Being vulnerable enough to apologize to your partner when you do something you regret allows you to clear the air and get back on track. Experts believe that apologizing and forgiving your partner can allow you to break the cycle of pain, move on with your life, and turn the corner to healthier ways of communicating.
However, learning to apologize and granting your partner forgiveness takes time and humility. It has a lot to do with letting go of those things you have no control over. Perhaps the first step is being able to offer your partner a sincere apology or saying you’re sorry and showing you mean it when you do something that is regrettable or hurtful to him or her.
In any marriage or relationship, apologizing has never been easy because many people tend to be self-righteous and have difficulty letting go of trying to prove they’re “right.” However, as we learn more about each other and accept our imperfections, we see the beauty and value of adopting forgiveness as part of our daily practice of having a fulfilling partnership.
Six Ways to Apologize to your Partner:
- Gaining awareness of the emotions you experience about your own past hurt can help you feel empathy for your partner so you are better able to apologize. Ask yourself: why did I feel the need to act in a way that caused my partner pain?
- Take responsibility for your hurtful actions or words and any damage you caused. Saying something like “I am sorry I concealed the truth from you and that caused you pain” can be healing. One person’s ability to do this can change the dynamic of the relationship and help you recover and heal as a couple.
- Make it personal and use the words “I am sorry” and “I was wrong” when you apologize. Your apology will more likely be heard and accepted if you use these words. Be specific about exactly what you did to hurt, humiliate, or embarrass your partner. For example, “I’m sorry for hurting you and violating your trust. I was wrong when I embarrassed you in front of your brother and I am sorry for my unkind words.”
- Tell your partner how you plan to repair hurt feelings. For example, consider writing her or him a note and telling them your intentions to be more mindful of their feelings.
- Give an apology without making excuses or blaming your mate or anyone else. For instance, you might say “I’m sorry for getting so angry when you were late for dinner.” This is more effective than saying, “You promised to be home for dinner at 7pm you never keep your word.”
- Don’t let wounds fester.
Let go of grudges and hurt feelings. Processing what happened out loud in a calm and loving way will allow you to let resentments go so you can move on to a healthier relationship. Keep the big picture in mind.
Heartfelt apologies are an essential ingredient of a strong, healthy relationship. Accepting that you and your partner do the best you can, will help you be more understanding. When you acknowledge your flaws, it means that you can be vulnerable rather than allowing your fear of rejection or failure to overwhelm you or lead to a grievance story. A grievance story, a term coined by Dr. Fred Luskin, is a firmly held belief in someone’s wrongdoing that assigns blame to them.
There are many reasons why people have difficulty letting go of the past and reversing the painful consequences of holding a grudge or assigning blame to others. In his acclaimed book Forgive For Good, Dr. Fred Luskin points out that people may take on the pain of others’ mistakes because they take their offenses personally. He believes that individuals heal best when they react as if the injury happened to a close friend. He posits that when people create a grievance story which focuses on their suffering and assigns blame, their suffering is magnified.
The Beauty of Forgiveness
Keep in mind that apologizing and granting your partner forgiveness is not letting them off the hook. It doesn’t mean you approve of your partner’s actions. But by showing compassion toward them when you feel they’ve wronged you, you let go of your anger, bitterness, and resentment. In doing so, you give them less power over you.
By accepting your partner’s apology, you are letting him or her know your relationship matters and you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt. And, by asking for forgiveness, you show them that you’re aware when your actions or words have been hurtful and you’re able to be vulnerable enough to give a genuine apology.
The beauty of offering a sincere apology to your partner (and accepting their apology) is that you’re expressing your humanness and not letting your wounds poison your love for them. Rather than digging your heels in, you can learn to see a situation from your partner’s point of view. Over time, practicing forgiveness will strengthen your marriage or relationship and help you to move past resentment because you’re adopting the mindset of “we’re in this together.”
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This post is republished on Medium.
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