David Stanley suggests that if Congress considers its private gym essential during the shutdown, the American people should make sure our representatives make good use of it.
The Congressional gym is still open. While I am heartened to learn that our Congress is still concerned with maintaining a healthy body image in the midst of a crisis, I suspect that I am in the minority.
I kid. I am disgusted. The contemptuous rat-bastards of Congress who insist that keeping their private health club open, sans towel service, is essential to governing our country have now demonstrated that whenever one believes that ‘inside the Beltway” narcissism cannot go any lower, it can.
I suspect the 5% of the U.S. population who approve of the job Congress is doing (AP-GfK poll) are equally pleased that the tax dollars wasted on frivolities like NOAA, EPA, FDIC, FCC, Mine Safety, OSHA, NIH and CDC can now be spent on such essentials as the Congressional water treading competition and the Senate’s treadmill drill team.
Who needs to be concerned about the safety and well-being of the people, Mr. and Ms. Congressperson, as long as you can still go for a swim and a soak in the hot tub, at taxpayer expense, after a long day of doing nothing about a crisis of your own creation?
Nothing says “I’m acting on behalf of my constituents” quite like a rousing game of paddleball and a schvitz after a tough day of making certain that the flu and salmonella outbreaks normally tracked by the CDC might well be tracked by a Congressperson whose scientific credentials are highlighted by a frog dissection during 9th grade biology in 1982. I’ll sleep more soundly tonight knowing that should an E.coli outbreak hit, the same fine minds tending to our nation’s budget have ensured that experts in the field will not be in their laboratories in the morning.
I have a helpful tip for the robber baron corporate types out there. If you were ever inclined to screw over the American people any more than you normally do, now is the time. Nearly every important regulatory body in this country is now shut down or severely hamstrung. You don’t even need lobbyists any more. While the Congresspeople on which you have spent billions of dollars are sitting in their private sauna, the regulators whom you despise are home wondering if they’ll be able to pay the mortgages and grocery bills.
Here’s my solution to the shutdown. We superglue those lazy asses to the exercise bikes in the private gym, we handcuff those who have handcuffed the American people to the treadmills, and we duct tape the rest of those gutless Washingtonians to the elliptical trainers. Next, we invite regular American people into the gym. We, the People, get to crank up the resistance and the vitriol as we act as personal trainers for Congress. When Congress learns that we don’t give a rat’s ass about their personal health and fitness until they start to care about the health and fitness of the U.S., then we let them take a shower at taxpayer expense.
But they better bring their own damn towels.