A few days ago, I was reading a terrible article (the link to which I have subsequently and unfortunately lost) about Dating Tips for Short Men. It was, predictably, kind of awful, full of ideas about the right kind of shoe to wear to give yourself that crucial two extra inches. I decided that I could totally write better dating advice for straight short men, so here I am.
1) Congrats, you can filter out women who are terrible.
There are some women who are just horribly unattracted to men that are shorter than them. Oh well, nothing one can do about that, it’s their personal preference and I hope someday they find the basketball player of their dreams. But most of the women who only like tall dudes and won’t even consider a dude who’s below six feet? Are terrible people. They only are attracted to men who perform some bullshit notion of masculinity, even down to things that they have absolutely no control over. Either they haven’t questioned the received notions of gender or, even worse, they questioned them and decided they were totally awesome and definitely something they wanted to pay attention to.
This relates to a concept I like to call the Jerk Detector. A Jerk Detector is a trait about yourself that comes up fairly early on in the dating process that weeds out the jerks from the nice people. If you’re a virgin (or, conversely, a slut) and your partner freaks out about it, they were probably a jerk and you should be happy that you didn’t end up dating them. If you’re a woman or usually taken as one, hairy armpits work great, because anyone who kicks up a fuss about a bit of fur is probably a Grade A Thinks They Have The Right To Control Your Body asshole. (Note for the idiots in the back: not being attracted to people with hairy armpits is not being a jerk; throwing a fit because the person you’re sleeping with/dating has hairy armpits is. It’s their body and their choice.) Now, there are occasionally nice people filtered out by a Jerk Detector, which is unfortunate, but think about all the time you save not dating jerks! Jerk Detectors are very efficient and I would like to recommend them to everyone.
(Note to women: if you only like tall men, you might want to consider whether that’s about your sexual preferences, or just about bullshit gender conditioning that seeped in your brain.)
2) Don’t necessarily assume that tall women won’t want to date you.
Some tall women won’t. Some tall women will. To quote the eternal wisdom of Shit My Dad Says, “out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won’t screw you, don’t do it for them.” (This also applies, of course, to men and nonbinaries.) I’m reasonably tall and have a vagina, and yet I’ve dated men who barely come up to my nose. It happens!
3) Be confident in yourself– you’re attractive regardless of your height.
Here’s a secret: even women who don’t care about height will sometimes look for men taller than them. Why? Because some short men consider it emasculating to date women who are taller than them. That’s fucking bullshit. The last thing most women want to do is spend their lives reassuring their partners that, no, really, they have not magically turned into a girl just because they’re dating someone taller than them. Don’t be that guy. Not only is it poisonous to your relationship, but it’s a toxin spreading to the girl’s future relationships and those of the friends she complains to, hence potentially leaving dozens of short men out in the cold. Have some care for the rest of the short-man community.
The best part is that this doesn’t even require being confident in your attractiveness, which I know many of my readers have difficulty with. It just requires knowing, deep in your soul, that if you are in a loving relationship with an attractive, interesting woman who is taller than you, you are still in a loving relationship with an attractive, interesting woman, and that the height difference makes absolutely no difference in your manhood or masculinity whatsoever.
4) Let your girlfriend wear high heels if she wants to.
Some women, inexplicably, like wearing high heels. Some women can’t wear high heels, however, because if they did they’d be taller than their boyfriends. These women like wearing high heels, however, so they solve this problem by only dating men who are not just taller than them but significantly so. This cycle creates incredible trouble for the short men of the world, who are limited to a dating pool of only women who are about three inches shorter than they are, a tiny group. (Heh. Tiny.) Therefore, there is only one solution to this problem: tell your damn girlfriend to wear high heels if she wants you. Not only are heels generally considered sexy (…maybe some women’s fondness for wearing them is less inexplicable), but you know people who are looking at you aren’t going to be like “there’s this short guy with his tall girlfriend, he must not be a real man.” They’re thinking “here’s a short dude who is so balls confident he will be all ‘yep, my girlfriend’s in six-inch heels and I am barely up to her shoulder, I see no problem with this state of affairs.'” And that’s kind of awesome.
