I never thought I would be someone who moves in with her partner without first getting married.
I wasn’t raised that way, it never appealed to me, and I had personal reasons as to why I didn’t want to do it. Other things came to mind too when I thought about it, for instance: What if they’re not as clean as I am? What if they can’t handle me on a daily basis? What if I can’t handle them on a daily basis?
Most importantly, I adore my independence. When I first moved to LA, my schedule consisted of nothing but the gym, coffee shops, and going to the beach. I felt like a man didn’t really fit into any of those categories…except maybe the gym. Personally, I’ve never met a guy who is willing to sunbathe with me from noon till sundown.
However, here I am, in a happy and blissful relationship now of nearly three years. I moved in with him less than a month of official dating, and I wanted to share the five lessons I’ve learned that will hopefully provide some insight and advice for anyone who is debating — or considering taking the next step in their relationship.
You really have to pick the right one for it to work.
Before moving in with my partner, I lived with roommates. Prior to moving to Los Angeles, it was only family. The first place I lived in when I moved to LA was in Culver City, I saw an ad on craigslist, contacted the guy, scheduled a tour, applied, and moved in.
Everybody told me it was a shady process, and I can definitely see how, but I got really lucky with my roommates. It was smooth, simple, and my roommates were really nice. The problem was they were both extremely, extremely messy.
The living room was always disorganized, and I’m not willing to clean up someone else’s mess in the kitchen (or anywhere really), so that was always a monstrosity too.
I never brought up the subject of chaos in the house to my partner, but the few times I visited his apartment, it was always neat and in order with no weird smells coming from the kitchen.
It definitely takes a while to see how your partner truly acts in their natural habitat, but months after living with one another, my partner remained clean and orderly.
Not having the stress of being in a disorganized house helped my mental state a lot, and having a partner who appreciated cleanliness helped eliminate any frustration or arguments that you would have with someone who, for example, might not be the cleanest person in the world.
It’s basically like living with your best friend.
I’ve always wanted my partner to be my best friend. The person I would share my deepest and darkest secrets with.
I grew up feeling like I held so much of myself in, saving every little thought and fear for the right one to come and listen.
Every person I dated prior to my partner was the wrong fit for me. It never felt right opening my heart and sharing my thoughts and fears with them. I struggled a lot with a lack of attention, a lack of commitment and devotion, and when you’re constantly insecure about the relationship you’re in, it’s hard to establish a true friendship with one another.
My partner and I did things differently; we became friends first, established a foundation with one another, and then became romantically involved.
Overall, we were friends for a few months (5–6, give or take); then started dating for a few weeks before I officially moved in. Our relationship has progressed significantly since then; our love for one another has gotten stronger, as well as our friendship.
So many people miss out on turning their romantic partnerships into friendships and I truly believe that it makes the biggest difference.
You have to communicate — a lot.
The person you’re living with was raised differently than you. It doesn’t matter how similar you are to one another; it doesn’t even matter if you’re the same ethnicity, religion, etc., because there will still be so many differences, even minuscule ones.
For your relationship to work and for you both to live with one another with fewer clashes — it’s imperative to keep an open line of communication.
This can obviously be extremely difficult for some people. For example, my partner didn’t know how to communicate for the better half of our relationship. He wasn’t raised in a house that communicated their feelings, thoughts, or emotions.
He also wasn’t raised to use any spices or sauces on his food, but that’s another story.
Looking back on it now, I know I was being naive to think my partner was capable of reading my mind and knowing that I expected him to tell me exactly how he felt at all times. The reality is, you have to ask a lot. You have to get to know your partner’s relationship style, and sometimes, you have to help them in certain areas.
If I could go back in time, I would be more patient and more understanding. I had a bad habit of blowing up whenever I felt like my partner wasn’t able to communicate, but that didn’t help me — at all.
What helped was time and explaining exactly what we both wanted and needed from one another.
Sometimes you have to take initiative and spice things up.
Being someone who thrives off structure and routine, I tend to be more attracted to people who are the same but still have a spontaneous streak in them.
I’m someone who will go to the same coffee shop for 30 days straight and not get sick of it, so it’s nice to have a partner or even a friend who will remind you that there are other coffee shops in the area and that sometimes — you have to get out of your little bubble.
When it comes to relationships, it’s easy to fall into the same routine together and let your relationship get lost in it. It happens in marriages and especially when you have kids. For example, for a while, my schedule with my partner looked like the following:
I was comfortable with the same routine every day, I think routine and structure are healthy, but like with all things, you can have too much of a good thing.
Sometimes, you have to take the initiative and spice things up. I think I rubbed off on my partner a bit because, at one point, he stopped asking to do random and fun things after getting rejected so many times, so instead, I started suggesting random outings and fun date nights.
I often forget that life isn’t always about coloring inside the lines. There’s nobody to tell me to go to bed by a certain time or not eat out on a random Tuesday night or make out with my boyfriend in the car while watching the sunset.
It’s okay to get a little wild and free, and more importantly, it’s okay to take initiative.
Compromise makes life so much easier.
Being as independent as I am, compromise has always been hard for me. If I want something, I’m not the type to stand down or settle for something less.
But here’s the thing, when you’re living, loving, and spending all of your time with another human being who also has wants, needs, and desires — compromise is the number 1 medicine that you should always turn to.
When my partner and I first started dating, my idea of a good time was spending the entire day at the beach, reading at a coffee shop, getting out of the house, etc. His perfect day? Working.
I like to unplug and relax. My partner? He will fall asleep at his desk. It’s okay to work hard; it’s okay to chase your dreams and strive towards your aspirations, but having a healthy balance — and spending time with your person is also good and healthy.
Another great example is food. I’m a huge foodie, I will never budget when it comes to groceries or going out to eat, and when my partner and I started living together, I realized his diet consisted of ground beef and rice (don’t forget he doesn’t use spices).
I became the cook in the house because I wasn’t really willing to live off ground beef and rice. I was more than satisfied with that compromise, and in the end, I think he got it good too.
Relationships are hard, and living together is a whole other story. It takes time to find a healthy and happy balance with another person under the same roof but it’s worth it in the end when you get to wake up — and go to bed next to your best friend and partner.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: by Becca Tapert on Unsplash