'I Am Getting Divorced.'

Divorce has become so prevalent, that quite often when someone announces their impending divorce it hardly ever causes much reaction.

However, it is no less painful for the unwanted party of the divorce.

During my separation and divorce, which at the time I really didn’t want, there were several things that people unknowingly said that contributed to the experience being more painful.

In no way do I blame them as they possibly didn’t consider the effect that their comments had on my already crushed emotional spirit. Even when the partner who is the initiator of the divorce, they can also experience emotional turbulence on occasions.

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Keeping this in mind, next time someone tells you they are getting divorced. Here are five things you shouldn’t say to them.

Good riddance — It’s about time.

We all have various thoughts about some of our family and friend’s partners, however, to seemingly suggest to them that they were indirectly waiting for the relationship to end is never a good response to someone who is faced with navigating all the changes that accompany a divorce.

Making such a comment can cause the person facing the impending divorce to question if you had ever wanted to see their relationship last and it could impact your relationship with them going forward as they may consider what type of wishes you may have generally about all their other endeavors!

Let’s celebrate

While in many cases the person who initiates the divorce is usually prepared for the changes to their lifestyle and all that comes with it. Suggesting a celebration unless recommended by one of the divorcing partners may seem insensitive to all the various changes divorce brings.

Divorce impacts where you live, your income and especially if children are involved, coping with adjusting to two separate households while maintaining co-parenting arrangements.

Divorce always brings an emotional cost whether admitted by a partner or not. Therefore, while you may want to support them and find ways to have them not stay curled up in bed for weeks on end, suggesting a celebration may not be best.

Who’s getting the property

One of the key aspects of a divorce, is the financial separation of the assets. When property is involved and it’s not an amicable divorce, the legal battles to determine who gets what can be overwhelming at times.

Asking one of the partners to share and consider these financial aspects can be stressful to all involved and leave one feeling overwhelmed with all the host of changes they must encounter in a relatively short space of time. A key one being the change in their financial status.

Was it another person?

Divorces occur for a myriad of reasons, not necessarily in all cases someone having another partner during the marriage.

In some cases, the person may not wish to share the reason for a divorce and one’s privacy should be respected and not persist in trying to identify the cause of the divorce, unless the person explicitly shares.

It would be wise to ask how you may support and not focus on knowing what happened.

This in no way helps the person who is experiencing the changes of a divorce and in many cases the breakup of the family unit, especially when children are involved.

Should I come over and tell him/her off?

As much as you may desire to lend support to that family member or friend, taking sides in a divorce only prolongs the challenges of such.

When persons get divorce, it is easy to blame the other partner, the reality is each person would have played a role in the demise of a relationship.

Focusing on what the other has done wrong and creating conflict situations in no way is helpful and should be avoided at all cost.

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Divorce will continue to occur and though we may never understand the reason for the separation of persons, our role is not to be judge, investigator or adjudicator.

What we can do is ask how we can help and respect and lend the support which the person request. Doing anything else beyond this can add to the pain — emotional and psychological of the divorce and cause one to stay in a stuck stage long after one of the former partners have moved on.

So the next time someone says they are getting divorced, if you can think of nothing else to say, simply say “I am here to support in whatever way you need” and resist the urge to inundate the person with questions or comments that though seemingly innocent can impact one’s emotional and psychological state.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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