Your Chapter in My Book Is Over

Bee and Bird.

Those were our nicknames. I was your Bee and you were my Bird. I remember when you first came up with my nickname. At the time I was working full-time and going to school full-time. Despite all of that, I still made time for you, but it was apparent to you how tired I was because of how busy I had become. It was your cute idea to call me a busy Bee. And eventually, from there it was reduced down to Bee. It was a nickname that I loved actually.

On the flip side I also remember how I gave you your nickname, Bird. When we first started texting each other you would always type out this expression, •v•. I called it your signature emoji and thought it looked like a bird. So from that point forward, you became my Bird.

I feel like we were a seemingly perfect couple while we were together. Our love was genuine, deep, pure, innocent… it felt like it would last forever.

And I’m deeply saddened that it didn’t.

Although the memories in my mind are beginning to fade away, to my bitter disappointment, the ones that I’ll always keep with me, the physical memories, the ones I can still hold in my hands, are fresher than ever. One of the most difficult things to do is look back and read the notes, look at the pictures, hold the stuffed animals, and wear the shirts without crying.

What’s even harder is writing this, knowing that one day you might see it and be hurt too. But that’s not my intention, I don’t want to hurt you by writing this, but I have to because I need to get it out of my head.

It’s killing me.

How am I supposed to move forward with my life without you in it when parts of me still miss you and love you? I struggle daily trying to hold myself together when smells, places, words, songs, and objects that I face still trigger memories of you and I. What’s even harder is to control myself from messaging you. I don’t even know what I’d say, but I want to talk to you again.

The only way I can talk to you again, though, is to look back at the letters and notes you wrote me throughout our courtship. And the only way I can work through the emotions that the words on each page bring to the surface is to share them here.

image provided by the author

12–9–2018
Brandee,

I know things have been rough lately, and you’ve been hurting. I’m sorry for the times I haven’t been there for you emotionally and physically. I love you with all my heart and want nothing more than for us to work out. You’re the only one for me, and I’ll stick by you always, no matter how rough things get. I want to be your rock whom you can lean on and trust with all your fears and worries (and all the good, happy things too). I want you to know I’ll always be yours and only yours. There is truly no one for me but you. You are all I want and more bee. No one radiates beauty and loves the way you do. I love your mind, your intellect, face, body, your sense of humor, and even your flaws. There is no one else like you on this earth, and I love everything about you. No one makes me feel the way you feel. No one makes me laugh the way you make me laugh. No one makes me feel love the way you make me feel love. No one can cheer me up the way you can. Anyway, I think I’ll sum this letter up with this: I love you, Brandee. I’m always here for you. I can’t wait for our future together.

Even though those almost 7 years we spent together were long distance, it didn’t affect our love for each other in the least bit. That’s not what tore us apart, the distance had nothing to do with our breakup. As a matter of fact, the distance strengthened our love for each other more than anything else. Looking back and being able to read notes like these that you sent reminds me of how strong our love was, especially in the beginning, despite being 780 miles apart from each other regularly. The times that we got to spend together when we finally met up with each other were some of the happiest and most joyous moments of my life even to this day.

I will never forget the shopping sprees we went on together, the games we played together, the movies we watched, that time we went to the beach, the times we went out with my friends, all the meals we shared, and everything in between.

How could I forget?

image provided by the author

For my bee:

I love you, Brandee.

It sucks we couldn’t see each other much this weekend, but do not fret my love. I have great hopes for our future. I love you so much and am frantically turning the pages in the book of our life, trying to speed along the next chapter. We will have our time, baby.

Once again, I love you!

Unfortunately, there were times that we went months without seeing each other, and those were some of the hardest. I was very needy and emotional for your love and your touch. Being around you physically was something that I craved more and more the longer that we were apart from each other. I remember crying myself to sleep countless nights, desperate for even just a hug from you because I missed you so much.

So that’s when we started writing to each other in that green book. During those time periods that we weren’t able to see each other, we would send it back and forth in the mail. You would have it for a few weeks at a time and write in several entries, then send it to me, and likewise, I would do the same before sending it back to you.

