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We all have personal expectations and they are specific to us.
The older you get, the more expectations you have, as you combine the influences of your upbringing with your discovered likes and dislikes.
There is nothing wrong with having expectations. As an adult, you have the autonomy to go where your expectations are met and avoid where they are either not offered or are ignored.
But, we can also project our expectations onto others in the context of intimate relationships, friendships and even work environments. Even this, doesn’t have to be an issue if you communicate your expectations clearly.
What can creates challenges in your relationships is when you have unconscious expectations. And even though you’re not aware of them on a surface level, you’re still holding other people accountable for meeting them.
This can create resentment, both from the person holding the expectations and from the person expected to meet those impossible standards. This can lead to a breakdown in intimacy as one person ends up feeling disappointed and the other, feeling attacked.
To recognize your hidden expectations, look at where you repeatedly experience emotional turmoil or resentment in your life. Most likely, you’re upset because reality didn’t live up to expectations.
For example, say you texted your friend and assumed that he or she would immediately return your text. You become frustrated as more and more time passes. You had an expectation that your text would create an immediate reply. But, did you communicate to your friend that you needed a prompt response or did you assume they would know and respond accordingly?
The story you tell yourself about a situation is not always true.
What can further harm the relationship is what you tell yourself about why they are not meeting that expectation. You may tell yourself they are being inconsiderate or ignoring you because they are selfish.You can create a whole story in your mind, making them the villain for not meeting your unstated “response time” expectation.
When you do confront them, it is no longer about the text, but about their perceived flaws. This then puts them on the defensive. Naturally so, because they won’t feel like they have done anything wrong so don’t deem your concerns worthy of discussion.
The person may have been at work or been asleep. They may have meant to return your text and forgot, but they weren’t purposely trying to hurt your feelings or make you feel neglected.
Your hidden expectation has now turned what could have been a simple text exchange, into a full-blown breakdown which then triggered unhappy feelings in both of you.
The resentment felt was not really about the text or the inaction of the friend. It was about the inability to recognize your own expectations and communicate them effectively. Then holding the other person accountable for not meeting those unspoken expectations.
So, how do you handle hidden expectations?
First, gain awareness.
When you feel frustration, figure out why you’re angry. Is this person being inconsiderate or did you expect them to abide by a rule they may not be aware of?
Second, watch the story you’re telling yourself.
You have a choice. Think about their intentions. If they care about you, why would they intentionally try to inflict pain on you? Can you give them the benefit of the doubt?
Third, does this person need to meet your expectation for you to be happy?
What is the origin of this expectation? Did someone in your past demand you get back to them immediately or did they ignore your communication and now you feel anxiety when someone doesn’t respond? Do you start to feel unloved, unheard or unseen? Why do you feel the other person deserves your wrath for not meeting this expectation?
Finally, communicate.
Is it possible that you could be okay if this person responds in their own time just as long as they do respond? You need to decide if you can be okay if your expectation isn’t met.
Can you view their effort as a sign of respect and love towards you? If not, you will need to communicate your expectation and give the person the opportunity to decide if that is something they want to attempt to meet.
Before you interpret someone else’s behavior and decide that they aren’t doing something because they don’t respect or appreciate you, check within yourself first and find out if you have some hidden expectations. Once you’re clear, communicate that expectation. Give the person an opportunity to fully understand your needs instead of unconsciously testing them, which actually only sets them up to fail.
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This post has been republished to Medium.