Oh cherished child of mine, you are old enough to shower on your own now. It’s not that I don’t have faith in your abilities or intelligence; it’s just that all of those things dissipate like fog from a mirror on a chilly morning as you cross the threshold of the bathroom. Please allow me to walk you through the steps of showering independently one last time, for I’d love to graduate from shower assistant now, please and thank you.
Step 1. Get a towel.
No, not a hand towel. One big enough to dry your body with.
Step 2. Now get a washcloth.
No, not the crunchy one still crumbled up on the floor of the tub — put that thing in the hamper. Get a clean towel. They’re under the sink. You know, the same place they’ve been for the past nine years we’ve lived in this house using this bathroom to shower in? Yes, there.
Step 3. Put the pretty fabric shower curtain outside the tub.
Is it outside the tub? All of it? Are you sure?
Step 4. Now put the clear shower curtain liner inside the tub.
How about you just make really REALLY sure that curtain liner is fully inside the tub, okay? It’d make me feel so much better.
Step 5. Okay, we’re getting there — now turn the water on.
It will be cold at first, so let it warm up. Close the curtains while it warms up.
Step 6. Don’t get naked before you warm it up, or you’ll complain.
Remember: warm water, THEN nakedness. In that order. This is not difficult.
Step 7. Once it’s warm, get in the shower (naked) and shut the curtains all the way closed.
I repeat: Allll the way.
Step 8. Wet yourself, head to toe.
Yes, you have to wet your face, too. I know you think you don’t like getting your face wet with perfectly clean water, but you spent approximately six thousand hours happily jumping into pools filled with pee, chlorine, and dead bugs this past summer, so I’m ignoring your pleas to keep your face dry. Wet. Your. Face. Child.
9. Now wash your hair.
With shampoo. Not the whole bottle, just a little. Like, the size of a dime. Not a bar of soap.
Also, we both know which shampoo is yours, my love: it’s the neon bottle on the low shelf that says “2 in 1” on it. Understand that if you use my fancy shampoo and conditioner instead, I will remove funds from your college savings to replenish it. I will know if you used it. Don’t test me. Your. Sham. Poo.
10. Next, rinse the shampoo out of your hair.
All of it. I know this means getting your face wet again, but find a way to deal with that tragedy, okay? I’m confident you can survive it. Stay strong.
Some important things to note while on this step:
- Please remember while you get bored during rinsing your hair that my shower pouf is not to be used to wash soap scum off the walls.
- Please remember while you get bored during rinsing your hair that my razor is not a toy. It is danger. Just say no to the danger razor.
- Do me a favor now and check the curtains to make sure they’re closed? My guess is that by now you’ve pulled them open approximately 3-17 times to wipes your eyes. Pull them all the way closed. Are you sure they’re closed?
Okay. Next step.
11. Now wash your body.
Read: USE. SOAP. TO. WASH. YOUR. BODY. UNTIL. IT. IS CLEAN. Put actual soap on an actual washcloth and rub it all over yourself. Especially the places that are stinky or stained. Focus on those bits.
Sweet baby cheeses I just know the curtain is open and there is a river of tween filth runoff streaming into the floor by the one spot right now that the caulk pulled off between the tiles. PUT THE LINER BACK INSIDE THE TUB.
12. Now rinse your body off.
All of it. Do your hair once more for good measure.
Okay, so you’re done — well, almost. Turn off the water and get out.
13. Now dry off with the towel (and for the love of all that is left of my sanity, hang your damp towel on a hook).
I swear, if I find it on the floor, I will say terrible things. Please don’t make your mama say terrible things: hang your towel up.
All done! Now it’s time to get dressed.
(You remembered to put on underwear, right?)
This article originally appeared on Babble. For more like this on Babble, try:
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