In fiction, one often runs across villains who want to literally end the world. Destroy all humanity, wipe everything out, bam. No more people, no more civilization. As a boy, I didn’t really understand this impulse; I mean, what’s to be gained by ending the world?
As an adult, I come across articles like this and suddenly that impulse makes a lot of sense. It’s all about the skillset necessary to “land” (her word) a Wall Street investor. It’s depressing enough to realize that there are some people who still think of Wall Street investors as anything other than overentitled douchebags who wreck everything, but this article manages to get worse. It lays out, at some length, how you can expect this guy to be a massive overentitled douchebag of a shitty boyfriend, but who cares because he’s rich, right?
How to Date a Wall Street Man
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Here are a few tips for the women out there who are dating or would like to be dating a man on Wall Street:
1. Be prepared to charm him out of talking about work when he first arrives to the date. Unfortunately, a lot of guys on Wall Street have a hard time leaving work at the office; it’s your job to get his mind on you and off the S & P.
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3. While a Wall Street man tends to like a little bit of a challenge when it comes to dating, he still likes things to be convenient and easy for him. A lot of women think that if they play hard to get, they will land a Wall Street man. This is NOT the case. Yes, you should be confident and avoid being a pushover but, at the same time, you shouldn’t be difficult. You need to be accommodating or his schedule and time constraints or he will get frustrated and find another woman.
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5. Be sexy. Wall Street men tend to like women who are attractive and that other men notice when they walk in the room. This does not mean that you should look sleazy or inappropriate, this just means that you should bring your “A game” when you go out with him, whatever that is.
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7. Don’t get upset if your Wall Street guy isn’t as romantic as you would like him to be. Men, by nature are never as romantic as women want them to be, but Wall Street men especially are very business-like and think practically not romantically.
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9. When it comes to getting you a gift, a lot of Wall Street men are all about extravagance over thoughtfulness. If you are a decadent woman, this will work well for you, but if you are a woman who prefers a man to be thoughtful over spending lavishly on something you don’t really want, you might be disappointed. This does not mean that a Wall Street man can’t be thoughtful, many are. However, a lot of Wall Street men are so busy making lots of money, that when they think to buy you something, they don’t care about the cost as long as it’s easy to get for you.
Okay then. I think we’ve given this “human civilization” thing an honest try. I’ve been more than fair with you people. I’m not even dissecting the ugly assumptions about men, women, love, sex, anything in that article, I’m just activating the Omega Beam. Maybe the ants will do a better job with this planet.
(So I guess I was also taking a lighthearted jab at Mr. Brand, in the “lol ur a radfem” sort of way.)
@L: I was taking a light-hearted jab at the rad-fems out there. It was amusing to me because since ants are considered “female” NoahBrand was, probably unintentionally, spouting one of the oldest “truisms” of rad-fem: that women should kill all the men and take over since they’d do so much a better job.
I am in no way suggesting that NoahBrand is radfem or that he believes women would do a better job than men at ruling the world. That’s why there was the PS, just in case someone thought I was being serious.
I’ve never understood this whole, “women want men to be more romantic, but no man is ever romantic enough to please any woman” bullshit.
I mean, I’m not a woman, or very romantic, so maybe I just don’t know. But my boyfriend is so very romantic. All the time. Like, I have to periodically ask him to try and dial back the romance a bit. And surely he’s not the only one like that.
Oops. I take that back. By the time I read the rest of the article, I forgot Noah had written this:
Carry on, Developer^3
@Developer^3:
I think you’re confused. Noah linked to and quoted from an article written by someone else that is making those assertions. Noah is opposed to the contents of the article, and is holding it up for ridicule.
How to Date a Wall Street Man (Continued): 12. Be open to his mood swings. Even the most successful Wall Street man will flub a credit default swap now and then. He is only human after all. It is important to remember that when he does his job well, many lives elsewhere could be ruined, but when he does something wrong, there is a fair chance he will get a stern finger-wag from his superior, and will in those rare moments feel vulnerable and unloved. The Wall Street man will often try to hide this pain, but you should remain… Read more »
I’m not entirely sure how to respond to this. For one, Noah gets it horribly wrong by treating Wall Street men as a monolith. I find it hard to believe that everyone who works in finance or works to support those who work in finance is by definition an asshole. And, many people who have no direct connect to finance or Wall Street will have a lot of the traits that Noah and some of the commentators think are horrible. 1. Be prepared to charm him out of talking about work when he first arrives to the date. Unfortunately, a… Read more »
Last is the “playing god” type. They think they can create paradise on Earth. It’s just that there’s this little problem where the existing civilization totally gets in the way of that. These are the ones you need to watch out for. See this: “When our earthly vessels meet their end, the souls they housed must leave this world. Would the path of their migration not be the same one as our departed gods? Must they not pass through the same doorway the Divine employed to reach that place that lies beyond? If this is the case, it stands to… Read more »
@Ted:
Tyranids love Tau — they taste good. Therefore, I love Tau. =P
@Superglucose:
I interpreted your comment as a lighthearted jab at radical feminism, and lol’ed.
