3. Baseball Nut
Every day you learn something new. Today we learn that there is a level in comedy below “Uh … penis.” It is “Uh … testicles.”
I will say one thing for this photo: it is a more accurate depiction of how this will actually be worn than most of these. This model has embraced his role as “Guy who bought the Baseball Nut costume” and is not only doing that guy’s inevitable Party Face, but is pointing at his crotch in exactly the manner that guy will be doing all night, or at least until enough people have asked him to stop.
I admire this model’s dedication to the Method, really. In a world full of much-needed reminders telling people “Don’t be that guy,” this model has embraced the fact that here, now, in this moment, in this godawful little gig, he must be that guy.
2. Happy Halloweenie
Somewhere out there, there’s a guy who’s been reading down this list going “I don’t get it. What’s this costume referring to? This kind of oblique intellectual humor just goes right over my head. Don’t get this one either … who are you, Noel Coward? How about something regular folks can understand for once?” For this guy, the dude who considers Dane Cook a little too highbrow and looks up the references in Carlos Mencia routines, this costume has been developed. Finally, a joke the lowest common denominator’s slightly slow cousin can understand.
See, it’s a dick.
1. Breathalyzer
Yes, the tube at the bottom says “Blow Here.” The entire point, the designed intent of this costume is that the wearer will insistently go up to people (women, mostly) who are drunk enough that they’re seriously impaired, and start telling them they need to blow him before they’re allowed to do anything else.
If you were to actually make a Date Rapist costume, consisting of a big cartoon bottle of Rohypnol and a T-shirt reading HELLO I AM A DATE RAPIST, it would be way, way less date-rapey than this costume.
I’m ragging on these costumes for being unfunny, and they are, but really that’s just the visible symptom of a deeper problem. These are all just dick jokes because our default-assumption culture has embraced the idea that men are not, in and of themselves, sexy. That a man’s only contribution to the ineffable ebb and flow of sexual attraction is having a big dick. Ozy Frantz calls it the Myth of Men Not Being Hot, the idea that men cannot be attractive just by being men. It’s toxic and damaging, and it leads to untold levels of hurt and loneliness in millions of men. I’ve had to actively argue with many men who literally don’t believe that straight women find men sexy. Oddly, I’ve never had to argue with any straight women about whether they find men hot; their argument on the subject is usually along the lines of “Well … yes. Duh.”
Part of the culprit here is the kind of oppositional-sexism structure that reflexively defines men and women as opposites. Under this assumption, women are attractive, therefore by definition men are unattractive. This brings me to a few bonus costumes that aren’t on the dick-joke top ten, but are too stomach-churningly appalling to leave out.
Bonus Sexist Costumes For Men! Turn Back Now!
There you go, now you know what it sounds like when the last of your faith in humanity dies.
The joke here, in all of these, is that the wearer is a man, dressed as a woman, but it’s an unattractive woman! Because she’s old or has pubic hair! How hilariously gross! It’s ironic because women are defined solely as the attractive gender, yet these fake women are not attractive! Better call that girl in the Sexy Nurse outfit, because I just busted a gut laughing!
These are only men’s costumes, of course. There are no Unattractive Woman costumes for women, nor Unattractive Man costumes, for that matter. Feel free to spend a few hours untangling the sick set of assumptions that have to exist for that to make sense.
When we talk about how stupid, sexist attitudes harm everyone, this is what we mean. Happy Halloween, everyone, and may your costumes be less soul-killingly awful than these.
Images from Halloween Spirit, used under fair use for critical purposes. To be fair to the company, they also have a great many costumes that are not in bad taste, and some genuinely good decorations and party supplies.
I hope a new Hitler arises and burns the Jew that wrote this stupid article. There are 2 genders, hail hydra
Sorry Noah, I didn’t realize this was a 4 year old article that was reprinted
Wow you’re quite the journalist.
Translation : I have no sense of humor, and I don’t want adults to have fun at adult parties.
Noah! Nice seeing you again. Hope all is well with you?
Vulgar and stupid.
I think a lot of men would love to dress in revealing Halloween costumes if they thought women would actually find it sexy. That’s why you only see sexy male costumes in gay culture.
You’re gay
I don’t think these costumes are sexist.
