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Nice guys get a bad rap. It’s unfair because nice guys do finish first in the land of lasting and fulfilling relationships that stand the test of time, trials, and tribulations.
James Bond, Agent 007, has it all: tough, fearless, calm, cool, sexy, in short, a man’s man and a babe magnet. Oh, wait. Not all. He doesn’t have a stable relationship with a forever partner. Hmm.
Bond can offer adventure, death-defying experiences, great sex, but he can’t promise to be home for dinner, remember anniversaries, be faithful, be a father, fix the leak, be there and be available — in good times and bad, offer emotional support, or share life in general. In short, he looks good in theory. In reality, he is unavailable on a day to day basis.
For women, he’s an irresistible, heart palpitating date. “I can’t believe he picked me!” A one-night stand, maybe two. Not the guy to settle down with or bring home to meet the parents. Not the guy to put his family first. No one wants to live with person who keeps secrets, doesn’t talk, bottles up feelings, walks away, and has zero investment in the relationship.
Across a crowded room, I look for a face that is at ease, enjoying the conversation he’s in, a propensity to smile, unforced, encouraging, a laugh that makes me want to hear it again.
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While passion is not to be discounted, as a woman, I say trust is far more important.
Across a crowded room, I look for a face that is at ease, enjoying the conversation he’s in, a propensity to smile, unforced, encouraging, a laugh that makes me want to hear it again. If he happens to be alone, then it takes a “hello,” to see his reaction. In other words, the first step in building trust — being open, honest and present.
I met my husband in the third floor game room, in the student union, at New York University, downtown. I wandered in my mistake and spied him playing pool, a game my father taught me. I didn’t know either man playing. I watched anyway. I liked his looks, smile, voice, manner, openness, fairness, humor, and confidence. I went home that night and told my mother that this was THE guy and I’d probably never see him again.
I was wrong. We ran into each other in the commissary the next day, his morning class happened to be in the same hallway as mine. On one of our first dates, we went to an isolated beach bordering a reservoir. As we talked, my fingers sifted the sand and brought a gold wedding band to the surface. Sometimes, things are just meant to be.
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Next, I check out the presentation. Yes, it is important that clothes are appropriate to the venue and hygiene is evident. What can I say? Unless there are special circumstances, if a guy can’t take care of himself, then it’ll be up to me. The second step in building trust is evident self-care.
Internet dating is always hit or miss. I meet a Paul Newman type online. We agreed to meet for lunch. I want to know whom I’m dealing with before investing any emotional energy. I get to the diner and walk past the bum on the bench. Oh, wait. It’s him. He had been working at the sawmill on his property, slicing boards for his son. He didn’t think it would matter if he didn’t clean up. Guess what. It did.
Conversation skills are important. I look for a mutual exchange that is both informative (just the facts) and revealing (emotional space), and evidence of active listening. Does he remember the references from the beginning of the conversation or look lost? Is he on his phone checking scores, racing results, FB posts, twitter updates? I don’t see my future as spending time with a guy staring into his phone or at a TV, ignoring me for electronic companionship. Alone is better. The third step in building trust — being present and available.
I don’t see my future as spending time with a guy staring into his phone or at a TV, ignoring me for electronic companionship. Alone is better. The third step in building trust — being present and available.
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Internet dating. He presented himself as an elegant gentleman from Connecticut. He arrived in a nice car, wearing a pullover sweater reeking of mothballs. We sit and talk before going out to lunch. I got to listen to his diatribe proving the existence of God. None of my interruptions stopped the flow of regurgitated information – mansplaining. At lunch, he treated the staff with disdain. Buh-Bye.
Follow-up is critical. Playing hard to get is not intriguing. It erodes honesty. “I’ll call you,” is not as effective as, “Let’s make a date to do something we both like.” This says, “I enjoyed your company. Let’s spend an afternoon together.” If the connection isn’t working, that will end it. If it is, more time together. The fourth step in building trust – no games.
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In general, when a woman accepts a relationship, she is gifting herself. She wants to trust that her partner appreciates her as an equal participant — a friend, a confidant, and lover. She wants to know that promises made are promises kept, and disagreements are over things and ideas not identity. The Fifth step in building trust — acceptance.
When I dated the man who became my husband, we talked about marriage. I asked him what he wanted to be, if we went forward. He said, “A good husband and father.” I knew then and there we were good to go.
Nice guys do finish first. The qualities of kindness, generosity, humor, honesty, sharing, respect, acceptance, fidelity, sensitivity, and awareness give you the long-haul advantage. Your qualities will weather storms, dance in the rain, and bask in the sunshine. Women know that. Don’t be afraid. Be yourself.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Sadly nice guys get treated poorly in today’s dating world. Nice guys also get treated rather poorly in marriage dissolution. We need to stop telling men to be nice guys…. men need to stand up for their own wants and needs instead of putting romantic partners first. To thine own self be true….