their children but they behaved just… Read more »
“The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother.” Coach John Wooden.
I submit that men who are great husbands to their children’s mother are very seldom bad fathers; they are very likely to be very good fathers.