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Here’s a revelation for the opposition to the resistance–the resistance is not about Politics, it’s not about which party is in control, nor is it about being a sore loser. The resistance is an action of maintaining personal boundaries coupled with empathy for humanity. Perhaps others don’t easily recognize boundaries nor empathy, because let’s face it, as a society, we pretty much suck at them!
In my work, I help clients identify their boundaries based on their core values. To know your boundaries takes one skill, to communicate them to others is a different skill, and then to hold yourself and others to them is yet another. I for one, am glad we are using our voices about “What’s okay and what’s not okay,” to quote Brene Brown’s simple definition of boundaries.
Disregarding the boundaries of others has subtly permeated our culture. Throughout history, we have always had a rape epidemic, and making it illegal didn’t do much to change it. We have just begun teaching consent a whole new way, relating that an emphatic YES is what you need. Meanwhile, the multi-billion dollar pickup artist industry still teaches men a woman’s “No” doesn’t really mean no, just keep asking until you wear her RESISTance down.
If you’ve ever been in sales, training techniques teach success is not taking no for an answer, and best you keep asking until you get a yes. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again!” Not a bad mantra if used only in the framework of personal strength, but if it requires others approval or consent, perhaps not the most respectful principle. Don’t even get me started on the famous quote, “It’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission!”
Stefani Geranotta (aka Lady Gaga), said this about boundaries, “I realized that part of my identity is saying no to things I don’t wanna do. It is your right to choose what you do and don’t do. It is your right to choose what you believe in and don’t believe in. It is your right to curate your life and your own perspective.” It’s not enough to just know your own boundaries, but we also must communicate them, or join others who share our values and RESIST.
As the white, single mother of four adopted black teens, one of whom is a lesbian, and the rest with various special needs ranging from autism to progressive medical conditions, I RESIST not only on behalf of my values, but also in empathy for them and their counterparts.
Being dismissive of pain by saying “yeah it sucks that you get treated that way {because you’re not just like me}” does nothing to improve their lives. Empathy is jumping in the middle of the pain, seeing it, feeling it and then standing with them, even when you’ve not experienced the same. To quote Brene Brown again, “Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘you’re not alone.’”
When we RESIST, when we march, when we contact a politician, when we post our solidarity on social media, we are not just angry people upset about who holds certain offices. Instead, we are empathizing or sharing our own pain and asking you to see it, feel it and maybe even, stand with us.
Please don’t dismiss us as angry liberals or progressives. Are we sometimes angry? Yes! Are we sometimes operating out of fear? Sure. But if you took a moment to see our hearts, our motivation or our pain, I would like to think you would see the beauty of sharing a cause.
I do not know what it’s like to a black American who gets pulled over for a minor traffic violation and wonder if they will make it home alive, but I empathize for those that do, and I will RESIST.
I do not know what it’s like to be an immigrant living in a foreign land that no longer welcomes me, but I empathize for how scary it must feel, so I will RESIST.
I do not know what it’s like to be a gay person and hear politicians wanting to legalize electroshock therapy, but I empathize as someone who wouldn’t want to be shocked for who I love, so I will RESIST.
I do not know the ins and outs of climate change, but I understand the importance of the environment being able to provide for future generations, so I will RESIST.
I do not know what it is like to feel terror in a war-torn country, be on the refugee list, only to find out the country I was going to may no longer let me and my children in, but I empathize as a mother, and I will RESIST.
I do not know what it is like to be raised in an impoverished community, but I empathize with the struggle of feeling trapped and lacking opportunity, so I will RESIST.
I DO know what it’s like to have a houseful of people with various diagnoses, realizing there could come a time where insurance is allowed to deny the kidney transplant my son will need or the mental health care my other son may need. Healthcare is a right, and I will RESIST!
I DO know what it’s like to be a rape survivor, yet do not know what’s it is like to have a resulting pregnancy and possibly losing my right to choose what happens next. I empathize for all victims of abuse, and I will RESIST.
And finally, I DO know what it’s like to lose a six-year-old to disease, so my heart aches in empathy for the parents who sent their children to kindergarten that never came home. Stricter gun control is not even a question for me, so I will RESIST.
Resisting doesn’t make us political activists, it doesn’t make us desire civil disobedience, nor does it mean that speaking up for one thing, leaves things other out. No, resistance is holding ourselves and others to our personal boundaries and championing respect for all. It’s empathizing with the core of humanity, the pain of neighbors and locking arms in solidarity and saying, “If we do this together, we create energy to make it another day and know you’re not alone anymore.”
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Photo: Getty Images
This is probably the best article about social justice I have ever read here on GMP I want to note – because the author did not make the point clearly – that to do this kind of social justice work we must empathize not just with the oppressed, but with the oppressor as well. If we don’t empathize with the oppressor as well as the oppressed, we will be acting out of our “blind passions” (a term from Buddhism) when we attempt to speak, write, march or whatever. We will be driven by our fear, our anger, and our hatred… Read more »
Morty, thank you so much for your comment and I agree with you 100%. Kindness is so important. I was talking with a friend after he read this article and told him that I really hadn’t been able to connect with Trump supporters pain outside of the ones who told me about increase in premiums. And that will be my goal now. But yes the karma piece is so very important and even remembering we create our own suffering in how we respond to the other side. That is another Buddhist principle we can use here. Thank you again for… Read more »
Beautifully written, Deb. Empathy and boundaries are crucial to coexisting in a healthy way.