People often tell us that more communication can improve a relationship, and while this is true in some situations — e.g., speaking up about your true feelings, vs holding it in and quietly seething and resenting your partner — it’s not a blanket truth.
What happens when you and your partner communicate in circles, and nothing ever gets resolved? What happens when you think you and your partner have reached an understanding, but then nothing changes?
And what happens when you’re using the same words as your partner, but discussing two very different underlying issues?
When I was still married to my ex, I held in my tiny small hurts and internalized them. Part of this was due to the fact that I was terrified to tell him how I felt — what if our relationship wasn’t strong enough to withstand the “conflict” of me sharing? — and part of it was due to his unnamed chronic illness and inability to focus on anything other than how he felt. When I realized that I felt utterly alone in our relationship and attempted to connect and share with the intention of strengthening our bond and becoming closer, he simply said, “Yeah, I can see how you feel that way,” but was uninterested — or unable — to make accommodations for my feelings.
I thought maybe the issue was how I communicated my needs and wishes. I studied “I statements.” I tried to present it as an “Us against the issue” discussion. I attempted to seek from him what it was he needed and wanted from me, in the hopes that he’d be inspired to return the curiosity. I had us each take the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator test, the Enneagram, and a core values test in an effort to bridge understanding between us. I posted on the refrigerator each of our top 3 needs and desires. His: Financial Security, Health, Pursuit of knowledge; Mine: Connection, Adventure, Playfulness.
Looking at this now, I can see that we just weren’t an aligned match.
We had hours-long discussions, calm and civilized, trying to communicate with each other about how we were feeling at that moment, how we wanted to feel, and what we needed from our relationship in order to get there, but it felt like a dead end to me. He had everything he wanted (someone to do his laundry, cook for him, earn money, pay the bills, and arrange the social calendar.) I wanted someone to care and put forth effort into the relationship. I wanted someone to see me. I wanted an adventure buddy, intimacy, and playfulness. I wanted to go do things with my partner; he said he’d already done everything he wanted to do and been everywhere he wanted to visit.
I wanted to take the scenic route and explore intriguing paths; he wanted the straight shot home, with no detours or unplanned stops.
No amount of communication made any difference.
Now that we’ve been divorced for 3 years, I can see that our hours of discussions didn’t advance the relationship because we weren’t talking about the same things. We were using the same words, but he was making a case for why things were fine just the way they were. I was attempting to impart how radically different I wanted them to be.
He wanted stability and certainty and reliable sameness. I wanted — I needed — things to be different, and so I contorted myself into uncomfortable shapes to try and mold myself to fit the circumstances, until I could no longer do it.
In the end, as much as divorce is utterly devastating, I am glad we are no longer together. I still believe in the value of authentic communication, but that can only get you so far if you aren’t already aligned in your core values. You can slog uphill — and maybe even make it to the top — but it will exhaust you to push and pull your partner along the path.
I’m glad I have a partner now who prioritizes the same things I do. He’s willing to walk the path and wander down trails that look appealing while also holding my hand.
And that — more than empty words, more than unsuccessful attempts at communication — is what I wanted all along.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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