What are your
2014 predictions?
Trying to guess the future is a sucker’s game, but a fun one nonetheless. Here are some of my predictions for the next 365:
1) Space aliens will land in Washington, D.C. The Republicans will deny their existence since it isn’t specifically mentioned in Revelations. They will then shut down the government for 3 weeks after President Obama attempts to hold talks with the alien leaders. When it is determined that they are peaceful, Senator Cruz of Texas will lead the movement to have them deported back into space, since they arrived in the country without the proper documentation. This movement will gain steam amongst the Tea Party when the aliens produce cures for all known diseases, which they will argue is a socialist plot to make people more open to Obamacare.
2) Andy Kaufman will turn out to really have faked his death. Most people won’t give a shit. The standard Twitter response will be, “who’s old guy on tv they talking about LMFAO”
3) A popular reality show star will say something extremely stupid. The Internet will be evenly divided between bazooka-ing them out of existence and running them for public office.
4) Thousands of wondrous and joyful occurrences will occur around everyone everyday. Almost no one will notice, because they’re on their phone bitching about how hot/cold the weather is. In similar news, people will bitterly complain about how much worse the world is now, while surrounded by evidence it’s better than it ever has been.
5) Someone will market Gluten-free Soylent Green, but they’ll get taken to court when it is revealed that it’s actually only 30% people and 70% algae.
6) Facebook will develop a “You Got This Coming” button that–when pressed by someone–will send a person over to your house to punch you in the stomach. They will charge users $5,000 a year to disable this option on their accounts.
7) Someone will be offended by this post.
8) To celebrate the 20th anniversary of the “Macarena”, Pitbull will record a cover version duet with Selena Gomez. You will dance to it at a wedding.
9) The remake of Godzilla will be a movie. Some people will see it and like it, some will not and many more will never ever watch it.
10) Pope Francis will pull an 18-wheeler behind him using only his teeth.
So, those are my predictions. What do you think is going to happen this year?
This is why Aliens won’t talk to us. Nothing to see here.
Very funny. Very funny, indeed. It’s January 2 and I’m already in a bad mood. So, I pick #3; only my beef isn’t with the Duck Dynasty issue, it’s with Alec Baldwin’s use of the f-word and his subsequent firing from MSNBC which apparently happened in November? but I only heard about 2 days ago on the Michelangelo Signorile show on XM radio. OK, so it’s not the F-word-f-word: it’s, well…fag. There I said it; move to the UK and smoke one if you’re offended. OK, so he didn’t mean it that way, and considering that the word was preceded… Read more »
My 2014 prediction includes at least one injury per month based upon me doing something goofy or stupid.
January 1: Bent toenail back doing the Snoopy dance.