BPD could be the elephant in the room that no one understands how to identify, which can make you like you are losing your mind, like you’re being put in a blender on a daily basis. Here are a couple of ways you can identify if your partner might be suffering from BPD.
The first guidepost is if every day they have a new demand from you. It might be a demand on your time, your energy, even your thoughts—anything that happens to do with you because remember, you are the problem, right? And you may want to do what they ask to make them happy and to hopefully have a successful relationship. Does it work? Maybe for a short while, but then they have another demand.
The next guidepost is that sex is a currency. Sex becomes this amazing currency where they can get whatever they want. Sex becomes a commodity, and often the sex is pretty good. But even if the sex is amazing, the problem is you’re trying to find a connection with your partner and when you’re actually having sex you feel as though you are connecting. This can make sex even more addictive because it’s when you feel like you’re loved even though it isn’t really the connection you are looking for.
The third guidepost is that they often act as though they’re holding all the cards. They’re in charge and you have to listen to whatever they want. It’s funny because when you don’t have BPD and you’re with someone with BPD, you look at them and you start to brainwash yourself into thinking that what they are saying or doing is correct and that they do hold all the cards. But to some degree they are in control because deep down you know the relationship isn’t working out but you’re still holding on.
Another guidepost is when they demand that you separate yourself from other people in your life. They may tell you that your parents or friends are bad people, and they can’t talk to them. They may complain that your child makes them edgy and they can’t be around your child anymore. Then they tell you that you have to tell your parents not to come over, or tell your child to stay away from them. You know that’s not what you want to do, but you still want to try to please them.
Last but not least, realize if they aren’t willing to get help or even recognize that they have a problem, you can’t help them. Often times we want to be the savior and to save someone from hurting or hitting rock bottom. But you can’t save someone when you’re drowning. You can love them, but is that love really requited? You have to love yourself enough to save yourself first. You have to understand that you wouldn’t accept that kind of behavior from someone if you really loved you. If you really love yourself you may have to love them from a distance and realize that it’s OK to have to cut ties if it’s in order to help yourself when the other person refuses to get help.
To learn more about dealing with people suffering from BPD watch the video below and begin to live your true life today.
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Photo: Getty Images
I read this article and tears comes out from my eyes.
Every word is exactly true!!
My partner has bpd. And my life is a nightmare !
We got married 12 years ago. One child .
And yes I feel trapped.
When I tell him that I can’t no more and I’m intend to leave cause he don’t want to get help,
He become very scary . Like monster.
My son is afraid of him.
EVERY night we pray for a mira miracle.
This is untrue is so many ways. You make everyone that has BPD sound unaproachable and unable to love or be loved. I have been with my partner for 5 years, he has BPD, I don’t. He is the most amazing person I’ve ever been with. Please do not make people with BPD out to be some mad person who should be avoided. I recommend that you research the condition fully before voicing your opinions in this horrible mannor. Chances are you probably have someone with this illness in your family or within your group of friends as it often… Read more »
I have to disagree with you on this, with have someone in our lives with bpd and she is making our lives a living nightmare, im glad its working out for you, but our world is upside down because of this person and we know all about bpd we have lived with it for 25 years
Well is this person getting proper help? A healthy support group? Remember, there is a reason for this person having BPD. Please don’t be so quick to act like they are the problem.
Thank you!
I HAVE BPD, and all this article is doing is adding to stigma. If you’re going to be a bitch about a mental illness, don’t do it to mine. Cow.
I agree Kerri. I do not have BPD but my partner does, we have been together 5 years . This woman is completely uneducated regarding this illness.
Thank you!
Exactly!
As someone who lives with BPD and works on bettering myself on a regular basis, this article is incredibly insulting, ignorant, and really… just wrong. I love how you write about people with BPD as if they’re psychopaths to stear clear of. Individuals with BPD are fully capable of having loving, stable relationships and definitely capable of considering their partner’s needs. While emotional dysregulation might be a flagship symptom of BPD, it doesn’t mean every person reacts by screaming, crying, or acting like a straight up psychopath on a regular basis. This article is so one-sided and writes off anyone… Read more »
Well said and agreed! My partner is amazing!
Absolutely agreed! Thank you!
This is a helpful article but I dont think its 100% accurate and there is a lot which is left out…I was in a relationship with someone for 5 years who had BPD and I found it was characterized by the following symptoms: 1. Extreme mood swings. You never know who you will be coming home too, the lovely man you fell in love with, the raging monster who screamed at you for 1 hour the night before or the depressed loner who doesn’t want to talk to you. 2. Extreme outbursts of anger. Says it all really… 3. Complete… Read more »
Ashley
Is this article written based on the most recent reseach knowledge of BPD?
Where are links ?
Actually the behaviors listed above, while toxic if part of a pattern, are not traits specific to Borderline Personality Disorder or any personality disorder at all as defined by the DSM. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201112/borderline-personality-disorder-big-changes-in-the-dsm-5) Although a slightly older, this article from PsychCentral gives a more accurate overview of BPD. https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/11/09/borderline-personality-disorder-facts-vs-myths/ Keep in mind that all mental health issues are on a spectrum and many people are on the mild end of the spectrum with only a few traits. Of all the so-called Cluster B (an older term) disorders, BPD is the only one that can be fully healed. Zen meditation and DBT,… Read more »
Thank you. One thing people with BPD tend to do, is be their own worst critiques. Articles like the one above are part of the problem, they act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, not the solution to healing. BPD can be fully healed, and it takes strength, friendship, love and commitment. This article has none of that.
Thank you.
sorry but i am a bpd sufferer and bpd cannot be cured it can be managed and that is what dbt does is help you manage your illness i have tried dbt a number of times and it has not help me one bit and medication just does not work or makes you worse so i am sorry but it is not curable but manageable to an extent
Bpd – The trauma that creates BPD is on a spectrum meaning like anything else severe forms are more difficult and time consuming to treat. I think you are to be commended for sticking to the decision to heal no matter how slowly. The scientific research shows that BPD is healed as well as managed. There is no medication that has been shown to heal BPD, or PTSD or depression for example, but it can help manage symptoms. Kind of like cold medicine doesn’t cure the cold – it just makes it somewhat more bearable. You might want to try… Read more »
Sounds like she had one negative experience with someone with BPD and decided that’s how every person with the disorder is. This is clearly not research based, unless she actually had a long term relationship with like 5 people with BPD to learn about it, which I highly doubt. Do your research before you label an entire subgroup of people. This is reckless journalism.
It’s more along the lines of click bait. The writer isn’t a journalist, she is promoting herself. However, if the editors lack familiarity with a subject they can be occasionally oblivious. It’s why I spoke up.
Nevermind is correct that this disorder, which is really a highly traumatized individual, is often also NPD. Narcissists rarely change, but as noted research shows that if the person with BPD becomes aware they can change.
However, anyone who is only in a relationship for what they can get out of it that’s manipulative. You can only heal yourself in this life.
Yes! Thank you!