“The Bookend” — An Easy Metric To Know if Your Relationship Is a Keeper

“I knew I shouldn’t have picked up the phone but I just couldn’t walk away. I didn’t sleep at all last night,” my friend Sierra looked at me with bloodshot eyes.

Sierra was embroiled in a passionate relationship that dominated her life. When things were good, they were really good. When things were bad, well..they were really bad. The amazing highs always carried her through the incredible lows and it made it hard for her to walk away. Plus, her heart wanted him. Bad. Surely, her heart was the most important thing to listen to, right?

The problem was that there were powerful reasons to stay. Sierra and Brad shared a very similar upbringing and family dysfunction. She felt that Brad was one of the few people in the world who could really relate and with whom she could fully show up as herself. They had a rare connection. It’s true, I had seen it when they were around each other.

“The sex is amazing! I’ve never felt so much like someone was my soulmate. He motivates me to try so much harder in rock climbing. I feel the most alive when I’m with him,” she gushed.

I nodded. For the large part, they were very compatible. It is true that many things in their relationship were really hard to find — the ability to show up so fully as herself, the rare emotional and sexual chemistry, the way he motivated her to try harder in life, and their mutual desire for a unique lifestyle.

Then there were the bad parts. Brad’s father had committed suicide when he was a young child. As a result of this, he struggled with intimacy and abandonment issues. It manifested as a complete lack of emotional control, with wild swings between positive and negative emotions.

His rollercoaster emotions permeated every part of his relationship with Sierra. He would be incredibly vulnerable and loving one moment and almost immediately pull away — afraid that he would get too attached and she would leave him. He could also be incredibly jealous of other men in her life while simultaneously flaunting the fact that other women were flirting with him.

“I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried walking away and it’s just too hard,” she bemoaned. Hence, the inability to resist picking up the phone at midnight when he randomly called even though she knew that the likelihood of her feeling bad was just as high as the chance of her feeling good at the end of that call.

Why some relationships can confuse us so much

In almost every other way, Sierra was someone who had her life together. She was a professor in a prestigious university, had strong friendships, good financials, and was emotionally articulate. So, her inability to think rationally and come up with a clear decision for Brad frustrated and confused her.

If Sierra understood neurochemistry a bit more, she would realize that Brad was so addictive because he was activating her dopamine system. When things were good, he flooded her brain with dopamine and serotonin. His inconsistent behavior left her never knowing when she would get her “reward” and always wanting more.

She was like a gambler at a slot machine waiting for the next reward to hit. When you could get $500 at any moment at the push of a button, it’s hard to stop. “I’m just going to see what happens one more time,” becomes your mantra.

The more savvy of my readers would also realize that part of the strong connection that Sierra shared with Brad is because they have shared traumas. When you find someone who has the same traumas as you, it can activate a lot of strong emotions and feelings of connection.

Sierra realized that she had a problem when she would lie about seeing Brad to the people in her life. If you’re doing this too, then this is a sign that you need to use the Bookend metric to see if you should keep this relationship.

The “Bookend” Metric and why it works

I named the metric the “Bookend” because like a bookend, it clearly defines the start and end of something. In this instance — your day. The metric is simple. It simply states that you should be with someone you feel good about at the beginning and end of every day. Here’s why it is so effective:

The hardest thing about thinking clearly about a decision is two-fold. First, it’s hard to overcome your physiology when you’re being bombed with a bunch of feel-good hormones like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. Second, your brain always tries to rationalize a situation so you end up getting what you want.

Fortunately for you, both these systems take a break when you are sleeping. So, as any productivity guru will tell you — your mind is the clearest when you first wake up in the morning.

This brings us to the first principle of our “Bookend” — Be with someone you feel good about first thing in the morning every day.

This is when your mind is the quietest and your subconscious is the strongest. Note that I said “feel good” and not “want.” If you wake up in the morning and desperately want this person but that desire is immediately followed by a pit of despair in your stomach about all the things that aren’t working, then this person has failed the first part of the Bookend metric.

When Sierra applied this metric, she realized that though there were a lot of fun times during the day, she woke up sad a lot of mornings because there was so much volatility in the relationship and she never felt emotionally safe.

Part two of the bookend metric involves the opposite part of your day and is this — be with someone who makes you feel good when you fall asleep every day.

This works for a different reason. A day provides many opportunities for arguments and friction between two people to arise. But it also provides a lot of time for two people to talk through it and work it out. If you are able to consistently feel good about the relationship at the end of every day, it means that you and this person have the ability and intention to communicate and resolve issues together.

The second part of this metric also allows for the fact that suffering and obstacles are a normal part of a relationship. Your partner may develop a life-threatening disease, be going through a major depression, or even just have a really bad day. But if you can go to bed knowing that the person you are with is kind, loving, and a wonderful human being outside of these extenuating circumstances, then you can be happy that they are still in your life.

When Sierra applied this metric, she realized that Brad rarely wanted to work things out or talk. He also hated any kind of therapy or counseling to help give them better tools to communicate.

Takeaway

The reason the Bookend metric is so effective is that it allows you to listen to your gut (“Does this person make me feel good in a healthy way?”) and also to your brain (“Do we have the skills and desire to work through things together?”).

More importantly, it also gives you a consistent way to assess how you are actually experiencing the relationship on a daily basis. Just like sugar and alcohol, there are people that can make you feel good in the moment, but are damaging to you in the long run. If there are more bad days than good, then you know it’s probably time to walk away.

So, if you’re feeling stuck and confused in your current relationship, stop expending endless amounts of mental and emotional energy creating pros and cons lists. Use the Bookend metric instead. It’s the easiest way to tune out the noise and to understand what will make you feel good now and in the future.

‘The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.’ — Bob Marley

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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