The models are white guys. The costumes are fallace centered. Is there some connection? Why don’t African American guys wear “Big Penis” costumes? Then it occurred that white entertainment could have a penis facination if not a sex facination:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqlOAX-3r18. “The Ambiguosly Gay Duo” the care is a phallus? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU “Family Guy” Where the dog’s nose is a phallus? Is there a new sexual insecurity among white males? Terms such as “Great Equalizer” (Handgun) find resonance with guys who wear and are consumed with phallic symbols to such a degree. All Hallows Eve is still a cool night for the kids… Read more »
No one read your argument. No one cares how you feel about anything
Offense is in the eye of the beholder. Why the hell can’t people wear cartoonish costumes? You who else would agree with you, Noah? My grandmother and every other “good Christian” who would find these suggestive costumes sinful in their representation of a man’s unspeakables. I know you’re coming at it from another angle, but it’s the same nonsense, really. Let people have their fun and lighten up.
These costumes are sexist and they’re not sexy. They’re stupid. I guess male sexuality in Halloween is like a lot of male nudity in film. It’s treated as a joke. At least the sexist women’s Halloween costumes are actually sexy.
Yes. It’s really great that every year Halloween roles around, women AND young girls are expected to conform yet again to ideals of their attractivess and sexiness being the only thing of worth about them. It’s a great message to send all those little girls and young teenage girls isn’t it? It’s fantastic that you can now see 13 year olds dressed up in these outfits like little wanna-be strippers. It’s great that Alice in Wonderland, a inquistive child’s character has turned into a man’s porno dream. Because really, that’s all women are in our culture today. It’s a great… Read more »
When I was younger, it always bothered me more when I was called a derogatory name for a Chinese person than when I was referred to by a derogatory word for a Filipino, which I am. If someone is going to be racist at least be racist right. That’s where I’m coming from with the Halloween costumes. If you’re going to create sexist costumes at least create costumes that are actually sexy. I agree that sexist costumes are wrong regardless of whom they’re targeted at. The at least comment is more a personal pet peeve than a social commentary. I… Read more »
These costumes are meant to be sexy? I thought they were just a joke?
I think it’s absolutely stupid that they take costumes such as armored characters, such as ironman, and make them into silly “sexy” dresses for women. And sexy clothing for children is disturbing as hell fullstop.
There is a place for sexy outfits such as the sinners ball we have in the city here (18+ event where people dress up in all kinds of sexualized outfits) but I don’t think it should be the majority of all costumes.
The truth is that men are not allowed to be sexy and women are not allowed to be anything BUT sexy. Each one of us lives in his or her half of that rotten, discriminating situation, sometimes wishing to be able to do what the other side is allowed (or forced) to do. That’s the way I read John’s statement, and I think it is humanly natural to feel his way. How about we fight TOGETHER to tear down ALL those rules, so everybody can be as sexy or unsexy as they please? The first step would be to never… Read more »
I’ve seen a worse version of “priest with boner” before. It was “priest with plush altar boy attached to groin”. They can in fact get worse.
Don’t underestimate the power of drugs or alcohol to make a bad idea seem like a brilliant idea.
“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American people.” — H.L. Mencken
That quote was from a long time ago, and I doubt Mencken had ever seen anything like this, but the idea still holds.
Sorry, should say “American public” not “American people.”
sexiness is a womans job and men have exactly one thing about them that’s sexually attractive
And what , pray tell is that?
These costumes ARE stupid.
On the other hand, you might even be able to take the walking phallus costume and make it into some kind of pro-male poltical statement- I’m just not sure what that statement would be. Or the walking penis could really be just plain ol silly. If it’s good enough for Aristophanes, it’s good enough for me.
“sexiness is a womans job and men have exactly one thing about them that’s sexually attractive.” How ironic is it that at the bottom of every costume pictured is an add for the ‘Sausagefest’ movie Magic Mike. Did you plan that Noah?
I was in my local Halloween store a few weeks ago and they literally had an entire wall of these penis costumes. But men don’t face pressures when it chez to sex though….
Aren’t these just breath-takingly shit rather than sexist?
My thoughts exactly.
I think it’s both and that’s one of the things that bothers me.
My usual take is that if something can be construed as being sexist against men AND women at the same time (which is certainly true for the last 3 images), then it is neither really, but just goddamnedly stupid. So yeah, I agree.
I’ve got to dress up as a vagina this Halloween then. With all of these dicks walking around, one has got to combat it somehow. Perhaps I’ll liven it up with some sequins and be a vajazzled vagina. SEXY
I’m sorry but I have to admit I think these are wildly hilarious. Yes yes men are beautiful and there’s no need to laugh at the male form and so on and so forth… But what if I just love penis jokes?
*facepalm*
Oh God. Kill me now.
LOL!
Wow. Hard ons. Hilarious. But, I’m surprised at how little they’ve been able to do with erectile disfunction Halloween costumes.
You should see the costumes at the NYC Village Halloween Parade!
So what you’re really saying is what we have here is cultural gender appropriation.
…Butt do they come in LARGE sizes ?????