It was so comforting to be able to open a package from you with not only the book in it but other keepsakes and sweet surprises. I know if you didn’t love me you wouldn’t have gone out of your way to do all of that. So I knew it in my heart, then and there that we were going to last forever and there was going to be no end to our relationship.

image provided by the author

Remember this promise you made?:

I would…
…get stung by 100,000 bees just to see you smile
…sell everything I own just to be with you
…get struck by lightening for your kiss
…give up skittles for a cuddle
…make sacrifices for you
…give up something I love for your love

What about this poem you wrote?:

My Girl
My girl is amazing.
I stand here gazing,
at the love of my life,
whom someday will be my wife.
People say she’s flawed,
but I just stare in awe.
She’s so beautiful,
inside and out,
what are they talking about?
I see her name in the stars;
she sends my heart to mars
with an everlasting love
which she is more than worthy of.
Do not be in denial,
I will see her,
as she walks down the aisle.
For my love,
Brandee

Here is another one of your entries:

23 Sept 2017
It’s 12:24 AM and you are upset. You feel unloved and like no one really likes you. I wish I could take your pain away baby. I wish I could heal you and make you feel 100%. All I can think about is you lying there alone crying, and it breaks my heart. All I want is to hold you tightly and warmly. I want to hum and whisper in your ear that everything will be okay. I wish I could take you with me when I come. I wish I could take you away from all badness in your life. I know everything will be okay, sweetie.

By the end of it, that book was so beaten up that we had to tape the spine back together. It makes me laugh even today. If I had not ended up with the book last, I’m sure you would have thrown it away. And something about that just rubs me the wrong way. For that, I’m so thankful that I was the last one with the because I treasure the book so much.

I don’t read it often, but when I do it hurts, but not necessarily in a bad way every time. Sometimes I look back, and yes I’m crying, but I’m crying happy tears and I’m laughing because of how funny some of the entries are. And other times I’m crying and I’m in pain because some of the letters trigger me and hurt my soul.

Most of the time though, I read it just wondering ‘what changed?’

image provided by the author

Ale the lion and the backpack bear don’t smell like you anymore. They haven’t a for a very long time. It’s been over 2 years now, so it’s no surprise they’ve lost your scent. There was a time when I would hold them together in my arms and fall asleep sniffing them. I haven’t done that in a long time.

One of my favorite things about you was after being away from each other for a while when we finally got back together, I just loved being in your arms, taking in your scent. It was the most comforting smell in the whole world. It was the smell of home and I missed it severely when we were apart.

I still miss it now.

image provided by the author

This was one of the first matching shirt sets that we bought together. I had the soft kitty shirt and you had the grumpy cat shirt.
This was one of the last matching shirt sets that we bought together. I bought this Belle shirt and you bought the beast shirt.
I remember when I got this shirt. I was still in community college and it was the first token of your love you had ever given me. Even though it was three times my size I wore it as often as I could.
This shirt is one of my favorite keepsakes from you. I don’t know what else to say about this one.
When I bought this shirt I remember thinking that it was the coolest concept ever, a Texan living in Missouri. I always imagined wearing it in your home state where we would live our lives out as a married couple. The shirt would represent my roots that I would never forget despite living 780 miles away from my birth home.

As much as I wish it didn’t end, I know in my heart it had to. However, I don’t always know how happy I am with the decision. I wish sometimes that it would have worked out in our favor. And if I’m being honest, I still do deep down think it could have.

Can it still work out?…

This breakup has changed me as a person. I am no longer who I used to be. I’m not as happy, or as carefree. I don’t smile as much as I used to and I find myself fake laughing daily. I suffer from severe depressive bouts and I honestly don’t know how much longer I’m going to last sometimes.

I am no longer the person you knew.

I wish that I could take what happened and feel grateful that I had the experience at the very least, but I can’t. Because the doubt that I might have made the wrong decision constantly consumes me. And I am often filled with regret.

Still, nothing can change the past and what happened. I have to move forward and continue because chances are it’s not happening again. And to imagine that anything otherwise could occur will only add to my grief.

I have no choice but to continue without you.

Your chapter in my book is over. It will forever be one of my favorites, but I can’t keep rereading it hoping for a different ending…

…because I know who dies in the end.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***