Keep Confusing Red Flags With Excitement?! Watch This [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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hey everyone before we even get started
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I want to make sure you know that the
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final virtual Retreat of the year is
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happening from the 11th to the 13th of
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November this is going to be an
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extraordinary event of immersive
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coaching for three days with me live you
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can do it from anywhere in the world
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from the comfort of your home I really
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hope you join us and for those of you
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who think it’s just a love Life retreat
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it’s not a love Life retreat at all this
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is for anyone of any gender and any age
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who wants to take control of their life
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and their emotions to make the most of
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it so come join us by going to
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mhvirtualretreat.com and I’ll show you
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all about it there now on to the video
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do you ever feel like the people you get
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attracted to are always the bad boys or
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they’re always the projects the
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fixer-uppers the ones that either treat
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you badly or the ones that you end up
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coaching through their problems playing
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mentor and therapists too when a good
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guy comes along who’s actually figured
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out his stuff who doesn’t need you to
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fix him who doesn’t treat you poorly and
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oscillate in and out of your life when
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you find someone like that you think wow
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what a great guy
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I don’t want to sleep with him you ever
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feel like that isn’t that annoying the
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problem that so many people have
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is that what they actually get attracted
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to
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is what’s not good for them there’s the
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psychology behind all of this
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but then there’s just
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real life which is Matt I get it I get
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that there’s some psychology going on in
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my wiring that keeps making me go for
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bad people but the point remains I keep
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going for bad people so what do I do
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about that how do I rewire my brain so
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they so that I get attracted to this
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instead of this that’s what I want to
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talk about today can you make that which
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you do not find exciting
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exciting I believe that
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there are
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legitimate reasons or perhaps what can
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we say good reasons that you get
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attracted to these sort of bad boy types
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who always wreak havoc in your life and
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then there are the
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smoke and mirrors ways that you get
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attracted to those people and I want to
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differentiate between the two the
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legitimate ways might be that you know
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there’s they’re bold there is a kind of
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confidence about them that you find
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attractive they seem to know what they
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want in life there seems to be a natural
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Charisma that they have these are things
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that you’re not wrong for being
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attracted to and then there’s the kind
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of ways that we get attracted
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to people like that and that might be
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because they’re mysterious have you ever
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seen you know models male or female who
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just don’t ever really smile that much
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you know those celebrities in interviews
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that don’t really have a lot to say they
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just there’s this very the strong silent
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type who just say a couple of words you
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know like I never know what they’re
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thinking what are they thinking you know
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and who are they over there behind the
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scenes if that’s what you’re attracted
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to then you’re not attracted to that
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person you’re attracted to what you
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don’t know about them if you’re
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attracted to someone’s mystery you’re
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not attracted to them you’re attracted
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to their mystery because you know what
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to people who actually know them there’s
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no mystery it’s why we’ve increasingly
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when we see certain celebrities go on
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social media they just seem goofier and
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goofier the more they do it because you
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go oh you’ve seemed so much cooler when
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you were talking less mystery is a very
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dangerous thing to become attracted to
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because mystery is smoke and mirrors and
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then there’s I get attracted to these
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people because they’re you know sort of
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they they keep me on my toes what is it
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to be kept on our toes often we’re
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describing someone who who’s there one
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day and and giving us lots of attention
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and then disappears and when they
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disappear we feel this yearning for them
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not just because they’ve disappeared and
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you know absence makes the heart grow
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fonder but also because you think well
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if they’re scarce they must be valuable
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the person who’s not available must be
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valuable we think like that in life in
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general don’t we think about going into
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a shop and you think oh I like that
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jacket and then someone says it’s the
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last one you go give me that jacket
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immediately that jacket’s value goes
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through the roof when we think something
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is scarce we immediately put value on it
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whether it has value or not that jacket
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didn’t become any more valuable because
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it was the last one but psychologically
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it feels that way well when someone is
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making themselves very scarce in our
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life
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all of a sudden they feel valuable it
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has no bearing on their actual value
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which is the sad part isn’t it because
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someone is actually there for you
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someone who’s willing to show up for you
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and communicate well that’s valuable
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that’s actual value in your life but
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because it’s abundant you go yuck this
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is everywhere I don’t there’s
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Communications everywhere all the time I
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don’t need this it’s cheap this person’s
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never there
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diamonds that’s the difference so we
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have to be very very careful of that
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instinct because that has nothing to do
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with sexy qualities if the sexy quality
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is my emotions are all over the place
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that’s a problem Martin snow my boxing
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trainer once said to me you always have
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to question are you in love with their
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presence or are you in love with their
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absence now
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I want to talk about how we can start to
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actually make the people that are good
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for us
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more exciting to us firstly we should
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start to Value the right things more
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okay the right things are good
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communication someone who shows up for
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us someone who cares someone who’s
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thoughtful someone who listens to our
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needs and responds to them someone who
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acts with Integrity someone who respects
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us these are all good things by valuing
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those things more our life will get
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better and it may not feel all the time
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the same way if we’re addicted in our
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dating lives to the Spikes all the time
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then we’re going to be very disappointed
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when we get into a healthy long-term
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relationship we just are because it’s
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not the same thing if you are used to
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eating pizza all the time and suddenly
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you start eating healthy it’s not gonna
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taste the same but what happens when we
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start eating healthy is we we start to
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train ourselves to want a different
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feeling to value a different feeling
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when I eat healthy I feel better I don’t
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get the spikes I don’t get all those
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Highs but I also don’t get the lows I
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actually feel better and when I feel
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better I’m able to enjoy life more so I
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enjoy this new lifestyle not because it
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tastes the same as pizza but because I
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actually over the long term it feels
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better than pizza certain people might
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give us these crazy spikes but there are
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other people who just make us feel
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better and if we value feeling better
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over the spikes we will start to go for
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a different kind of person but if like
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me you really like pizza do you have to