5) Don’t… go on dating sites that let women search by height?
Thinking of tips is hard.
I’m a very tall (6’1″) woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend, who’s 5’6″, for almost two years. When we walk down the street together in New York City, he actually occasionally gets high fives from random dudes. Now, I find this rude and irritating in the same sense that I find cat-calling rude and irritating, but it does seem like evidence that people aren’t going to look down on you for dating taller. Oh, and I’m also a fan of wearing heels, including my favorite six-inch platforms.
Been married for 42 years to a guy shorter than I am. Thank goodness neither of us was bothered by each other’s height, although I did have friends who were aghast that I’d date someone shorter than I. He is definitely one of the best human beings I’ve ever known and he still turns me on.
Let me guess, “short” but still tall enough, like over 5’5? SMH…
As a taller woman (5’9″) I have to admit that I do prefer mencwho are at least a coupke inches taller than me. However I have dated men who are my height or shorter. One observation I’ve made is that when shorter men want to date me, they see me as a novelty. They wouldn’t really want to be in a long term relationship with a taller woman. I think both men and women may perceive a certain physical awkwardness where the woman is taller. It is awkward walking hand in hand, it’s awkward kissing standing up, it is awkward… Read more »
You’re setting up a false dichotomy. You can be genuinely attracted to somebody without thinking of them as “the one”.
Agreed, but what I meant is that if you are looking for people who you might have a long term relationship with, you have to rule out certain people because you know will never lead anywhere ultimately.
I think we short men view taller (or shorter whatever) women as long term girlfriends.
I think that most short men think there are so much more important things than easily putting his arms around a woman and kissing her without standing on his toes. I think discrimination by external appearance is wrong. Also there are so many successful relationships between short men and taller women some of which are already confessed by the actual women right in this website.
In regards to #4.
I like wearing high heels because it’s an instant confidence booster. I don’t know why or how this came to be, but whatever works, right? I stand up straighter, strut more, and feel sexier and prettier. I don’t care if taller than my man when wearing heels. I do care about him being cool with me wearing heels. That’s my explanation at least. 🙂
*if I’m taller than my man
HOW ABOUT we all try to be nice and respectful to other human beings, even if we’re not sexually attracted to them? And how everyone dates who they want and we all try not to say stupid things about what we personally think about their looks because it’s not any of our business? When I was dating my husband and took him home to meet my family, after he left my mom’s response was, “Well [family name] sure doesn’t grow them very tall, do they? Really? I bring home a super awesome guy who I’m head over heels for and… Read more »
howabout this…. tall women who defy the stereotype of wanting a taller man should approach shorter men and ask them out…. heck, why limit this to tall women, all women should ask men out, if the “risky initiatives” of approach were split 50/50-many of the ethical problems of PUA would dissappear. It wouldn’t be that someone of either gender wouldn’t make a bad approach but that the moral and ethical burden would be shared equally between men and women. Kay Hymowitz could start writing “Woman Up” articles…. well, since we don’t live in this utopia, I don’t blame a male… Read more »
In my experience, a really tall woman is going to feel more comfortable with a really short man than one who’s just an inch or two shorter.
FWIW, I’m 5’10 1/2″.
Here’s a tip: work out and buff up. A tall slender guy can be elegant, but a short slender guy is a shrimp.
“Here’s a tip: work out and buff up. A tall slender guy can be elegant, but a short slender guy is a shrimp.”
Not true. Seth Green is 5’4″, thin, and one of the sexiest celebrities out there.
