Fresh off of a rejection two months ago, I’m no stranger to the pressure of pursuing somebody that I perceived to be better than me. She was wealthier, better looking, and more popular. This made me extremely coy and apologetic in front of her — killing even the only faint of chance I had.
How can you attract someone you’re intimidated by? You can’t. Unless you genuinely feel you belong on their level, neither your chance of success nor the relationship’s quality will be high.
Instead of trying to measure up, work on your insecurities
The natural tendency to close the gap between you and your partner is to compensate. They dress better than you? Go to the mall and swipe your card for a wardrobe upgrade. This catch-up game could be beneficial in the long run if you commit to improving yourself overall. But in the short term, you’re affirming the fact that you lack something to deserve the other person.
Instead of improving your circumstances for the immediate future, work on your mindset.
In comparing yourself to them, you bring a sense of competitiveness to the relationship. When I first met my ex, she wanted to beat me in everything. Her goal was to prove to me she was good enough for me. I couldn’t stand losing to her in a game of billiards or bowling to a lesser degree because I fear her losing respect for me, and me ultimately losing power in the relationship.
Instead of pushing each other, they became unhealthy competitions. And underneath it all is just fear of losing your partner to someone you believe deserves them more than you do. And this is exactly the belief that needs to be corrected.
I put the girl who rejected me on a pedestal. Everything about her was perfect. Even her imperfections were irresistible. I was a oxytocin victim, a chemical that puts ‘Rose-Colored Glasses’ on the person we like. It wasn’t until after clearing my head that I started to see just how ordinary and scared she was. At the moment, though, I was blind.
Knowing this, you can step back and assess your value in relation to theirs. Just maybe, they aren’t as perfect as you thought.
More importantly, you’re not chopped liver either. In my rejection story, I made the mistake of neglecting my own strengths while magnifying hers. I forgot that I had a lot to offer as well, just in different ways. She had money. I had a strong personality. She had friends. I had an interesting life experience. She had a beautiful face. I had humor.
Instead of placing that potential someone above you, humanize them.
How to change an insecure attachment style
You might’ve grown up with an insecure attachment style where you were either neglected or dismissed by your parents in infancy. Whether it’s an avoidant style where you push people away or an anxious style where you lack trust in people, the best way to heal is through experiencing successful attachments later on in life.
My mother was either absent or in and out of my life from 0 to 6 years old, causing me to distance myself from potential partners and chase after unavailable women. Where it all changed was when I entered a relationship. Over time, the warmth and stability my girlfriend brought into my life changed my outlook towards relationships as well as the opposite sex. I become less hesitant about intimacy.
To earn security, you must first acknowledge the disconnect you had with your parents in early childhood. Then, reframe the narrative by integrating new experiences into your life. The more successful and secure your relationships, the more your brain starts to alter its subconscious programming.
Therefore, it might not be the best idea to get involved with someone who’s threatening until you gain trust and esteem through a few more safe relationships.
Learn to accept who and where you currently are
We seek to love and accept relationships, but ironically, we have first to find them ourselves. If your potential mate is more accomplished and attractive than you are, instead of fighting this by compensating, being jealous, or hiding your flaws, the best choice is just to be yourself. You’re enough as it is.
People might give you guys weird looks and wondering what a person like your partner is doing with you. Your partner’s friends might be dismissive of you. Their parents might not approve of you two. But as long as your partner accepts you for the way you are, which is the prerequisite even to consider them as somebody worthy of dating, you have no excuse not to feel entitled to their love.
You might not feel equal to your partner yet, or you may never do. Yet, you can’t deviate from who you are because there isn’t anything missing or broken about you.
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Previously published on medium
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