A good man is an honest man, no? Well, that’s gonna be the theme of Good Men Picks this week. After going 2-2 last week—moving us to 10-17—we are on a roll. Nothing can stop us. Literally, nothing. I just built a brick wall and ran through it before I sat down to write this—just to prove a point.
Now that you can fully understand my dedication, it’s time for the picks.
Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers
Ugh, this again? Hold on for a second while I dip my hands into boiling water.
OK, so we’re gonna read some tea leaves here. Ben Roethlisberger might be getting married. Seriously. I’m not sure whether he drugged, bribed, or blackmailed this poor woman, but she’s ready to take his hand in marriage—they have to get married in Vegas in a drive-through chapel, right?
The only way we can feasibly see this scenario actually playing out is if Ben completely bullshitted his way to this girl’s heart. Either that, or he’s been living a lie up to this point. Neither of which are very honest.
And then there’s Terrell Suggs, he who wears T-shirts of cartoon birds flipping the bird at Mid-Atlantic cities known for their steel-producing prowess. Now that is my definition of honesty. He also said this about the “questionable” rings of a more annoying version of Justin Bieber:
Oh, you know, you’ve got the tuck rule incident and then you’ve got the videotaping of the other team’s practices. It’s just like, okay, what’s going on here? You know? But, hey, it is what it is. They won the games no matter how you did it. But, um, it’s whatever.
Foolish? Probably. Honest? Definitely. Ravens it is.
Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons
I’d love to know if this whole Brady vs. Jets thing is getting as much play in Green Bay or Atlanta. Did Packers and Falcons fans forget about this game like I did? Probably not. But not much has been said about this one, and, well, I don’t have much of an opinion on it—other than that this was weird, funny, and uncomfortable:
Also, we feel bad for this guy. We’re going with the Packers, because we honestly want to see a 7-9 team host the NFC Championship.
Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears
Pete Carroll ain’t the most honest dude—and yes, he is a dude. He skipped town right before the bomb dropped, and the NCAA jumped in, stripping USC of scholarships, bowl eligibility, and a season’s worth of wins. The Trojans are fighting uphill to get back to where they were. Meanwhile, Petey’s got a cushy job with great fans and a team in a joke of a division. But he’s doing his best to get back in our good graces. Which is all we ask for.
Carroll’s quarterback, Matt Hasselbeck, is both the protagonist and the antagonist of the most honest moment in NFL playoff history. Back in 2004, after winning the overtime coin toss at Green Bay, he did this:
Yeah, um, that’s the definition of writing a butt-non-cashable check. But hey, at least he was honest. And, as read the sacred words of every fourth-grade teacher in America, honesty is the best policy.
We didn’t forget about the Bears. Let’s just say this: Jay Cutler hasn’t realized who he is yet. He thinks he’s John Elway, when, in fact, he’s just Jay Cutler. Maybe sometime in the future he’ll come to terms with his ability—and then we might pick him—but not today. Seahawks it is.
Sorry Ditka. Don’t hurt me. I will mow your lawn. I promise.
New York Jets at New England Patriots
The Jets have been pissing people off all week. And it’s been wonderful.
It started with Rex Ryan responding to reports that Tom Brady didn’t watch the Jets-Colts game live, opting instead to see a Broadway show with his wife. To this, Ryan said, “Peyton Manning would have been watching our game.” Which is undeniably true, but made some people mad because you can’t say a bad word about Tom Brady without killing a baby angel. And if you’re a sports figure you’re supposed to always answer in the most dry and generic way possible, so everyone can just go on complaining about how much press conferences and interviews suck.
“We see that a lot. He does it a lot,” Cromartie said. “That’s the kind of guy he is. We really don’t give a damn, to tell you the truth.”
He was then asked about what kind of guy Brady is. This needs a blockquote:
An asshole. Fuck him.
Brady’s response, as expected, was something along the lines of I’ve been called a lot worse. Let’s see what happens on Sunday …
I just fell asleep. What happened? Oh right. Jets. Patriots.
Wes Welker, the [insert any word that suggests he’s hard-working, yet un-athletic] Patriots wideout, took a slightly more deviant, subtle approach. Watch:
Well, you just lost it for your team, Wes.
At least Cromartie and Rex were blunt with their feelings. Don’t make it so hard on us. Just start the press conference and say, “Ha, that stupid guy loves feet. Big stinky feet! I wouldn’t know what my coach likes because he hasn’t smiled or spoken to me since I came to the team. I’m actually not sure he isn’t a robot, but at least I know he’s not thinking about feet all day. Am I right?”
And for their forthright honesty, the Jets get our backing.
I know what your thinking. Did I think of this idea just so I could pick the Jets? I would never do such a thing! And since this is a column about honesty, out of respect for me—and really, for the integrity of all mankind—you’ll just have to take me at my word.
Oh, and suck it, Pats fans.