Think Carefully: Doing It for Your Partner or You?

As your relationship matures, you and your partner cannot escape the challenges and obstacles that come with being together — and I don’t mean delegating the lead operator for bin duties, or the toilet roll inventory manager. If you want your relationship to have a future, you can no longer live selfishly and must consider what sacrifices are necessary for its continuation. Both sides do.

But a decision doesn’t have to be for you, or them, entirely. It isn’t a binary fork-road dilemma. And it should never be. Here’s why.

‘I did this for you’

Right away, encapsulating a decision we make in the short phrase ‘I did this for you’ brings a lot of baggage. Whilst it is important for those involved to recognise the sacrifices one has made, this particular phrase almost always has a follow-up statement. Like two peas in a pod, or surgical masks and foggy eye-glasses, ‘I did this for you’ usually ends with something like ‘so you should do this’.

A loving relationship is not a business exchange whereby tasks can, or should, be audited. A personal question I am contemplating on is moving abroad. Given the nature of my partner’s work, and the social network she has established, me moving to another continent to join her seems to be the most likely way to solve our long-distance concern.

But for me to label this decision, where I am essentially risking my career projection and leaving family behind, as something solely for her, places unnecessary and overwhelming pressure onto my partner. The relationship then has an element of guilt, and with it, emotional instability as she may feel responsible for making sure I am okay now that I have left everything behind for her.

I don’t see myself like this, either. I want to embrace the new challenges of settling in a new culture, and to carve a new route from what would have been a pretty predictable and mundane lifestyle at home.

I did this for Me?

The fundamental point we need to remember when making a big relationship decision is not necessarily the act itself, but the reason behind it.

A big change can bring a lot of insecurity to a person, especially when you’re in your early 20s. What if it doesn’t work out? You have so much going for you, is it really worth dropping it all for another person?

A natural defense mechanism may be to say ‘I’m doing this for me’.

I left that job because I discovered money isn’t everything.

Moving abroad is something I always wanted, it has nothing to do with my partner.

In the pursuit of portraying a strong self, you tell others, or yourself, that the move has to do with personal reasons. That way, you don’t come across as weak and easily malleable by others.

But this is all a joke. You’re clearly making the big decision due to the relationship so don’t discredit how influential it is to you.

Of course, I have always wanted to move abroad and experience a new environment. But I wouldn’t have done so if it wasn’t for the relationship. I am proud of what my partner and I have created, each day nurturing the bond we share.

If no one else, it is your partner who you should be able to confine to with your purest of feelings. The decision to move isn’t entirely because of her, but I wouldn’t have felt the motivation to do so on my own.

I did this for Us

Each vine has its own life, but it is when two intertwine and form something new which becomes strong and beautiful.

The thing I love is what we have when we come together. The ability for us to maintain our individualities yet adjust according to each other’s existence. Whatever we were before, we are certainly better, happier, together.

As we continue to learn who we are as individuals, set new missions and objectives, we contribute a little more to our relationship. At times, my work commitments increase and I have less time to do things for us. That’s when she puts in a little more effort to balance things. And when things get hectic for her, I step up.

When you frame the focus around the relationship, both your efforts are placed into a collective and shared project. Because that’s what a relationship really is, a never-ending project that requires your attention throughout. There isn’t a cut-off point where you put in the work in the first 20 years, and when the kids have grown up, you can let off the gas.

The commitment is that you seek to improve each other’s lives so long as you remain together. Leaving my job for something bigger is not for us as individuals, but for Us as one.

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For any major obstacle in a relationship, a decision needs to be made for the relationship itself that you value. You act for the improvement of what you two have built together. That way, there is no resentment or ill-feelings when a sacrifice has to be made from one side.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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