That said, I’m pretty sure that ant and bee workers, though technically sterile females, do not have a full suite of genes from either sex. I’m not trying to be political, just nitpicking. =P
(of course, queens DO run the show, making your point more valid).
Fun fact: a bee’s stinger is actually a modified ovipositor. Which, if you think about it, makes stinging someone a VERY political act!
@Superglucose: How is that at all typical?
I mean, beyond “funny ha ha” joking around, in the same way I might joke around about AI killing everyone and establishing a robot-dominated society where the highest position I might hope to attain is sex slave. Which, in accordance with the joke, my punchline is “I’d be cool with that!”
And even then, I really only see radfems doing that.
Superglucose:
Are there ant species where males have any other role than that? I was under the impression that due to the haplodiploid sex determination system, male ants would generally be quite fragile creatures that are pretty much unfit for anything but mating (which also kills them).
Termites, on the other hand, are somewhat more equal-opportunity, as far as eusocial insects go.
You can’t buy me Wall Street Maaaaaan.
Omega Beam?
Darkseid has the Omega Beams, use one of Lex Luthor’s doomsday devices 😉
What a typical feminist thing to do: suggest we kill everyone and let a female dominated society take over!
(p.s. if you missed it, all ants in a colony are typically female. Males live just long enough to mate then they die… typically.)
As far as silver linings go, it makes me feel better that in this article, terrible people seem to be pairing up with terrible people.
I like to think that there are people who aren’t particularly bright or knowledgeable, but who have jobs writing columns. There they are, faced with a deadline and with nothing to say. So they say whatever drifts into their minds. It doesn’t mean very much.
This may be a patronizing point of view, but it does settle my nerves, and at least it keeps the rest of you safe from my hobnailed Omega Boot.
To reference a song from a previous thread:
“I’ll do my best to teach them about life and what it’s worth. I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the Earth.”
@ Gaius, I’d prefer the Tau, better at a distance and they’re for the Greater Good.
Oh man, most of the advice is : “Don’t get upset by XYZ.” and it goes on to describe shit behavior you can expect. Tell me again, why do we want wall street men? They sound boring. PS rich men exist outside of Wall Street so if money is important to you (and I can understand why for some people it is) maybe you don’t have to “avoid being upset” as your main tactic. Find an awesome rich guy instead. Though it might be harder to attract a rich, awesome person instead of just being as complicit as humanly possible;… Read more »
Oh, god, the wrongness, it burns…
My kingdom for an army of Tyranids…
4. Tell stories that are short and sweet because the mind of a Wall Street man is always moving so rapidly and focusing on so many different things that his attention span for social stories is very short; don’t be insulted by this, just tell your stories in a way that he can listen. Save your long, draw-out stories for chit-chatting with your girlfriends. ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Sure, you may not have found a partner who enjoys listening to you and who can focus on you in conversation. He may not care about whatever the fuck pointless estrogen-y bullshit you keep blabbering… Read more »
You know, at first, I thought this might be a how-to for people who have fallen in love with a Wall Street guy and are trying to navigate a new relationship, or whatever else they’re doing. I mean, having a demanding schedule and everything like that is stressful for a relationship, and if the people in said relationship can’t accommodate for it, then it isn’t going to work out. I feel like such a relationship guide could be legit, with proper editing and an eye for equality. And then I saw it was for how to -land- a Wall Street… Read more »
I read allot of bloggers it’s fair to say by people of all races, genders and political views who are capable of writing amazingly, daring, beautiful, articulate, controversial peaces of writing. People who challenge me to look at the world in new ways that I had never before considered, people who are able to make me feel complex emotional states or render me into a state of unbridled hilarity. People who would kill for the kind of exposure that comes from being featured on a major American network like CBS with the potential to increase their readership 10 fold and… Read more »
Ugh, yuck, and get away from me, is all I’ve got to say to these WallStreetMen!
…What if the “Wall Street guy” you start dating turns out to be Patrick Bateman?
I mean, I know sociopathic serial killers are a tiny minority not limited to denizens of Wall Street. But still.