In a couple weeks I turn 30. It’s a daunting number. I have been alternating between excitement and dread. Today, though, I am sitting in wonder that I am having these emotions. I am amazed to be excited at the prospect of adulthood (because of course turning 30 will magically make me feel like an adult.)
Why the amazement? A little over 4 years ago I tried to commit suicide. I had struggled with a terrible bout of depression for almost two years and I couldn’t handle life anymore. I didn’t want there to be a future because it felt like I was always going to be in that place. Barely able to get myself dressed and fed and unable to be productive in any meaningful way with regards to work.
I failed and landed myself in the hospital where I finally got the support I needed but wouldn’t ask for. That hospital stay was the beginning of a long road of healing. A journey that brought me to Panama. It brought me to a community of wonderful people. People who supported me as I tried to find my footing.
Five years ago I would have told you I wasn’t going to see 30. I fully believed that I didn’t want to be in this world for that much longer. Working through my depression and the trauma that initiated it was in no way a walk in the park. But in a few weeks I get to gather with friends and loved ones and celebrate that I have made it through with the excitement of what that means.
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Amanda lives in the mountains of Panama with her trusty pup, Pippin. When she's not meandering the countryside or baking something delicious, Amanda is a Catalyst Coach through SHFT. Improving confidence and navigating the sometimes tumultuous seas of familial relationships are her strengths.
