A survivor of childhood sexual abuse knows bisexuality is real, but wonders if he was born this way or made.
Editor’s note: This post contains descriptions of childhood sexual abuse.
I identify as a bisexual male, and I am in a polyamorous relationship with a gay semi-closeted man and a woman who has never bothered to decide if she is straight or bisexual (a choice I admire). We live together and are raising our four children together. My partners are not sexually intimate with each other, but they have become close friends. We share parenting duties with my “adopted parents”, and comprise a family I created to help me heal from the family I was born to.
My partners accept me as I am, including my need to have other outside experiences at times, with both men and women. We have rules and agreements that help everything run smoothly, more or less. We have an unusual relationship and challenging issues to deal with due to my being a survivor of years of incest and child sexual abuse, in what they call a “child sex ring,” run by my father. I have many hurdles to face and I have only begun to really tackle some of the larger problems in my effort to heal and recover. Because of these issues, I am fortunate to have partners who accept me and my needs and boundaries. Needless to say, our children know that dad has a relationship with the man they call their uncle, and they know they are loved. Since the first question tends to be “What about the children?” Don’t worry, they’re fine, unharmed, and being taught good values and everything.
I am “out and proud” as they say, in the sense that I’ve never hidden my attraction to both genders and I will tell people that I identify as bisexual if they ask. As a label, it doesn’t bother me to say or hear “bisexual.” Labels can be a cumbersome nuisance, but they can assist to make sense of discussions.
The problems I encounter with the label “bisexual” come from others, on both sides of the orientation line. I don’t care about arguing semantics or terminology, but I try to be sensitive to others and what they prefer to be called. Yet I find that both heterosexual and homosexual people often dislike, mistrust, and even shun or insult those who claim to be bisexual. Some of the pansexuals I know just shrug and say they are bisexual because they are tired of explaining. There is so much misinformation to counter: that “most” bisexuals are just “scared to admit they are gay,” that bisexuality isn’t real, or that I’m not “really” attracted to both (or should I say “most”?) genders. The fact is that I find tennis star Anna Kornikova just as alluring as actor George Clooney.
This ridiculous stigma affects male and female bisexuals, with the added insult that bisexual females are often accused of just being curious. Female bisexuality is generally considered “hot” by society, and usually portrayed in pop culture media as an excuse for an MFF threesome (as if women “can’t be bisexual together” without a man to “legitimize it”). Meanwhile, bisexual men are despised by nearly everybody, and unlike “lesbian porn,” “gay porn” is marginalized or outright called “disgusting.”
I may actually be pansexual, because I get attracted to the person more than “the plumbing” if you will. I’d be more intrigued by an interesting and kind person, way before I factor in what gender or orientation they identify as. I also don’t care about shallow issues like weight and body image, but that’s a whole other topic. Still, I hadn’t even heard the term “pansexual” until a handful of years ago. I’m simply not that wrapped up in labels or the War of Terminology.
Society tries to insist that we all pick a “team”, choose a “side”, and then stay on our respective sides. “Pick a label and wear it, so we can pigeonhole, categorize, and demonize accordingly,” seems to be the way society works. Happily, not everybody complies; in my opinion it makes the world more interesting when they don’t.
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Now that I’ve shared a bit about what my bi life is like, and my views on bisexuality and society’s labels and stigmas, I want to share the bigger issue involved with my identifying as bisexual, and why I prefer to say that I “identify as” rather than saying “I am.”
When a child or teen is raped, by a male or female rapist, they are not allowed to discover what their orientation is before sex is pushed on them. Child sexual abuse warps so many things that these children will never be able to do or discover naturally at the times that others do.
The first time I was raped, by my father, I was four years old. I face the confusion and even fear of knowing that there will never be a way to know if I was born gay, bisexual, or straight. I was abused by both men and women, and I was used sexually by both parents. I know I am more comfortable in sexual situations with men, and yet I also crave sex with women. On the flip side, I am more afraid of men I don’t know than I am of women, finding women more comfortable to spend time with “hanging out.” Was I born gay and abuse rewired me to feel a desire for women? The most common myth is that “abuse will turn a straight victim gay,” and trust me, that is hogwash. By that token, I can assume abuse can’t “make me” bisexual either, so maybe I really was born bisexual. What nags at the back of my mind is the absolute fact that I will never know. It is a piece of myself that was torn out and can never be replaced or “fixed.” Hand in hand with the “abstinence debate,” these are conversations I can never really participate in. My choice to decide to “wait until you’re old enough for sex” was taken away from me, as was the discovery of what my orientation was at birth.
