It’s such a common theme, it’s become a broken record: they break up, they get back together, they break up, they get back together…and on and on it goes. Have you ever heard the quote “An ex that wants to get back together is someone who tried to do better, but couldn’t, so they’re settling for you.” Often this is the case, we break up with someone and venture into the wild on our own, but get scared or lonely and retreat right back to our ex because we miss them, and also because they’re safe. Of course you’re going to miss that person, or at least parts of them, and the feeling of being loved and having someone in your corner to support you no matter what. You had a relationship with this person and have so many countless memories located in special places inside your mind and heart, as well as the reminder of how that person once made you feel is still fresh. This is where we have to find a way to use the rational part of our brain to gain perspective on the situation and actually make a clear decision if we’re better off without this person. Besides, you broke up for a reason didn’t you?
You see…getting back with an ex is always going to be the safe play. It’s because it resists change. Breakups are scary because we feel the wave of change crashing over us like a tidal wave. As well as the loss, because we had someone and now we don’t. The reality that this person is never going to mean to us what they once did is a difficult thing for us to deal with. Our initial reaction in this situation is to get this person back. We want to do whatever we can to replenish that feeling the relationship gave us during the good times. We have become strung-out addicts who have just been cut off from their last supply.
So what do we do? Well this is where most people try and crawl back to their exes. This sometimes means admitting to faults they never feel they committed, or ignoring hard truths about your relationship and compatibility. We don’t deal with the real, logical problems that caused us to break up in the first place, but rather we get back together to suffice the emotional loss. This is why so often couples will keep breaking up and getting back together for the same reasons, because they never fixed the problems in the first place.
This is where you have to fight against your emotions and resist the temptation to get back together. Getting back together is just a short-term emotional solution, when you’re in a situation that you need to look be looking at long-term life improvements. You and this person broke up because it wasn’t working. You were fighting all the time, you weren’t meant to be with each other for the long-term, or your relationship was actually taking away from your life, instead of propelling your life forward. So you have to look beyond the initial pain you’re feeling and think about the long-term gains you will get from the breakup and getting through this period. Any decision that you make immediately after a breakup is going to be an emotional decision. It’s going to cloud your healing process, as well as dig your wounds even deeper. This means that you have to do everything you can do to get a clean break from this person. Completely eradicate them from your life so you can step forward without falling backwards. Regardless if you do one day get back together with this person, you need to give yourself more than a couple of weeks to try things out. So often couples get back together a mere few weeks after they break up because they suddenly freak out when that person isn’t there for them, or the fear of losing them for good to someone else consumes them. They cave in at the first sign of difficulty and cowardly follow their emotions right back to the person that broke them in the first place. In love you want to follow your heart, but there comes a point when your head has to enter the picture to make sure you don’t make quick and foolish decisions. A breakup is one of those situations. We have to force ourselves to think rationally, at least the best we can. We have to full encompass our rational mind around the breakup and why it happened. If we do that, we may come across a lot more answers, and more closure, than if we only listened to the gaping hole inside our hearts.
You have to trust that one day the pain won’t be so acute, you will feel strong in your own skin, you will once again be investing yourself in the things you love doing, your relationship with yourself with be a very positive and proactive one, and you’ll look back on the relationship with complete assurance that you’re better off without it. You will smile when your mind draws back to the relationship because you will remember how happy it once made you and all the lessons that your time with that person gave you are going to make you grateful because it made you the strong person you are today. But you were a different person in that relationship. And as much as you still have fond memories and some sadness when you bring yourself back to that moment in time, you have no desire to go back there. You have accepted change, and accepted the truth, that your life is better off without this person.
Before you even think about getting back together with an ex, first ask yourself the question, “Do I actually miss them? Or am I just lonely?”
Jamie Rea is a Canadian Dating, Relationship and Life Coach, Award-Winning Screenwriter & Filmmaker, and Comedy Writer & Creator. He has written about relationships for various digital publications across Canada, the U.S., and the U.K., including Made Man, Mode Media, TheTalko, and Elite Daily. On top of his regular writing duties, Jamie coaches both men and women in professional coaching capacities, helping them to unlock their potential and find the great love they desire. He also Co-Founded the Legendary Love Academy with his partner, an online school for all the relationship education you need but didn't receive, and serves as Co-Host with his partner of their Podcast, The Power Couple Podcast. In addition, Jamie is also a Performer, Screenwriter, Filmmaker and Comedian, and is regularly generating his own film and video content for the online space and the film industry.
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