There was a joke in a movie I saw about a guy named Tiny Jim (I think it was?). He was 5’9”, so it didn’t seem right… but he wasn’t nearly big enough for it to be “one of those ironic things”. So it just confused the main characters. That’s me, lol. I appreciate the intent behind the OP, but I have to wonder something. I love points (2) to (5), but I have an issue with (1). The armpit hair example is weak; it’s a choice, unlike shortness/fatness, easily reversible if necessary, and it can be easily concealed up… Read more »
Just a random observation regarding the height limit. Here (in Germany) the height preference you mostly hear is at least 1,8m. I think, that shows people have a thing for round numbers and height limits are somewhat arbitrary. In reality you can’t really tell if someone is 180cm or 183cm. It only becomes a thing when you can quickly filter for candidates on online dating sites.
I know what you mean. As a 5’9” man, I notice that 5’10” is a common cut-off point. (Well, aside from those who just say 6′.) Something about those double digits serves as a psychological anchor point. Luckily in real life, the difference is very difficult to spot. But I’m really not willing to lie, so I avoid online dating. I wonder, though, if that’s just not easy for me to say, because as I get older my social life may gradually recede and I may have to turn online. Will I say, “hey, I’m 5’10” in the morning”? Lol.… Read more »
Reading the responses, this article seems to have touched a lot of nerves, but I generally agree with the gist of the advice. As a 5’8″ guy who had dated several women over six feet (and some under five feet, I didn’t discriminate), I came to find most of what is written here to be true. While women (and men) focusing primarily on physical qualities aren’t terrible people, they are more likely to attract those who are also focusing on those kind of qualities. But love, it seems, is about something deeper. To paraphrase Joseph Campbell, “We must be willing… Read more »
Believe it or not, dating sites that allow height searches are one of the easiest places to find someone not caught up on height. Because you will only be contacted by those who haven’t set that up as a filter–either digitally or mentally.
This is a good point. I’d probably have a good first impression of any man who didn’t lie about his height on dating sites, too.
Hey Ozy, I’m woman just under six feet tall with a (non-exclusive) preference for tall-ish men. I know that a good chunk of this preference probably does come from social conditioning, but acknowledging that doesn’t magically erase it. We all grew up swimming in a sea of restrictive gender expectations, and it’s a constant process to acknowledge, examine, and combat these deeply ingrained ideas of what men and women should be. Such biases can be pretty hard to get rid of, especially when you grow up hearing that women should be small and delicate, but if you’re unlucky enough to… Read more »
Yep, it definitely does go both ways.
And I tried to write that point acknowledging both that lots of people have a legitimate preference for taller men, and that a *loooooot* of the people who have a preference for taller men have one rooted in unquestioned kyriarchal fuckery. Apparently I didn’t make the first bit clear enough. 😛
I think it can be pretty hard to parse out where our preferences come from, though. If I’m going to some kind of theoretical dating event where I can choose to mingle with either a group of tall men or a group of short men, do I choose the former because of a) kyriarchal fuckery; b) legitimate preference; or c) a lower likelihood of rejection/negging from taller dudes? It’s probably a little bit of all these things, but I’m honestly not sure how I could ever separate them out.
“unquestioned kyriarchal fuckery.” And now I’ve found my newest favorite phrase. Thanks! : – ) I think the point about many women wanting to wear high heels is a very good one. It’s a very common sentiment, from what I understand. For some women, whether it’s gender programming or not, there is something sexually reassuring about wearing high heels and still being shorter than a man, because in their sense of themselves, wearing high heels is especially feminine and being shorter than a man also feels very feminine. (The way *they* see feminine, of course.) I suspect part of this… Read more »
You seem to be trying to have it both ways. You’re willing to smear an anonymous majority, but anybody who actually has this preference can be written off as one of the few who isn’t a terrible person, for no adequately explained reason except that you don’t want to confront them.
link still didn’t come out right-
title is “Tall men earn more than shorter colleagues, research claims.”
article is at telegraph.co/uk
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/5887567/Tall-men-earn-more-than-shorter-colleagues-research-claims..html
I wonder if the bias is because shorter men tend to have lower incomes….
link didn’t come out right….
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/5887567/Tall-men-earn-more-than-shorter-colleagues-research-claims..html
It’s part of a society-wide, systemic height discrimination. You can’t divorce one from the other.