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just say I’m gonna settle for this nice
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boring person and have a better life and
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a more peaceful life or can you actually
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say I can find a good person
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who sometimes is still Pizza I have
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three things I want to say about this
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number one
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stay curious about who the good people
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actually are because they may be good
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they may have character they may have
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integrity they may have all of the
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markers of a great human being but they
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will also have ways that they surprise
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you in sexy ways with their strength
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with their Charisma that doesn’t
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announce itself so loudly at first but
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is actually there they may be people who
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are wild in bed and you don’t even know
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about it they may be people who are
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strong in ways you’ve never experienced
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before because that you’ve been
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experiencing all of this fake strength
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from people who are the bad boy but
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actually this is someone who’s genuinely
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suffered or been through things in their
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life and is a a mind Jedi at what
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they’re able to do in life and what
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they’re able to deal with and what
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they’re able to create and that is
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incredibly sexy to you once you get to
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know that side of them people are very
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surprising and I think that in our own
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arrogance at so narrowly defining what
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sexy has been to us in the past and
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therefore thinking that that’s just what
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sexy is we have neglected all of these
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other more interesting people who are
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just as sexy but outside our version of
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sexy and therefore they are just not
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known to us number two we have to give
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people road maps about how to turn us on
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there will be things you know about
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yourself that you find a turn on
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communicate those to the person you’re
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with if you’ve got a good person you
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have good conversation you have a great
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time with them and and you think they’re
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wonderful help them by communicating
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what turns you want what if they did it
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would be a massive turn on to you and
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that doesn’t just have to be a proactive
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thing it can be a reactive thing if that
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person does something and you’re like oh
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wow that tonight they wore a shirt that
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kind of got me going a little bit that’s
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when men wear those kinds of shirts that
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does something to me if you know that
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about yourself and he wore one of those
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shirts tonight point that out say that
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shirt you you look damn good in that
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shirt that’s like
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think good job tonight because when you
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let them know what you’re doing is
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you’re saying remember this is a this is
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a way to turn me on you can use this
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again in the future and you could do
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that with things people say you could do
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it with things they wear you could do it
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with ways they behave what this means is
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graduating from what is a very kind of
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naive and juvenile view on attraction
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which is that someone is supposed to
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just get me you’re supposed to know all
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of the things that turn me on and just
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do those naturally it gets out of that
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and it says no no I can actually Empower
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someone to turn me on especially if it’s
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the right kind of person it’s the kind
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of person I want in my life I can
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actually Empower them to Turn Me On by
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the clues I give them as to what my
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buttons are number three
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give someone a long enough leash to be
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dangerous now let me explain this when
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we are insecure when we are craving
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safety we tend to start trying to
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control someone we want to round their
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edges we want to make them conform to
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the things we need in order to feel safe
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text me all the time be with me all the
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time do all the things I say that I want
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you to do don’t go there don’t wear that
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don’t be with those people and when
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someone actually does all those things
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and we get this ultimate feeling of
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safety we get bored so we actually
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become responsible for our own boredom
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through our demands the irony is that
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the person who’s the bad boy is someone
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who doesn’t respond well to that stuff
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who doesn’t care about your needs is
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selfish So when you say I want this I
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want that I want you to do this they
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don’t do it and so they never have their
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edges rounded and therefore they remain
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this thing that’s just Out Of Reach and
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we keep reaching for that safety and
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keep reaching for it and investing more
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and investing more and when they give us
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even the smallest hit of safety we
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suddenly feel blissfully happy and we go
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God I must be so into this person but
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actually what we’re in is this toxic
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cycle of searching for safety and not
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being given it meanwhile the people that
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give us safety the people that actually
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take up face value all the things we say
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we want them to do we get bored of and
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we let go of we have to not round
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someone’s edges if we know that rounding
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their edges is going to make us feel
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bored we have to be prepared to live a
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little more dangerously you want to go
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out with your friends and that gives me
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a bit of a feeling of oh where are you
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going to go are you going to be talking
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to someone else are you gonna
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encourage it men your your woman wants
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to wear something and it gives you a
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little bit of a feeling of people are
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going to be looking at her and oh that’s
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going to introduce an element of
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competition encourage it because
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actually not having that feeling at all
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might be the kind of safety that leads
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you to taking this person for granted
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don’t punish people who make you feel
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safe
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by being bored with them instead
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encourage those people in small ways
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to still breathe just enough Danger
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and mystery into the situation that
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allows you to still feel that desire
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that you want to feel in a safe way now
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look this stuff is deep stuff even
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though we’re talking practically what
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we’re really getting at is the patterns
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in our life that consistently lead to
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pain and unhappiness and loneliness and
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suffering and how we can rewire those
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patterns so that we can start actually
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moving towards things that will make us
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incredibly happy without sacrificing the
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fun the joy the excitement that we’re
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looking for in our lives we’re talking
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about establishing really powerful
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healthy confident patterns and many
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people just never learned those things
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they didn’t learn them growing up
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because they had a really bad model that
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they were basing their life on they
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didn’t learn them in adulthood because
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they’ve been repeating the same mistakes
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for a long time and they don’t have the
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tools to actually make a change even if
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they know that they want to this is why
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I design find the virtual Retreat a
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three-day immersive coaching experience
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to help people build new healthy
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patterns that transform their quality of
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life now and in the future I hope that
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if you haven’t checked it out already
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you will use this video and this message
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right now as the impetus to come and
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find out more and you can learn all
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about this program at
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mhvirtualretreat.com the next one and
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the final one of the year is happening
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from the 11th to the 13th of November
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come join us before the year is up and
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set up a powerful New Year for yourself
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I’ll see you over there thanks for
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watching

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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