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Let’s face it: just because a woman has a boyfriend, or a man has a girlfriend, doesn’t mean they are expected to completely cut off the rest of their desired gender’s population. They will probably have a few friends or close acquaintances from the gender they’re attracted to that they see on a fairly regular basis. This is definitely not a problem —the world is comprised of mostly other people, after all, and a healthy relationship isn’t threatened by these friendships.
More serious trouble lingers, however, if there’s a friend who’s definitely a little closer than is appropriate considering the “In a Relationship” status. I like to refer to this person as “Disneyland.”
You’re probably wondering, what is Disneyland?
First off, it’s a very loose term and it can mean different things to different people. It can be something as simple as a “tempter” a piece of side-candy that a person in a relationship likes to entertain. Or, they can actually be someone they have strong feelings for, but for one reason or another, can’t be in a relationship with right now.
For this particular example, let’s assume a heterosexual woman has a strong emotional connection to a guy apart from her boyfriend. He’s a friend of hers, but it’s never been one of those friendships you would ever call strictly platonic. This is the type of friendship that her boyfriend would probably lose his mind about if he were to witness their connection, as it would become perfectly clear to him that his girlfriend was harboring a deep emotional connection to this guy.
In our example, this woman has become very coy and secretive about this particular relationship. Perhaps she isn’t even fully aware, herself, of how inappropriate this relationship is, and how much she’s betraying her primary relationship by talking to this person. But she does. She can’t help herself. She is drawn to this person, for whatever reason. It might be particularly irresistible if these feelings pulling her towards him have never been fully exorcised — he’s that itch that she’s never been single long enough to scratch.
Just like when we were kids, with dreams of Mickey Mouse ears and log flume rides, “Disneyland” is always put on a higher pedestal and is more potent in the imagination when you’ve never gone there before.
“What if it’s me?”
For those folks reading this that have ever been someone else’s “Disneyland,” or currently find themselves targeted as this metaphorical theme park, there are some important things to be aware of.
Firstly, there is a high chance that your admirer’s perception of you is very dreamlike and romanticized. This is because they don’t really know who you are past all the thrills and fun. They haven’t endured the time and struggles of a real relationship with you: merely the bits and pieces of fun and lust that have shaped their mental image of you.
Secondly, that added element of taboo always inspires a particular type of breathless, forbidden romance that many of us are suckers for. It’s safe to say that they aren’t even interested in the real you, but with the glossy, laminated version of you — merely the idea of you. Try not to get all high and mighty, thinking you have this guy in your back pocket, when they very well could be suffering from a completely false perception of you.
You also need to understand that you will probably only manifest yourself differently in their life when their relationship is going through some down times. They may have just had a big fight, he’s out of town on some trip she’d wished he hadn’t gone on, or they’re a little tipsy after a boy’s night out and could use the emotional rush.
So you become his roller coaster ride — or her Alice in Wonderland dream — that little something to take them away from the daily sludge of their regular relationship. When they text you, it doesn’t even necessarily mean that the relationship is struggling; they most likely enjoy conversing with you, and are inspired by your unique insights on things. They definitely like you, but the feelings they have for you probably won’t shave away the years they’ve shared with their partner.
This is why it’s important that you ask yourself this question — can I have this person in my life as nothing more than a friend? Technically that’s all you are, and the likelihood is you will continue to be, so you need to determine if you can handle being in their life on those terms. If you can, then go ahead, text back and enjoy the little bit of their life they share with you, but don’t continue to talk and share flirty messages if you have ulterior motives. You will just drive yourself crazy while you wait for her to respond to your messages, knowing very well that she’s not replying right away because she’s with “him.”
If you finally come to the conclusion that you can’t be with this person on those terms, there are a few things you can do that might turn the tides in your favour, or at least reaffirm that they do feel the same way about you. The fact that you’re single means you have the upper hand to create a little jealously, considering that you already know they’re in a committed relationship and won’t be hooking up with anyone else. By continuing to go about dating other people, letting them in subtly on your other romantic endeavors may stir their feelings for you through jealousy. Once they have to admit it to themselves, they’re more likely to be compelled to do something about it.
But, of course, there is also the risk that you might simply reaffirm their feelings for their current partner — and if that happens, the best thing you can do is move on, and not let yourself get hung up on a romance that will never fully blossom. Thankfully, you will have already resumed dating, and can find someone who is actually free to have a relationship with you.
Remember, the act of physical cheating is quick and it hurts — but it‘s an explosion, an easily recognizable traumatic event. The wounds from the silent betrayal of emotional cheating, like deep bruises, are much more difficult to keep hidden and protected. They’re slow, persistent, and they ache deep into your soul. They knock the wind completely out of a relationship.
Sometimes a person who finds themselves in the role of “Disneyland” is just fine with some harmless entertainment — but sometimes, what they want is worth much more than a cheap ride and an occasional corn dog.
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A version of this post was previously published at JamieNRea.com and is republished to Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock