There are few things that drain the passion and trust out of a relationship faster than feeling that you’re being taken for granted, or even worse that you’ve become invisible. When couples have been together for a while, no matter they love each other, those lovely compliments and appreciations that used to fly back and forth regularly in the hormonally-infused early days start to become rarer as the unfortunate human tendency of getting ‘used to’ something kicks in.
After six month or so, most changes in our lives – whether it’s buying a new car or starting a new job – start to feel ‘normal’, however much they might have seemed like they’d be the answer to our dreams of happiness. And our habit of becoming dissatisfied with what we’ve got is what our ever expanding consumer-driven economy pumped up – even though our love of new stuff is seemingly taking us rapidly to some kind of environmental crisis in the not too distant. But that’s a different story; the point here is that in a healthy relationship, both partners continue to grow and change over time, so it can potentially be an endlessly fascinating journey with someone that becomes more interesting over time.
At the same time for many men, being intimate with somebody is an extraordinarily trusting and vulnerable thing to do. We often have some anxieties there which are like a backdrop to all the pleasures of being together – and which we generally keep hidden because they don’t fit our idea of how a man is supposed to be. For me, my main secret worry is that I’m not interesting enough, or really worthy of love. I know these feelings stem from being raised by parents who seemed to fnd it hard to show appreciation and affection, and they’re so deeply embedded they’re hard to let go of. The sad legacy of this lack of validation at a formative age, is my sneaking suspicion that although I may have fooled someone into loving me for a while, sooner or later I’m going to be found out and the hidden reality of my essential crapness will be laid bare; and then of course I’ll be abandoned.
A lot of the time I can successfully bury or ignore these kinds of feelings. And it has been difficult for me to admit them to my wife; it all feels a bit weak and pathetic, and also kind of insulting to her, because it suggests that she would waste her time with the kind of loser I’m apparently afraid at some level that I might be. I prefer her to see me as someone who is confident and competent – which in any ways I know she does, but at the same time I still sometimes can’t quite believe it.
But I’ve found a simple way to put an to all these worries; and for me it also acts like a love-boost that can turbo-charge my relationship. It’s all about reassurance; I need her to remind me on a fairly regular basis about some of the things she likes/admires/appreciates about me. All it takes is a couple of words of affirmation from her – as long as they’re said sincerely, and not just because she thinks it’s something I want to hear – and I feel ready for anything. And of course I’m more than happy to offer the same in return because – guess what! – my wife also has some background fears rooted in her own painful experiences.
In the past, if I wasn’t getting enough reassurance from her, I felt reluctant to request it. I had the idea that if I had to ask for something, it wouldn’t be sincere or meaningful, because it wasn’t spontaneous. Along with that I didn’t want to imply that there was something ‘wrong’ with our relationship, because if everything was alright wouldn’t need reassuring. But most of us are walking around with emotional baggage from the past that holds us back. The only way I can start to put mine down and leave it behind is to admit it’s existence to myself, and to the person that cares about me. If I try to keep it hidden it will always some kind of hold over me.
It feels good to be regularly reassured that my wife values my competences and my life goals – not to mention my skills as a lover! I also like to know that I’m trusted, and if I seem to have said or done something hurtful, she knows it was because of ignorance or thoughtlessness, not because I don’t care. By being upfront about my vulnerabilities as well as my strengths, I feel more secure in myself, and I know that my wife sees my willingness to do this with her as a kind of strength that helps her to trust me more, as well as feel loved by me.
One of the best parts about being in a close and caring relationship is that there is someone in our lives who we think very highly of, who knows everything about us and is ready and able to enthusiastically confirm that they feel the same way about us. Remembering to regularly reassure each other about what we like and admire, even about the parts of ourselves that we might imagine we’d feel completely secure about, makes it easier for my wife and I to risk being fearlessly naked together– literally as well as figuratively – and that makes all sorts of things magically better!
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
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