There is no right way to end a relationship. It’s hard to end a relationship and to leave one or either person happy. If you are the one ending the relationship, there is no way to be the good guy.
The first key thing to understand is if you are ending the relationship, you are the one making the tough decision for both people. Because whether you are at fault or not, you are the one who is saying this situation is not fixable.
Many people think that the end of the relationship requires burning down everything you have built with the person until you both walk away hating one another. This is usually carried out by pointing fingers at the other person and assigning blame for the ways that one or both of you destroyed the relationship.
This can be the result of communication issues, infidelity or simply lack of maturity in both partners.
It’s a choice.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, conversation dissolves into attacks.
But, I am here to offer another way to those who want end a relationship with the same type of compassion and love you had when you began it.
I challenge you to be the bigger person.
Tip#1:
Remember, everyone has a dream for their relationship and for who they would be in that relationship
As you approach ending this relationship, remember the other person had an image in their mind of who they would be in the relationship and a dream of a life together. They expected to live up to it. The person standing before is trying to process and deal with their own failure.
This makes for a defensive person. Failure isn’t easy for anyone to accept. If they can’t accept it in their own mind, it will be difficult to hear from the other person.
Instead of hashing out all the problems in the relationship while determining blame, start with the things that were good.
Tip#2:
Sometimes, it’s as simple as owning your reactions.
Relationships can fall apart because of communication issues. And, communication issues can become impassable because of different viewpoints. And, while neither person may have been the cause of the problem, often your reaction to the problem may have contributed to the demise of the relationship.
We all have a choice of how we react to our partner. Often, we mirror their bad behavior when we have the power to diffuse the issue.
Were you passive aggressive? Did you shut down? Did you practice avoidance?
We can fall back on tactics that make us feel as if our partner is the bad guy and we are simply reacting to their behavior. But, we also aren’t making the situation better.
Take accountability for not taking the opportunities to repair what wasn’t working.
Tip#3
Provide as much closure as you can.
Be honest, but kind.
Explain your reasons for why you don’t think the relationship can progress. Tell them that you want them to find someone who is better matched with them. Allow them to vent their hurt and their feelings.
In the end, don’t offer to be friends if you don’t really mean it. In fact, don’t say anything you don’t mean or leave any room for false hope.
But, try to end the conversation on a good note. They still have to go through the grieving process for the relationship, but understanding why or how it broke down may help them not to take on a great deal of guilt.
How My Ex Taught Me How to End a Relationship Gracefully
I always say that my ex gave me the greatest gift in the way he ended our relationship. When my ex and I ended our relationship, we sat together for 4 hours. He sat me down and gave me the rules of engagement.
He said:
We are not going to raise our voices.
We are not going to interrupt one another. I can’t get my thoughts out when you interrupt me. I will speak and then you will speak when I am done.
We are not going to use any curse words or try to hurt each other.
I agreed to his rules.
As we went through the conversation, it was difficult to listen while he talked. It was hard not to get loud because I was upset. But, when my voice would start to go up, he would rub my leg or my hand to remind me to calm down. I would take deep breaths and he waited patiently until I regained my composure. He let me cry. He apologized. He explained the way he saw things. He let me explain my viewpoint and then he repeated what I said until we were both sure we understood one another.
By the end of the conversation, we had put our whole relationship into perspective and we both felt heard for the first time.
We walked away with no ill will towards one another. We actually hugged when it was over and we hugged again before he moved out.
We said goodbye and wished each other well.
This story has been republished to Medium.
Photo credit: Wesley Balten on Unsplash