Apparently I am a single man!
Now, regular readers will be thinking “wait, we’ve been referring to you as ‘zie’ this whole time in vain and we can actually just use he?” And assholes will be all “you still have a vulva rancid kebab, slut!” And everyone will be all “you are dating multiple people and therefore are kind of the opposite of a single person.”
But Ian Fortney has proved that I am, in fact, a man. I don’t remember dates either! (Seriously, the only reason I remembered Father’s Day is next week is because I had to write an article about it for Role/Reboot.) I don’t know what all of those toiletries do! I think that we don’t really need twelve thousand kinds of pads, particularly when I’m shopping for them! I too remain somewhat confused about what the difference between a ‘Capri’ and a ‘gaucho’ is!
But the thing is that there are lots of men who understand the difference between different kinds of pants! Perhaps I have a biased sample, as I am friends with several dandies and can find out more-or-less on demand in what circumstances one is supposed to doff their hat. But there are all kinds of dudes who have, like, serious opinions about what pants one is supposed to wear with what outfit.
And don’t get me started on the beauty industry thing. Noah Brand and I were having a conversation ages and ages ago in which he mourned that because he was staying someplace he was lacking the appropriate lack-of-hair care products, and I was like “…I thought the whole point of being bald was so that you didn’t have to pay any attention to it.” It cuts even shampoo out of your beauty routine! Apparently not, for people who are not as lazy as I am, which includes a fuckton of dudes.
The dates thing is just… blatantly misandric. Here, let me pull out a paragraph for you:
Dudes are better with spatial memory and facts. Trying to remember dates requires a whole different set of brains than what men have, so dates, especially dates they haven’t had to remember since childhood, get pushed aside for facts about how many actors were hurt on set during the filming of Predator.
Yes. All men are clinically mentally disabled about remembering dates. This definitely seems plausible and not remotely sexist at all.
Oh, by the way, the research he used as a citation? Is about how if you remove two genes from male mice they won’t be able to solve mazes as well, but if you remove those two genes from female mice they still will. In other news, people who like My Little Pony are better at rational thinking because if you remove two genes from hamsters they no longer think lettuce tastes good.
Finally! Pads! Okay, that one’s fair, I don’t think many cis dudes know much about pads unless they’re, like, the CEO of Kotex. The reason we have huge pads, btw, is because your pussy will generally insist on bleeding on the exact location on your underwear not covered by any pads, this being some kind of Murphy’s Law of Bleeding Out the Crotch, and some people were like “fuck it” and decided to cover every area of their pussy. Panty liners exist because for a few days after the period ends your crotch will still decide to bleed randomly. And a lot of the reason we have four thousand different brands is, in fact, marketing.
…God. Fuck vulvas. They suck.
Actually, when it comes to pads, some invention were made a couple of decades ago. When I first started having my periods (in, let’s think, 1988) pads were pretty thick. Then suddenly they became thin, but they would still absorb all the blood. They must have invented some kind of new material for pads (and I’m really grateful they did, those thick pads were awfully uncomfortable). I think this was around 1990, because I don’t think I had to use thick pads for many years. If you work in the pad industry, you might know tons of fact about the… Read more »
I identified as a dude until not that long ago, and even then I understood the basic theory behind pads, likely from my extensive experience with nosebleeds, but also, I dunno, it seems like a simple concept? You need to absorb blood, since you don’t want blood all over underwear, also I suspect there’s something psychological in “Well, my crotch is bleeding, but at least I’ve done something about it.” No-one likes just letting their crotch bleed. There are loads of different brands because… dude, there are loads of different brands for everything. There are many different brands of condoms,… Read more »
Yeah, that’s capitalism for you. If you look at ads for shaving razors they make razors sound crazy complicated! But that’s just a marketing trick used for ALL products. Women don’t go round “oh, men are so mysterious, like this shaving thing, I don’t understand razors at all” because we understand it’s just a marketing ploy to make everything sound high tech. Men can figure that out when it comes to pads as well, unless they WANT to think about women as terribly mysteeeeerious.
Oh man, don’t even get me started on the idiocy that is “men’s razors” and “women’s razors.” Know what the difference is? They can charge a shit ton more for ‘women’s razors’…oh and they’re pastel instead of bold colours. Thanks, yeah. Grr.
Yeah, it’s like a piece of sharp metal, how complicated can it get? Pieces of sharp metal has been used as tools for like four thousand years! It’s not high tech!
“Some people look tired without makeup.”
I best most non-children “look tired” without make-up. I tend to think this is a natural feature of faces. Make-up just makes it seem like its not, for women at least.
Going without makeup also means showing off any pimples you might have. I think some (not all) guys who claim to prefer women without makeup actually wants somebody who wears “natural makeup” – foundation, powder, a tiny bit of mascara and maybe a tiny bit of eye-pen, lipstick close to the lips natural colour but still enhances them somewhat, you know. What they really mean is that they don’t like bright red lips and stuff.
