—
Are you a survivor of childhood trauma or abuse? It may sound odd, but many people who were victimized by their families don’t fully realize it until they are well into adulthood.
Growing up in a home with addiction and abuse creates very distinct and predictable dynamics. The most basic of these is denial. Another key dynamic in is fear.
Addicts are often unpredictable, even unstable. They’re prone to be more abusive, both verbally and physically, as was the case in our home with an alcoholic father and mentally unstable mother. We grew up feeling isolated—not just from the outside world, but from each other. We were afraid to bring friends home because we didn’t know who or what would greet us. Living with fear, and with abuse an ever-present possibility, we learned to hide — from everyone and everything.
Research from the CDC shows that more than 60 percent of adults report having had a least one adverse childhood experience (ACE), and nearly 25 percent report three or more. The most prevalent are emotional abuse, parental separation or divorce, and household substance abuse. But other examples include physical abuse, domestic violence in the home, and emotional and physical neglect. We had five ACEs in our household and were borderline for at least one more.
Stuffing down pain and trauma doesn’t contribute to our well-being. It undermines it. But trying to unwind a lifetime of fear and dysfunction is a painfully slow task. It wasn’t until we began to have children of our own that we first recognized the addiction and abuse in our family. We noticed very disturbing patterns in the family that were interfering with our ability to create stable, loving homes of our own. Our desire to be good parents motivated us to break our multigenerational cycle of addiction and abuse.
If you come to realize that you’ve experienced ACEs, we want you to know that gaining an intellectual understanding of the past is important, but it’s only the first step. Healing will also require examining what has happened, and is happening to you right now — mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Here are some discoveries we made along the way that helped.
1. Uncover who you are. Our journey of recovery required us to reexamine our entire life, recognize the times that we were badly abused, and feel the pain associated with that trauma. The process of healing and recovery produced an identity crisis as we were no longer defined by the roles that we played in our family’s addiction and abuse cycle. We had to transition from continuously trying to seek our parents’ approval to discovering what could nurture us personally.
2. Move through the fear. All the fear we’d lived with was front and center. The big task became trying to move through the fear. For the average person, doing something new always requires risk. But for those who grew up in abusive situations, it’s downright terrifying.
3. Allow yourself to cry. In our home, crying was an outward sign of weakness that wasn’t tolerated. Crying provides a tremendous emotional release—a movement of energy, if you will—which is all for the good. It releases both pent-up sorrow and anger.
4. Let go of toxic relationships. Once we started in therapy, we tried to include our parents and another sibling, but they were too far gone in their own dysfunction to hope for or attempt healthy interactions any longer. We made the painful but necessary decision to break all ties with them. This felt like a death at the time, which it was—the death of our family of origin myths. But it was also a new beginning. It became a kind of rebirth.
5. Explore resources for healing. Sadly, there continues to be a societal stigma around victims of addiction and abuse. Understand that the shame is not yours. There are many places that will welcome and encourage you. We recommend groups like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Survivor support groups can be helpful. Above all, keep reaching out as long as you feel there is more healing to do. Don’t let shame or a bad experience with one group push you back into your shell.
There’s no road map and no definitive path. The route you choose will be your own. And you won’t be able to tell exactly where you’ll end up. We still don’t know where our roads are taking us. We’re learning how to follow our hearts, and we’ve come far enough to know how worthwhile all the effort is.
—