A guy wonders if he should break it up or suck it up.
This post originally appeared at She Said He Said.
Dear Sexes: I recently fell profoundly in love with a woman I was working with on a short term project. She is everything I want in a woman—spontaneous, romantic, intelligent, sexy, artistic, warm, funny, kind but assertive, and has an ass that should be bronzed by Donatello. And I genuinely believe the attraction is mutual, though stronger on my side.
Only one problem: she has a boyfriend. Not sure how long, seems about the one-year mark. They don’t live together, and I don’t hear an excessive amount of gushing. I sense she is interested, but it would require her discarding a relationship that has no major problems (as far as I can tell).
The question is: how to proceed with the delicate matter of declaring your feelings for someone who is not currently available without scaring them off? Women say all their lives how they want a man to fall madly in love with them and try to sweep them off their feet, but I’ve seen it stress them out and make them run in the opposite direction a lot, too. Do I patiently wait on the sidelines? Plunge in? Shop elsewhere and I can find this kind of magic again?
She Said: There’s something magical about an unavailable girl (or boy), isn’t there? She’s always perfect, she’s always pretty, always funny and kind and compassionate and understanding. She never seems bitter, selfish, unforgiving or cruel.
Why is that?
It’s not because she never is any of those things—-everyone is from time to time—-it’s simply because she has another place to dump all that ugliness: her boyfriend. She gets to give you her best, and to see that best reflected back at her in you.
But all that awesome connection is built upon a shaky foundation. You owe it to yourself and this girl with the perfect ass to start your potential love in an honest and uncomplicated way, someday, when she’s single. That will allow the two of you to build something solid, from the ground up, should you get the chance.
If you feel you must tell her, think through the possible problems you could cause for one or both of you at work. Things may never be the same for you after that. Better yet, send her a letter (to her office, not her house!) with your confession of love contained inside. If she doesn’t return the affections, she can just pretend she never received it. No one trusts the USPS anyway.
He Said: No gushing? Check your sound-waves! Your ears hear what they want to hear, because your heart feels what it feels, and there’s no stopping it. The problem is, that’s probably the wisest thing to do—-stop yourself!
If you care only about yourself, then tell this woman how you feel, don’t worry about the repercussions it may have on her current relationship, and hopefully things will work out between the two of you (if she decides she feels the same as you). And try not to get run over by the karma train while you’re at it!
But if you really do care about this girl, you should respect her relationship (and the boundaries it presents) and keep your feelings to yourself (for now). If she’s truly unhappy, her relationship will most likely fizzle out or run its course. It’s not your job to help her in that process.
This woman might be a wonderful person, with all your favorite traits, including a sweet ass. But she can’t give her whole self to you, if she’s involved with someone else. Be friends for now, and nurture that aspect of your connection. And I suggest you go on some fishing excursions of your own, because you need to work on your patience. Love is all in the timing, and right now is not the time (for this particular love).
Or… you can profess your love to her, see her dump her boyfriend (for the wrong reasons—-an emotional reaction to your words), go surprise her in, say, oh I don’t know, North Carolina, have a best-ever “honeymoon” time with each other for a short period, and then watch as the whole thing blows up in your face (in the worst possible way) in the not-too-distant future. Of course, I’m just speaking hypothetically.