Marie Roker-Jones looks at how parents do a disservice to their children by telling them they’re special.
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When David McCullough gave his commencement speech last year at Wellesley High School, I applauded him for having the guts to tell these kids and their parents, “You’re Not That Special”. It’s about time someone told some of these kids to get over their sense of entitlement and to actually do something worthy in this world.
I am so sick of hearing parents praise their kids for everyday things they should be doing anyway. “You wiped your butt.” Here’s a reward. “You did your homework.” Here’s an incentive to keep doing it. Why are we so obsessed with making sure our kids think they’re so special?
I live in NYC, the mecca of parents who believe their children are highly intelligent, creative, artistic, exceptionally gifted in every area of their life. It’s no wonder we were named #1 city for the most spoiled kids. I can’t take a stroll with my toddler in Central Park without being accosted by another mom who feels the need to share the brilliance of her little Hayden or Spencer. I could care less if your toddler knows “chartreuse” is a shade of green. Tell me your toddler can make flan or crème brûlée from scratch, then I’d be impressed.
The problem is that we now live in a society where we want our kids to be happy and have a healthy self esteem. Yet, we’re causing more damage with this need to raise praise junkies. How will these kids cope as adults when they have to deal with adversity, failure and rejection? No one is going to give your child a medal or reward him for just showing up to work.
We feel so pressured to tell our kids that they are unique and gifted, but we don’t back it up with proof. Better yet. we don’t let our kids uncover their gifts and talents on their own. We’re so busy feeding their ego that we neglect to teach them to trust their instincts. Isn’t it more important that your son knows his strengths and his gifts and how he will use them to impact the world?
Maybe your son wasn’t meant to be popular or famous or wealthy. Maybe he was meant to be average but do great things in a small, quiet way. We don’t hear about everyday people who are making a difference in the world because some of them choose to be humble and not feel the need to shout to the world about their greatness. Some people are just doing simple, little things to make a difference in the world. No fanfare, no mom or dad boosting their ego.
When my son was tested for kindergarten and admitted to a K-5 gifted program, my husband and I decided that we wouldn’t let our son know that he was in the program. That is until 3rd grade when another kid in his class informed him that they were the “smart bunch”. We squelched any idea that our son had that somehow he was entitled because he was in this program. We wanted him to value education and be enthusiastic about learning.
I don’t believe that raising great kids involves filling them with empty praise and rewarding them for mundane efforts. It involves encouraging and supporting them to be a better person, taking into account their individual interests, learning styles and skills. It’s about loving them just as they are. It’s showing our kids the importance of doing for others without getting recognition for it.
In a society where kids are learning to claim their 15 minutes of fame through Vine or YouTube videos by acting outrageous, we need to remind you can’t rely on accolades for your self-worth. Lauding your kids every day, isn’t going to make them exceptional; it’ll make them mediocre. If you want to raise exceptional kids, help them to be intrinsically motivated to “be the change” in their own way.
Photo: DavityDave/Flickr
Originally published on Raising Great Men
“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” -Socrates This is nothing new. People have been complaining about children and how people raise them since the beginning of time. They are too soft on their kids and their kids will be unable to handle rejection. They are to hard on their kids and they will never be able to… Read more »
@Marie Roker-Jones … I luv you! You said what I have been saying for more years then I can count. One of the advantages of my age is that I can see things in a historical perspective. I was in school when an “A” meant an “A” and an “F” meant an “F”. There were no free rides. Do they give out “F’s” anymore? What’s sad is this idea of praising the kids for virtually nothing is in fact short changing them. Parents as well as educators have lowered the bar so far that it’s as though they’re saying, you’re… Read more »
Maybe I would find your argument more credible if you had written about your average kids. Instead, you mention your son was in a gifted group. You say: “Maybe your son wasn’t meant to be popular or famous or wealthy. Maybe he was meant to be average but do great things in a small, quiet way.” Other kids, of course. Some other person’s son. Not your own. No, never your own. You clearly don’t think your own son is destined for mediocrity; after all, he’s in the gifted group of super smarties. So easy to say that other people shouldn’t… Read more »
yup, this. Besides, academic intellegence is not actually that great of a marker to determine if your kid will be mediocre or excel at life.. it seems that the ability to be Social and interpret complex social situations, rebound from failure (or rather be too arrogant or self centered to understand them as impediments) gets you a LOT further in life.. after all how else do you explain Fratboys and Sorority girls.. You don’t honestly think they are hitting the books rather than partying in order to get good jobs when they graduate? Nope, they are networking, building vast webs… Read more »
Thank you all for your comment! I get what you’re saying about including that my son was admitted into a gifted program. This wasn’t mentioned as a subtle brag but more of sharing how we didn’t tell our son about it because we didn’t want him to think that this somehow made him academically gifted above other students.
What I wanted parents to understand is that what we share with our kids gives them a sense of entitlement.