When society demands that I pick a team and wear a label (or risk them branding me with one, and that hurts a lot more) for the sake of simplicity I say I identify as bisexual. Yet what I believe is this: Orientation is not a choice, fluidity of sexuality does exist for some people, and all people, including children, have the right to figure out their own answers to these issues, and to decide to wear labels or not. I also believe nobody has the right to answer these issues for anybody else, and what a person’s label may or may not be is far less important than the kind of person they are.
Read more on Bisexual Men on The Good Life.
Image of threesome courtesy of Shutterstock
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXAoG8vAyzI
It would probably be easier for people to discover their true orientation if most people didn’t expect all aspects of orientation to fit nicely under one label.
@Richard Aubrey: The bulk of your comment is far too dystopian for me to tackle. I’ve said (both in my article and comments) that I agree with the findings by most studies that sexual orientation is established at birth; we are “born that way”. I believe that can’t be changed, and more studies (backed by most psychiatric organizations) have concluded that “reparative therapy” does not and cannot work; in addition it causes harm and the fight to ban it from being used on minors is currently raging in California. In my opinion, it needs to be banned entirely. If a… Read more »
I don’t know why we always have to find a “cause” for a person’s sexuality. The author may have been made bisexual or pansexual. Why does that matter? My belief that the majority of people are born with the sexuality that they have (and the research supports me). However, there some people who choose their sexuality or were made into what they are. We should concentrate more on acceptance with how people are rather than how they got that way.
Sounds like one of those do-you-really-want-to-go-there issues. If an orientation is “made” through abuse or some other experience, then it can probably be un “made”. Problem is, many activists oppose reparative therapy. It is said not to work, which is one thing, but there seems to be more resistance than that. For one thing, if the issue is being ineffective, then there’d be no objection to figuring out something that might. But if reparative therapy can’t possibly work no matter how much work is done in research, because it’s a matter of being born that way, we have another problem.… Read more »
Ruben D, yes you understand my meaning and thank you for commenting. I hear from so few male survivors who are gay or bi and have no conflicts about it. There is very little information out there to help the gay or bi male survivor to recover. I have requested of 1in6.org to have a page dedicated to gay and bi survivors who don’t question their orientation but who need a “for gay and bi” resource. So many male survivor resources only seem to address straight survivors who may be confused about orientation. Obviously, that is needed, but resources for… Read more »
I was sexually molested by many men and one woman. I agree with what it feels like to have some decisions taken from me. Such as who I am truly attracted to. Now, I have no doubts that I am a gay man. That was clear to me from the get go. My emotional issues had more to do with the sexual abuse and the torture I was subjected to as a young child. In regards to my sexual orientation and identification, I was educated to believe I was a heterosexual man and not knowing any different that’s what i… Read more »
hermaphrodite model Jesus Benitez Valdivieso is the example of pansexualism
J, as 1/6 said, talking to a therapist is the best advice I can give. Even if you just try one appointment for one hour. When I started therapy, it was hard to tell, hard to face what happened to me. But it has helped me. Saying this here for the first time took courage. For immediate help, I suggest the 1in6.org website. They have a lot of information and they are very respectful. Abuse doesn’t change orientation, but it can confuse us and effect our behaviors. A therapist can help you confidentially, and just talking it out to a… Read more »
J – I’m 43 and have just allowed myself to consider that I was shaped by the abuse. I didn’t believe that it contributed to who I became and reality is that it absolutely did. I found a great therapist and am working through my own journey. No one knows, not my wife, not my friends, not the guys I find myself with occasionally… The first step was difficult, subsequent steps have been easier.
This sounds familiar to me. I don’t know for sure if I was sexually abused as a child, but I know there are lots of experiences with my dad that I was told not to share with other people because they wouldn’t understand. Showers, cuddling, massages and other things. I identify as straight, but I’ve slept with men more than women even though I am not physically attracted to men. I wonder why I accept sex with aggressive older men when not feeling attracted to them and feeling both disgusted and violated afterward. It triggers “memories” but I don’t know… Read more »