Eh, I’m only 5’7, but I don’t particularly see the point in calling women who only want to date men over 6 foot tall horrible. They’re only really hurting themselves (they’re limiting themselves to a fairly shallow pool of men, and most of them won’t be attractive enough to actually compete for them). Plus, to be honest, I don’t want to date taller women. It won’t look right when we stand together. And seriously, stay away from dating sites. The men who frequent them tend to look at online as just another hunting grounds. But the women on those sites… Read more »
@Soullite- I’m a woman who is looking for a relationship with a man and having trouble finding one, and I am currently considering using dating sites to help. I was saddened to read what you say about women who use dating sites, because it probably comes from your personal experience. But then I wondered if you would consider me one of those women who turns down men who hit on them in real life in favour of a ‘fantasy ideal’. In the past 6 months I have had two offers of relationships from male friends, but turned them down because… Read more »
My experience with online dating is that, if a woman is attractive and photogenic and has a thick-skin (i.e. can deal with the douchebags without getting discouraged) that it can be quite successful for them. For men, the time investment is pretty extreme because they are the ones that have to send out the cold e-mails (which can be very time consuming) and hope for a response, with your average response rate being 2-5 %. I think my response rate is much higher, maybe 25 %, but that’s because I’m extremely selective and only send out an email every two… Read more »
… or you could try not reducing people to their number ratings and see how that goes for you? Honestly, that’s just gross.
I personally am a gay male. I think the point that is trying to be made here, in regard to the “terrible people” thing is that some people will either refuse to give you a chance, so you shouldn’t worry about them (they’re not necessarily terrible people, but they’re not datable people if they won’t consider you when thinking about partners). And the rest is saying that it’s all right to be short. Accept who you are, and don’t try to prove your masculinity like some small, yappy dogs will do. I think that a lot of people find small… Read more »
Sometimes one thing can ruin it, but it has to be serious. The thing you’re missing here is that some things are more/less important to different people. As long as you do what you can to not hurt the other person when you find out about an issue that you feel is a deal-breaker, you’re still not a terrible person – no matter how trivial other people think that issue may be. If an effort can be made to compromise on the issue, go for it, but otherwise it might be better to just end a relationship instead of staying… Read more »
I would appreciate it if you suggested, rather than stated, that I’m missing something. The reason I say this is that I in fact agree with you. I know that importance is not universal. In fact, I’m glad it’s not. My point with it is that if one does not find their partner’s flaw to be a true deal-breaker, like if one has a phobia of body hair and the other refuses to shave, and there is no way to compromise, of course the relationship should end! But I’m saying that, for example, if I don’t like it when people… Read more »
I m not a tall guy but neither am I the shortest in the bunch, I think the problems of short men with dating only comes from their mindset. If a woman has a problem with dating you because she is taller than you, its her preference, move along and find somebody else who will like you for who you are. Everybody has biases and everybody has insecurities, be confident about your height or lack thereof and also have a thick skin because at the end of the day, you cant win all the time.
“But most of the women who only like tall dudes and won’t even consider a dude who’s below six feet? Are terrible people.” But most of the men who only like tall dudes and won’t even consider a dude regardless of size? Are terrible people. But most of the Asexual people who only like romance won’t even consider sexual encounters? Are terrible people. But most of the Lions who only eat Zebras and won’t even consider eating vultures? Terrible Lions. ——— If a woman only gets groin tingles from tall men, I suppose thats what she likes, I don’t see… Read more »
Doh! should have been:
“But most of the men who only like women won’t even consider a dude regardless of size? Are terrible people.”