Yeah, I agree here. The “no makeup” argument really just translates to “no overtly noticeable makeup”. Some people look tired without makeup. I do. I have dark circles under my eyes that I simply can’t get rid of. When I cover it up I look much more bright eyed and bushy tailed than if I didn’t. I get more compliments on my skin when I wear my moisturizer that artificially makes my skin glow and powder to remove shininess than if I am truly au naturale.
I’m a guy and I wear a little makeup on important occasions for that very reason. My face looks like I’m always about to drop dead from exhaustion. (It gets annoying when strangers keep asking out of nowhere if I’m okay.) Makeup helps some with that, but not completely – I’d need a bit of cosmetic surgery to fix the rest.
I’m a pansexual transsexual women who wears no make-up 99% of the time (I wear some for my boyfriend once in a blue moon, I don’t personally like the look).
And when I say I prefer no make-up, I mean literally. No make-up. Not natural make-up. That’s what I use…and I prefer none. Oh and even when I do use make-up, no lipstick.
“…God. Fuck vulvas.”
Yes, let’s!
“They suck.”
Disagree!
Great article! I just wanna say how much it pisses me off when guys (intentionally or otherwise) instinctively judge women by their looks above and beyond all else…then chalk it up to mysterious ladybrain mysteries that normal uh, male people can’t possibly understand when it comes to women and beauty products. Why are women so obsessed with hygiene products? Maybe it’s because it’s far less socially acceptable for women to be unhygienic than men? It’s even worse when they outright complain about women who care about their looks for being shallow and vain. Yeah, because the only person that cares… Read more »
Vulvas? I beg your pardon Ozy, but it is the uterus (and ovaries i guess) that are to be held responsible for all that bleeding nonsense.
You can’t put a pad directly on your uterus, though.
Well, I mean, I guess you could…it’s just not really recommended. 🙂
I’m confused as to what you look like in person (I’m just going to imagine a Joan Jett uber cool female who is all guitars and rock and roll and leather for now)….anyway, whatever you look like or whatever gender you identify with…I’m so glad you are a contributor here!
I killed all my pads and tampons (ugh) in a horrible fire and then I got myself a mooncup, divacup, ladycup, whatever you want to call it. My bathroom stuff consists of – a bar of soap for my body – a bottle of apple cider vinegar for my hair – nonscented body lotion – some nail polish for once in a blue moon – a perfume for … twice a year? – hairspray (for weddings) – lots of hairbands and various flowers and a brush and some other things to put on my head According to John Gray (Men… Read more »
I haven’t had a period in over 10 years (hooray modern birth control!) and have no clue as to the proliferation of all that stuff in the “feminine products” aisle. And I rely on my electronics (and the backup electronics and the backups to the backups) to remind me of dates. And I get my hair cut maybe once a year? Stupid stereotypes…
Well, there’s also “front and back leakage”, which those with vaginas and various prolapsed organs may need to consider.
Also, conditioner.
Also, also, I didn’t know about van Damme. Unless that’s made up, coz apparently, you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the Internet.
I think the issue about not remembering anniversaries is more along the lines of both halves of not-yet-married couples (or married couples celebrating “both” anniversaries) having a different idea of when their relationship “really” began. Then the guy’s supposed to give her a gift, and then she gets all shrieky when he gets the date “wrong”. It’s a combination of communication failure and sexist social narratives.
Though if that was ever really true, it’s kind of an outdated stereotype by now.
I doubt the CEO of Kotex knows about pads
But the thing is that there are lots of men who understand the difference between different kinds of pants! Perhaps I have a biased sample, as I am friends with several dandies and can find out more-or-less on demand in what circumstances one is supposed to doff their hat. But there are all kinds of dudes who have, like, serious opinions about what pants one is supposed to wear with what outfit.
OT, but when I read this, all I could think of was this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iRTB-FTMdk
Encountered: 1x Evil Pants!
No, I don’t know what that has to do with anything either. 😉
The seemingly infinite variety of pads proves that every woman has her own preferences about what she lets near her crotch. I think this blows PUA theory out of the water. There is no “alpha pad” that gets all the action. Let the evo psych devotees try to explain this one! 🙂
I keep all my pads in a basket in the bathroom and let them establish a hierarchy on their own. The Alpha Pads are almost always the larger ones, and they are permitted to mate with the tampons. The poor panty liners are always the beta pads, considering I never use them.
The whole of my bathroom thingies: Shampoo and conditioner (two bottles) “for long hair” (basically a 3$ bottle I liked the smell of) (last 6 months each) Wooden hair brush with boar bristles (had it for almost 10 years) Venus Embrace (5 blades wee) razor with a recharge (the recommended usage per blade is about 2 weeks, I get mine to last 3 months) Face moisturizer that cost me 30$ for a small tube (use when face is very irritated, otherwise skip – even though it recommends daily use) (still hasn’t finished original tube after over a year) Make-up base… Read more »
Cracked, baby, please just go back to making fun of weird comic books and how Australia will kill you. You’re pretty awful at this social justice thing.