Relationships are the most precious things we have. Time is the most fleeting and the one thing we can never truly get back. But relationships…those are the things that we fill our time and experiences with.
Your memories aren’t likely filled with passing hours where you felt the clock tick. You’re more likely to see flashes of laughter, sparklers, bonfires, pulling pranks on your friends, and hugs with your loved ones. Memories and time are filled with snippets of your relationships.
And because you can never get time back, you want to make sure those memories and experiences are as high quality as possible. The problem is that sometimes, people unknowingly sabotage their relationships due to unhealed trauma.
Here are the 12 red flags you that unhealed trauma is setting your relationships up for failure. The good news is that awareness is the first step to resolution. So just by being aware of what’s going on in your mind and body, you can course-correct before your relationships sour.
1. Overexplaining yourself
Have you ever done something and then had to justify it to yourself? When you have to overexplain to yourself the reasons for your choices, there’s sabotage and trauma afoot. This can happen when you’re taking aligned or misaligned actions. But if you find yourself explaining to yourself over and over again why you’re making choices, there’s some trauma to heal.
Making solid decisions that you trust without talking yourself into it or justifying it afterward is the healthy space to operate from.
2. Avoidance
Confrontation can be uncomfortable. Some people go their whole lives trying to avoid conversations, good or bad. Avoidance as a trauma indicator isn’t just about avoiding the tough things, but the happy things too. Maybe you’re avoiding a conversation around money, sex, or intimacy in a relationship. These behaviors are indicative of belief systems that are keeping you from deeply connecting because of some trauma there. Likewise, if you (or your partner) is shying away from having sex more often than not, you’re not present during intimacy, or you’re not orgasming, there’s likely unhealed trauma at the root.
3. Take things personally
The more emotional healing you do, the less personally you take things. You become less attached to the emotional life of other people and more connected to your own core state of being. So when you get defensive or offended easily, it’s likely because there’s an unhealed trauma triggering that response.
Another expression of taking things personally is when someone is asking us to meet their basic needs for them, instead of them meeting their own needs. This is not to be confused with meeting their needs within the relationship (things like feeling seen and heard), but instead relying on the other person to help them function throughout their day.
4. Eye contact
If you struggle to make or keep eye contact with other people, you’re likely afraid of being fully seen. It can also be a sign that you have deep shame beneath the surface of your awareness. Hiding is always a trauma indicator.
5. Expecting others to “just know”
How many times have you heard (or said) this phrase, “I shouldn’t have to tell you. You should just know.” Not asking for what we want and expecting the other person to know what we want is a powerful way to sabotage a relationship. This often relates to a deep fear of rejection and pops up with people who have codependent backgrounds.
6. Being too busy for the relationship
Being too busy is a way that people avoid being seen or keep themselves from having what they want. This often relates to a sense of unworthiness that then sabotages the relationship. It’s important to make time for what you want and to watch out for this particular kind of undercover sabotage.
7. Always thinking the worst of our partner
If you’re always assuming the worst, it robs your relationship of intimacy, trust, and belonging. Relationships are precious because they give people a sense of home. When you think the worst of your partner, you take away their emotional safe place with you.
8. Controlling behavior
Whether you’re attracting relationships where someone is controlling you or you’re the one controlling your partner, this is a BIG indicator that trauma is in the driver’s seat. You may be mimicking past relationships for comfort, like that of a parent and child dynamic. But relationships cannot thrive when control is at play.
9. Manipulative or abusive relationships
These kinds of relationships are often labeled as toxic. The key here is that there’s usually significant past trauma playing out over and over again in the relationship, especially around abuse or similar dynamics. Without addressing the trauma, people can switch partners, but they will continue to play out these dynamics until that trauma is addressed.
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