Today, a good portion of my hair has already turned grey but when I was 12, I was bullied in school and was starting to compare myself to other girls and was worried I’d never grow a pair of boobs while they were already oh so proudly wearing their bras.
“Who is going to hand you a glass of water when you are 80?” my father asked me during my visit home. Here, I was presented with the painting of a less than desirable future as he continued to make his point to the almost 28-year-old me at the time. It was the middle of summer, and a couple of months since my husband and I separated. My ego still roared, my soul still ached. “I think it’s time you think about having children, and you should really consider settling down.” I know what he meant was that he was worried, and wanted me to be happy.
It is at a time like this that you don’t know whether its best you burst out in hysterical laughter or explode in ugly crying, or both at the same time. Because I too have heard myself think those thoughts in the past, and that old fear has gripped me by my throat before. Only this time, I wasn’t willing to build my life based on luck, fear and doubt or others’ ideas of what’s possible.
Only this time, I wasn’t willing to build my life based on luck, fear and doubt or others’ ideas of what’s possible.
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A lot of pressure is created when we find ourselves on a mission pushing towards this destination, which is supposed to make us happy. Dare we not get there on time and disappoint our parents or even ourselves!
Research shows that only 10% of our happiness comes from the things they say should make us happy. Like status, age, and the things we are ‘trained’ to chase. Way too often, even having children, relationships, and love fall in that category, and sometimes even our mad race towards “getting” it.
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Whether you feel like you’ve been on an endless treasure hunt looking for love in all the wrong places, or find it hard to believe you’ll be able to find that special connection, here are a couple of things that might be helpful to you:
Ask yourself what your true desires are.
This is my invitation to turn off that small and outdated way of thinking—“I don’t want to be lonely when I am 80”—and tune into your true desire for connection, intimacy, and being with a person who would value and fulfil you. A relationship that feels equal and supportive. Settle down who? Your dreams need space to move around in. Stand in your power, acknowledge your true desires. The social measuring stick dangles broken anyway.
Have fear come for a ride + drop that worry.
It might be a wild ride, and it might have been already, but have that fear take the back seat. And let your dating and marriage “failures” remind you that every love story begins with you, and you are the one driving towards the future where your wishes and dreams are fulfilled. A friend of mine once said: “Worry is like paying interest on a loan you may never get.”
Let your dating failures show you the way forward.
See a future where you are nourished, loved and supported regardless of your past. Breathe into that vision and possibility. Too much to ask for? I don’t think so. Walk into the future full of spontaneity, laughter, adventure, romance, and your freedom.
The relationship paradigms are shifting.
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Feels much better, doesn’t it? Let that be your inner guide to call in true love and connection.
Relationship paradigms are shifting. It’s high time we stop telling ourselves we are supposed to have settled down by now. Can you show up in the world and be present to another human today without pasting their face onto what old formulas say? And here is a thing to say to my father or (that inner voice inside your head):
“We can’t stop time from ticking but will you stop spending it freaking out?”
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
If you think that the fear of being lonely at 80 is a bleak outlook for the future, try “I was lonely at 40, I will be lonely at 50, 60 and 70, but I will most probably not live to be 80” for a change.