One guy dares to ask what almost everyone else is wondering.
This post originally appeared at She Said He Said.
Dear Sexes: Why do women fake orgasms? Why don’t they just give better instructions? What’s a sure fire way to know they’re faking?
She Said: Let’s face the facts: women aren’t always going to come during intercourse alone. And because your sweet, sexy faces are looking at us so hopefully, and we know you’re trying, sometimes we start to feel insecure or afraid to disappoint you. Though of course there are lots of other reasons we might fake, sometimes it’s because we feel like a failure not being able to get there (though we all know that’s not true). So give her lots of reassurance that it’s more about the act of being together and making her happy than any final conclusion.
Want to know an almost sure-fire way to guarantee an orgasm during sex? (Of course you do!) Encourage her to touch herself! Yeah, you’re gonna have to get out of your own ego and assumptions that this means you aren’t fulfilling her. But it’s so worth it! Tell her how incredibly sexy it is. Watch and learn. Afterward, ask specifics. Though she may do something you just can’t do exactly, that’s okay, it’ll be like your own little porno to watch while you’re doing it. And you may even get multiples from her! Trust me, you being inside her when she’s touching herself feels insane… beyond words.
Second, how do you know if she’s faking it? First, pay attention to her involuntary reactions when you know she’s coming… Flushed neck and chest, weird noises, lip-biting, shaking, whatever they may be… But most importantly, try to pay attention to the squeezing… the reflexive pulsing that makes it feel so completely mind-boggling in those crazy-special moments when you come at the same time. Those squeezes are tougher to fake, they’re totally unconscious.
Make sure you explain that you won’t be hurt if she isn’t going to get there. Tell her it’s totally cool, crack a joke, but be sweet. Then crack that handy bottle of lube and volunteer to help her get there afterward, if she wants.
He Said: Sex is fun, but sleeping is essential. I’m not saying you should give up sex for sleeping, but sometimes women get tired of giving instructions. We all need our beauty rest. They need their orgasms too, but if they have to coach you through it every time, then it makes things more challenging to truly be “in the moment”.
As I’ve said before, “date well, sex well, and most importantly communicate well”. In this case, sexing well goes hand-in-hand with communicating well. But even with good communication, if you don’t retain the information, the woman is going to have to instruct you every time. Perhaps this is alright if she’s into that. If not, learn quickly, before the heat of the moment freezes, and leaves you out in the cold.
Also, remember to work on a case by case basis. Every woman (and every vagina) is slightly different.