There’s this dreadful ad presently running:
Women take note: these are shot from YOUR presumed perspective.
Now, from a pure-comedy standpoint, the computer-enhanced doofy expressions on the men’s faces really are pretty funny. They ain’t Mort Drucker, but as caricature goes they’re decent.
Pretty much everything else in this is awful.
Before I even get into the sexism, can I just say that this is a really ineffective ad campaign for milk? The classic “Got Milk?” ads were based on market research that showed that milk is just something most people expect to have in the house, and they only really think about it when they run out. Please, show me one single consumer who thinks “Well, I wasn’t going to get any milk, but… reduces PMS symptoms, you say? Shit, let’s stock up!”
So really, when you come down to it, this isn’t an ad for milk. This is an ad for the concept of “Bitches be crazy.” A popular and long-running concept, it’s the notion that women are fundamentally irrational creatures who cannot be reasoned with or engaged with on any level. All you can do is try to appease this mad creature with gifts, in this case an average of 1.75 gallons of generic milk. (Ladies, I apparently cannot fathom the depths of your lunacies, but… seriously, have you ever sat around going “Gosh, but I could go for 1.75 gallons of generic milk right now, that would surely win my favor”?)
The craziness of women, of course, emanates directly from their uterus. We used to call it hysteria (okay, some still do), nowadays we pass it off as PMS, but either way it’s understood to be a direct correlation. If you have womanly parts, you are bugfuck nuts and there’s nothing to be done about it. Women reading this, how often have your concerns or emotions been dismissed or laughed off on the grounds that it must just be your wacky hormones talking?
And that’s exactly what we’re seeing in this ad. These six guys are completely dismissing whatever their wives or girlfriends are saying. They’re not listening, they’re not engaging, they’re just blindly capitulating to whatever strange mouth-noises she’s making, and desperately hurling dairy products at the problem.
Talk about your problems? Try to understand your wife’s perspective? Actually apologize for something, instead of just making apologetic sounds that don’t relate to anything real? Pfah! Those are tools for dealing with a rational being, not the fearsome and wild-eyed creature known as Woman.
What we’re seeing here is an odd fetishization, in a lot of pop culture, of really awful relationships. Clearly these guys aren’t happy, and clearly the women they’re frantically waving milk at aren’t happy either. And yet this is presented as a normal, standard relationship. This ad is, by its very structure, what Holly has called a “that always happens” joke. Ha-ha, marriage: the union of a miserable raving harpy with a miserable cringing moron, amirite? There is nothing higher to aspire to than that, we are constantly subtly informed: the best-case scenario is a crazy bitch and a stupid asshole making each other unhappy until one of them does the other one the favor of dying. That is the implicit conceptual structure underlying this ad. If we fail to take that idea of marriage for granted, there’s nothing funny about this ad but the amusing faces they’re making.
Oh wait, that’s right.
@doctormindbeam: But the solution to me, then, wouldn’t be to tell your partner, “Tell me I look hot.” It would be, at an unrelated time, to say to your partner, “Hey, do you find me attractive?” And then have a serious talk about it, and tell him that you’d like it if he told you more often that you were hot when he was thinking it. I never sank so low as to say “tell me I look hot.” I have told a partner (at an unrelated time) that I thrive on compliments and would like to hear more of… Read more »
Wow. This thread has made me really appreciate my relationship.
The most loving thing my husband has ever done for me is share his vulnerabilities with me. Everything else is a distant second and he has done some adorably sweet things.
I think I’ll go hug him now.
That is what a friend of mine did, who wanted to be sent flowers on her birthday. She tried just about everything else, including sending her husband flowers, but eventually she had to spell it out. My friend thought that having to ask would diminish her pleasure, but it really didn’t. Getting them still meant that he loved her and wanted her to know it.
I thought the ad was kind of funny. But my husband said – “Milk? Milk won’t do anything! It’s got to be chocolate!” Because we’ve had a longstanding joke that when I get quiet and withdrawn and he realizes it’s getting close to that time of the month, he’ll go to the story without saying anything and come back with a bag of Hershey’s kisses, and offer them to me, cautiously saying, “Is it time for this” and I’ll snatch them away, “What do you mean! Give me that!” and we’ll both crack up. A nice rum-and-coke can also be… Read more »
@ Han Jammer: Actually, in most cases where certain behaviors (such as rape) are portrayed as normal of men, many people will remark on how insulting it is to men to protray them all as rapists. And they SHOULD react that way in my opinion, because I think we need to dismantle sexism by admitting that it effects everyone and is harmful to everyone. You may have a point in that the men should really be the focus here, but I don’t think remarking on how this is also insulting and patronizing to the women involved is bad. Likewise if… Read more »
Noahbrand
Many products are sold to women in the context of glorifying and normalised abuse of men by women. If mainstream media glorified glorified or normalised abuse of women by men, the immediate response wouldn’t be “hang on, this is wrong because it makes men look bad” and the cultural acceptance of abuse of women then coming as a secondary concern. The primary concern would be the promotion of abuse of women… see the difference now?
Misandry and gynocentrism are so ingrained in the culture, we often can’t see it.
@doctormindbeam: It’s unfortunately furthered by the unfortunately large number of women who believe (or are taught, but by whom I’m not sure) that if a man truly loves you, he’ll be able to read your mind. I don’t believe my partner should be a mind-reader. However, one of the most common things I’ve wanted from my partners in the past is more attention/compliments, and arguably if a guy complimented me solely because I told him to then the sentiment was totally fake. He wouldn’t actually think I looked pretty at that moment (which is what I wanted)*; he would just… Read more »
I dunno, Han, I think a campaign centered around the idea that women are crazy and horrible to live with… yeah, that actually is an offensive depiction of women. Indeed, part of what makes it so offensive is the slogan “Are you a man suffering from PMS?” which encourages men to take a problem that women have, ignore the pain involved, and make it all about themselves. And that’s a bad thing to encourage.
