We went 2-2, last week, once again improving our winning percentage and upping our record to 12-19 on the year. I believe that moves us into the top 100 of columns trying to pick sporting events based on absurd, moralistic, and subjective standards. This is heady stuff, folks.
Last week one commenter so elegantly described Good Men Picks as “what it would look like if People had a sports section.” Wow, I’m honored, and I’m gonna embrace that title. This week we’re picking the games based on the celebrity lookalike for each team’s quarterback.
“OMG! Marky Mark, Aaron R., Kristen Cavallari’s Boyfriend, and That Fat Guy from Pennsylvania. Who Do They Totally Look Like?!?!?!?”
Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears
As Drew Magary at Deadspin pointed out (warning: filthy, but hilarious), Aaron Rodgers looks exactly like B.J. Novak, Ryan from The Office. If you don’t watch The Office, stop reading. If you do, you’re nodding your head right now. Big bonus points for that. Like Rodgers, Novak can do it all. He writes, he acts, and he directs. Rogers can run, pass and avoid signing autographs for cancer patients without being vilified. They’re both young talents who’ve yet to get all the respect they deserve.
If I were reaching here, I’d say Aaron Rodgers has been going all Inglourious Basterds—which Novak was in—on the NFL’s collective ass. But I wont. But I could, and it would make sense. So, yeah, I’ve made my point.
As for Jay Cutler, he bears a striking resemblance to Don Vito from that god-awful MTV show Viva La Bam. Many of you probably haven’t heard of it, and for that, I envy you. Basically, Don Vito is that chubby, loud, obnoxious uncle you hate. He’s the guy who thinks he’s cool, but is really just kind of an asshole. He comes by every once in a while, eats all the food, stinks up your bathroom, and then leaves without saying goodbye.
No one likes the guy, but he has to be there because he’s family. You all roll your eyes when he walks in on Thanksgiving, and then talk behind his back when he leaves. Very rarely, he’ll actually say or do something that makes everyone laugh. Buoyed by that confidence, he’ll then purposely fart on the shrimp cocktail and make everyone forget about that one good thing he did.
Kind of like every game Jay Cutler’s ever played.
The Packers are the pick.
New York Jets at Pittsburgh Steelers
Let’s be honest here. He’s a dead ringer for a Mexican-American Jesus. But I wanted to keep religion out of the picks this week.
Instead, we’re going with Adrian Grenier, the “star” from HBO’s Entourage. And yeah, they’re actually sort of similar. Grenier is the focal point of a big-money TV show with tons of potential, but, as the main character, he holds the show back because, well, he’s just not a good actor. Yes, sounds like Sanchez, but he’s on the verge of ridding himself of that label with two more good games to cap off the year. So, with that in mind, I’m predicting that Grenier wins an Emmy next year for his work on Entourage, mirroring Sanchez’s ascension with the Jets. That or he shaves his head and dyes his skin like Sammy Sosa, destroying any similarities to the Immaculate Consanchez.
If Jabba had a mullet, these dudes would be identical twins. Ouch, someone just poked me with a lightsaber. Excuse me. Not Jabba, his full name is Jabba Desilijic Tiure. I’ll let Wookiepedia—the scariest, most-exhaustively-detailed website ever—do the talking here:
Jabba had started as a small crime lord, but quickly spread his influence into a variety of illegal activities, including spice-smuggling, gunrunning, slavery, and sometimes outright piracy. Known for his cruelty and carnal fancies, Jabba the Hutt was powerful enough to command respect and payment from the Galaxy’s ruling government, so much so that during the Clone Wars the Republic went to great lengths to avoid Jabba’s displeasure.
Small crime? A variety of illegal activities? Outright piracy? Spice-smuggling? Carnal Fantasies? Hmm …
For those bibliographical similarities between Ben and Jabba, the Jets are the pick. Enjoy the games.
—Photo via JDeuro7/Photobucker