I think Ozy was trying to show the difference between a preference and someone who wouldn’t even look at someone who does not fit some rigid standard. For example, I have a preference for men with dark hair. But I am dating someone with light hair. I love my boyfriend’s hair, despite it not being my preference. Conversely, if I flat out refused to date my boyfriend because he did not have naturally dark hair, despite him being quite compatible with me and we have many common interests and he’s a perfectly sweet and caring person and damn if I… Read more »
I notice that before you go into asexual lions and what else, the examples you use are of a standard women have for men, and… a standard (gay) men have for men. Something very obvious is missing here. “But most of the men who only like thin women and won’t even consider her if she’s above a certain weight? [Aren’t] terrible people.” “But most of the men who only like young women and won’t even consider her if she’s above a certain age? [Aren’t] terrible people.” Say it. Say it without adding any qualifiers or other backpedaling. Otherwise, kindly stop… Read more »
“Say it. Say it without adding any qualifiers or other backpedaling. Otherwise, kindly stop being a hypocrite and be quiet.” Im not sure if you failed as hard at reading as I did when first posting (did you even look at the correction?). “(Actually, for some reason I’m thinking you’re male, in which case I should say “stop trying so hard” rather than “stop being a hypocrite”. But w/e.)” Ah yes, Im a white HET CIS male, dear god look at all the privilege I acknowledge! My arguments about why its wrong to call people terrible for having sexual or… Read more »
Your correction says: “But most of the men who only like women won’t even consider a dude regardless of size? Are terrible people.” That sounds like you’re saying that men who only like women and won’t consider dudes (of any size, because they’re not gay) aren’t bad people, just as women who enforce strict height minimums are. That’s… really not a parallel comparison at all. You could have meant “dude” in a gender-neutral sense, but if that’s what you meant then frankly your clarification is even more unclear than your original post supposedly was. Clearly the parallel to height minimums… Read more »
“Clearly the parallel to height minimums in men is weight maximums in women. If you intended this comparison, you could have made it a LOT clearer. If this is in fact what you meant, I sense a caution and vagueness that weren’t there when you were “absolving” women. This would be merely a softer form of the double standard I alluded to.” Im not the Pope or anything else in a position to absolve entire genders, sorry. (Not that was my intention in anyway). I was just pointing out labeling a group of people terrible for having a preference which… Read more »
I take issue with #1: Most women, most people, have these quirky little turn offs. Height is a common one, but there are others like “Plays Magic the Gathering” or ” Has neurodivergent body language” that completely kill attraction. Branding someone who does this a “Terrible person” doesn’t do anyone any good. It sets up a situation where women end up , in order to not feel like a “Terrible Person” , have to choose partners that they aren’t attracted to, OR as more usually happens, blow up something else into a “legit” reason for rejection. Which just causes bad… Read more »
I see what you’re saying here, but the “My preferences just are” vs. “My preferences are shaped by our society and its BS” debate can go on and on in circles forever… Can we just say that if you find your preferences mysteriously line up with what you’ve been told you are supposed to want, it may be worth interrogating them? However I too would rephrase the point in the post to say that it’s a good thing people who don’t want to date short men, will stay away, because then short guys don’t have to waste time chasing after… Read more »
“Height is a common one, but there are others like “Plays Magic the Gathering” or ” Has neurodivergent body language” that completely kill attraction” Height I completely understand. The “Plays Magic the Gathering” I don’t. Plus in the case where this actually did come up, my feeling was the author made a big show of showing how picky she was. Sometimes I think people reject people for arbitrary reasons to make themselves feel desirable and valuable and to advertise their own superiority. As if to say look at me I am powerful and desireable so I can find arbitrary, stupid… Read more »
“Most women, most people, have these quirky little turn offs. Height is a common one, but there are others like “Plays Magic the Gathering” or ” Has neurodivergent body language” that completely kill attraction.” I assume you mention ‘Magic the Gathering’ due to the Jon Finkel scandal and the woman who wrote an article about finding it a deal-breaker that he played. She might have found out that it’s actually a really fun game if she gave it a try. Not only that, but it’s great for making friends, requires a lot of brain power, and if you’re as good… Read more »
My point is, I’m not willing to write off every woman who rejects me as a lousy human being. There are just too damn many of ’em.
Everyone has unconscious biases.