The abuse of males seems to be playing second fiddle to the depiction of pmsing women here, which seems quite gynocentric. Surely the main issue is the fact that ad. campaigns and sitcoms are successfully selling many consumer products to women by depicting them abusing men.
@mythagomythago: I’m crying here. So true. And it’s like they go out of their way to find women who will tell them what they want, just so they can ignore them and somehow prove to them that “what those crazy chicks wanted was what I wanted to give them!” Then they punish those women when their jerkitude backfires. I got the ones telling me how unwomanly I suddenly was and how incapable of a relationship I was *for* telling them what I wanted and expecting to be heard and honored. I mean it was to the point that they really… Read more »
Dude, the milk is from back in the days of husbands picking up the milk on the way home from the work. It’s also in reference to the idea of husbands always forgetting the milk. the ad is jumping that shark and also pretending that the man got it right all the time in those storys. It’s kind of uber in that way. Also, emotional abuse: the unseen part of these paradigms, when they actually happen is that many times, it’s the partner who “misses” “implicit” cues who is being passive-aggressive, a la “Everybody Loves Raymond”, the Dishes episode, and… Read more »
Ah yes, the old yarn. Women are crazy!! And men are useless!!
Thaaaaaanks, patriarchy. Way to may things suck for women AND men.
You know, looking at ads like this, I can’t imagine why marriage rates would possibly go down. This relationship looks so great! I think part of where this trope comes from is the idea that men are just fumbling buffoons/slobs who have no idea how to do anything about the house and don’t care, and women are of course naturally much more concerned with such matters. And so the woman is responsible for ensuring the house stays livable — which can either involve doing the work herself, or, in this new and sexism-free age, making her partner do it! Which,… Read more »
I don’t know where that comes from, but it’s ridiculous It comes from the idea that you don’t want to be a bitch by arguing or being pushy, and plus women are incredibly complicated and difficult creatures, unlike men, who simply want food, beer and sex. (I’ve heard an incredible number of men, too, push that last bit of nonsense.) And of course rather a lot of people are very comfortable in stratified gender roles, even if they complain about them sometimes, such that they get upset and/or reject behavior that doesn’t fall within them. I have dated an unfortunately… Read more »
@elementary_watson: Taking your relationship advice from pop songs (and pop culture in general) is like taking your nutrition advice from McDonald’s commercials. What sells is not what is actually good for us.
@DMB:
Well, one of teachers is Natasha Bedingfield with her song “Soulmate”, wondering why she is not in a relationship while longing for someone “who knows how to love [her] without being told”.
Wow, something of a Deja Writ here …
Sent! I feel better now…taking action always soothes my feelings of irritation about pure D crap like this ad campaign. 😛
Please tell the Got Milk campaign what you think about these insulting ads. Write to them here: [email protected] I’m composing a polite (ahem…no swearing) but strongly worded missive this morning giving them my two cents.
@Noah Brand
“@Han Jammer, I’d say it’s worse than that: I think they’re assuming (whether they know it or not) that psychological abuse is inevitable, an intrinsic component of male-female relationships.”
The meme is not new as you point, “When Moma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy”, this isn’t referencing PSM but it is suggesting that “Moma” can abuse those around her, and they just have to accept it.
@unreal man; “So, I really do think it’s down to men to not put up with abusive behavior. Perhaps we’re also lacking the infrastructure to teach them that they don’t have to. ” This is an excellent point. Men in our society are trained to be submissive to women in relationships – to always say “yes dear, whatever you want dear”, to apologize, to appease, to grovel. This dynamic does not necessitate abuse, but it certainly makes the relationship ripe for it. I have learned through experience (as many other men have) to stand up for myself in my relationship… Read more »
@ Corteks, EXACTLY. I’ve known more than one woman who was manipulative or didn’t say what she really meant and then got mad when people couldn’t read her mind, or who made excuses for her bad treatment of people…but I’ve ALSO known plenty of men who wouldn’t say what they meant, who trotted out dumb excuses for their poor behavior, or flipped their lids over really minor things, too. Ironically enough, I once had an ex-boyfriend accuse me of not understanding what he “really meant” BECAUSE I was supposedly PMSing! (I wasn’t at the time.) Manipulative behavior, moodiness, and expectations… Read more »
I think there are fucked up standards for staying in abusive relationships for ether gender Women are conditioned to think its there job to civilise men (because you know deep down we’re all a bunch simple mined uncultured brutes) and if they fail in this task then they have failed as girlfriends/wives and what happens to them as a result is ultimately there fault. Men on the other hand are conditioned to believe that they should be strong no matter what the situation (as women are frail, demure creatures that need our constant protection) that its there job to power… Read more »
What we’re seeing here is an odd fetishization, in a lot of pop culture, of really awful relationships. This is a great phrase and I’m gonna borrow it! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who HATES this trope in advertising, TV/movies, etc. It makes me so angry to see this dysfunctionality and bad behavior for both genders being trotted out as matter-of-fact in so many outlets! I guess I’m going to have to write a letter to the Got Milk people now (I swear, writing letters of complaint could become a full time job). I don’t know… Read more »
@Noah Brand
I’m aware of that. The difference is though that those relationships are easily declared “abusive” or “lousy” (not necessarily by her though). But when the woman is doing the abusing, it’s hardly ever called that. Instead it’s regarded as normal or even good. This ad reflects that.
I remember when I was about seven, I asked my mom, “What is PMS?” (I think I’dbeen watching Rossane)
She replied, “An excuse some women use for treating their families like crap.”