So many couples start off with a bang (pun intended)! It’s like all the stars have aligned, the universe has conspired, and your world is perfect. You have found your soulmate, the ‘one’. Maybe you’ve experienced this phenomenon yourself.
But then over time, something happens. The shine fades, the romance flickers, the excitement wanes and you just don’t feel it anymore, no matter how much you always said it wouldn’t. So, what do you do? You go find another one of course, rinse and repeat.
Why is it that you just can’t seem to keep it up when it comes to relationships? Why do you keep starting and failing? I’d suggest two reasons.
Some relationships die of natural causes and that’s completely ok. Outside of more serious issues, which I’m not going to get into here, let me suggest the following two reasons.
Reason number one – the 24/7 sexual fantasy
Let me first ask you a question. If you’re a man, do you have an everlasting erection? Better still, would you even want one?
So many people set themselves up to fail with false expectations, either of themselves or of each other. They want the high, the fanfare, the feeling, the chemical rush, the gush, and the romance to never end, ever. And when it does or starts to, they think there is a problem. It’s almost like they expect the 24/7 erection. This is living in a fantasy.
No-one can keep that baby up that long. Nor are they meant to.
If you stayed hard 24/7, you’d actually have a real problem. You would need to go see a doctor. Everything needs to ebb and flow, rise and fall, give and take. It’s the rhythm of life. It’s the same in relationships.
There is a natural flow of feelings and emotions that is completely normal and healthy. Think of your p*nis as a barometer. It’s a bodily indicator of excitement. But it’s also ok, to let the excitement come and go.
If relationships are to develop into something deeper and longer lasting, they must progress beyond the initial launch phase.
They must deepen beyond the rush and into connection, intimacy, trust, and love. Sometimes this comes with the ‘feels’, sometimes it is an art. And as with any art form, it needs to be practiced. Love is a verb. It’s a doing word.
Love and its expression is how relationships stay alive, vital and healthy. Stop expecting the 24/7 rush, and let things deepen. To do that, they need to slow down a little. This isn’t a 50-yard dash.
Reason number two – it’s not you, it’s me
One of the major reasons why relationships fail, stall, crash and burn, is because one or both of you haven’t put the time into yourself.
The things that spark attraction at first are not the same as the things that fuel a relationship.
You can get away without doing any self-work in the beginning, because everything is magical. But let me tell you, if self-work isn’t something you are putting time and energy into, your magic is going to turn to madness.
A man, woman, or couple who don’t do the self-work, simply won’t last. Or if they do, they will be dysfunctional on many levels. We all know of couples like that.
Simple truth is, if you’re not doing your own self-work, if you’re relying on your partner to provide your sense of happiness and fulfillment, and to carry you, your relationship will fade, droop and wither away, leaving you wondering what the hell went wrong.
Meanwhile, everyone else will tell you about the ‘honeymoon phase’ and how that just happens. Move on they say. And my old favourite, plenty more fish in the sea.
Move on maybe, but understanding the reason, is important to change the relationship cycle you get stuck in.
People who jump from relationship to relationship after the initial ‘honeymoon phase’ has worn off, are people who have not done their own work.
So, the self-work – what is it?
Self-work is all about knowing yourself. It involves knowing your strengths, your preferences, your weaknesses, your beliefs. It’s about your attitudes, your fears, your shadow (those insecure and fearful parts of you that you have not yet dealt with).
It’s about taking responsibility for your health, your work, your values, your spirituality, your uniqueness, your own likability, why you are like you are, and most importantly, your emotional intelligence when it comes to relationships.
How much self-work you have done, will be directly tied to how you ‘show up’ in relationships. No matter what your age or status in life, if you have stalled on your own self-work, sooner or later, your relationships will stall also.
We all get triggered in relationships. It’s human nature. Whether it’s housework, shopping, flirting, money, a look, a careless word, an inconsideration of some sort, serious or not, triggers exist.
It’s when we can recognize those triggers, become vulnerable enough to admit them, and learn ways to not be reactionary, that we grow, that we mature, that our relationships grow and mature.
Don’t look to or rely on your partner to do this work for you. They can’t. You need to do it for yourself and only you can do it. There are a tonne of books and coaches out there who can help you do this. Find them, ask questions, do the work.
If you want to have an awesome relationship with your partner, one that doesn’t fade away, crash and burn, you MUST engage in self-work. Couples who both do this work, are the ones who go the distance.
Self-work is what makes you who you are. That’s what makes you interesting. And that’s what brings the spark, the love and the passion to both yourself, your life and your relationships.
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