Let’s start here: I have no reason to believe you are sorry.
You didn’t come forward of your own volition. Your moral compass did not suddenly find True North. You apologized because you got caught. You made a public statement because whoever handles your crises told you to.
Yes, you have much thinking to do. Yes, you should spend more time listening than talking. Yes, you have to work with your pastor, therapist, or shaman, about how to move forward in these coming months and years.
But let’s be clear, if you were sorry, you would have done something earlier. After the first time, the fifth, the 10th. To feel sorry is to show compassion and a desire to rectify. Not once have we seen such behavior.
This is not a moral reprimand. Whatever you did, you chose to do, for reasons we may never understand. We are not trying to prove you good, bad or indifferent. The intent here is to not to examine how you were wrong, but you can make things right.
You have apologized because you think this what your viewers, your constituents, and your peers want to hear. But when you say “sorry” all we are thinking is “So what?” Your hollow words are merely the public acknowledgment of your history of concealed transgressions.
Your statement of apology carries no weight. You have opted to cover your sins with dollars thinking that would make your problems go away. It did not. It merely delayed them. The money you paid out in settlements devalued instantly. You thought since you chose the crime you could choose the punishment. What you fail to understand is we as a society aren’t craving punishment.
Punishment does not change the future. Punishment does not take into account the sacrifices of the abused. No, punishment will not do. What we seek is your involvement in a broader solution.
What will you do to prevent this from happening again? I do not care if you actually feel sorry. I do not care if you want to be a part of the solution. How you feel and what you want no longer matter. Your debt to society is now far greater than your sentiments. The choice should not be yours on whether or not you change the future. It is your responsibility to become an agent of positive change, to do good, and to prevent further harm.
Abusers have exploited individuals while experiencing tremendous financial gains. When those abusers have been confronted, they have retreated, becoming wealthy recluses. This is unacceptable. We send the wrong message when we cast out our villains. By doing so we exonerate them from cleaning up the mess they have made.
We as a society are responsible for the monsters we create. If we build the structures that allow abuse to thrive, then we must also be responsible for changing and dismantling those structures.
I do not believe our environment will immediately change so powerful men no longer have the ability to cause great harm to those under them, but we can change our perception of that behavior and the way we respond to it. We can treat such behavior as unacceptable and we can certainly make it easier for those have been abused to speak up.
We cannot know how many people did not raise their voice for fear of losing their jobs, or how many refused to say something because they didn’t think it was their place. Silence should no longer be an option. Standing up for the abused should be seen as a badge of honor, not a scarlet letter. You should be seen as a hero, not a pariah.
We should also stop accepting inappropriate sexual behavior as an opportunity to write a blank check. Such behavior is unacceptable. We have seen that doesn’t solve anything long term for anybody except those with power. Money doesn’t negate abuse.
But more than anything we should hold our abusers accountable for their words. We can demand apologies followed by substantial action. We can look to the late Randy Pausch for his guidance in what an apology should sound like. He said;
“An apology has three parts. I’m sorry. It was my fault. How do I make it right?”
It is a framework most of us never learned, and if we did, we no longer remember. Let us look to this framework in the context of the current torrent of “apologies” from men of power.
Yes, you have all said “I’m sorry” to varying degrees. The sincerity must be inferred since your statement has almost always appeared in writing. We do not get to see the look on your face or hear the tone of your voice as you admit to your wrongdoings. These written apologies are born of obligation and cowardice.
Not, not all of you have explicitly admitted you were wrong. So many of you speak of possible instances or supposedly forgotten interactions, as though that mitigates the experience for the abused. Your poor memory does not limit your culpability. It does not render you innocent.
As for how you make it right? None of you have asked. You have assumed you know best, that your internal reflection will be enough to change history. You have stepped back, stepped down, or removed yourself. You have not chosen a high road but a back exit.
Your ignorance of the situation is significant. You clearly did not understand what actions were appropriate to begin with so you wouldn’t understand what is appropriate now. You as a man do not get to unilaterally decide who sees you naked, how you touch others, and what doors in this world remain locked.
So we have an obligation now, to hold you accountable for the mess you have made and to demand that you partake in the dialogue you previously suppressed. You will not become a memory but a catalyst.
You will represent both the end of an era and the beginning of a movement. You will be what happens when we demand meaning from words. And then we will know that when you say “I’m sorry”, you will do whatever you can to make this right.
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