#25: If you admit to, or get caught, ogling pretty women, somebody somewhere will get mad about it. Why this is, I am never going to fully understand.
Photo credit: Todd Mauldin, used with permission
About Todd MauldinTodd Mauldin (@mrtavo) is a musician, writer and artist living in Reno, NV. He blogs at www.toddmauldin.com.
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I admit that I’ve gotten upset when my boyfriend or other men are caught doing this. I also admit that after I get upset I see it as something normal and that I’ve done it too. Initially the reason for getting upset is because in a way it is threatening to me and it makes me feel less special at that moment. I have this romanticized idea that because he is with me then no one else should seem attractive or more special than me. So yes, my first instinct is to get upset but then I rationalize it and realize that we all look. It’s when the other person goes above and starts to flirt, cat call, or comment that’s when it’s completely disrespectful towards their partner. This is my honest opinion and experience on the matter.
amen!
The comments so far have made the assumed that the person getting mad was the girlfriend of the man doing the ogling, and that he was ogling some other woman. This getting-mad I can understand — I get jealous about things too.
What I find hard to understand is when you don’t even have a girlfriend, and you ogle a woman, and *the woman you were ogling* (or one of her friends) gets mad. OK, maybe the sexual attention is unwelcome, but I have a solution for you, Mad Ogled Woman: So what? Suck it up.
Think about it this way: if one day *you* want to have a sexual relationship with a man, one of you will have to take the first unambiguous step towards signalling that to the other person. Now is it only you who is allowed to initiate this process? Of course not, you say, he is welcome to initiate it (perhaps you would even prefer him to, as many women do) — *provided of course that he is the guy that you are sexually attracted to, and not some other random guy.* If he isn’t that guy, you feel entitled to get mad.
But how could any given guy possibly know whether he is *that* guy, the guy that you’re attracted to? (Remember, we’re talking about the situation where neither you nor he has yet made any indication of your attraction for the other.)
The only solution to this conundrum that doesn’t involve one person having to be a mindreader is to have a consensus that there are some low-power, low-risk signals of sexual interest that are socially acceptable to give, even when the interest is not reciprocated. The lowest-power signal is surely the sexual gaze.
Ladies, I’m not saying you should enjoy being leered at; I am saying you should put up with it without causing a fuss *so that you and everyone else has a shot at starting a sexual relationship without the threat of shame hanging over their heads.* I would give exactly the same advice to straight guys getting leered at by gay guys: sure, it’s unwelcome sexual attention, but *on the smallest scale imaginable*, so just deal with it.
First off, I have a right to look, and other people have the right to feel offended by my looking. It’s my eyeballs and my neck. I can move them any way that I want to. Keep your rules off of my body.
I find it most diplomatic to look without noticing. (Or is it noticing without looking?) It’s just good manners to be subtle. Don’t stare. Use your short-term memory and your peripheral vision. Check out the beautiful woman walking her dog and make a comment to your girlfriend about how cute the dog is. “What?! I was looking at the dog!”
It only takes a second to put someone into the spank bank, so don’t waste all that extra time by gawking. Besides, the time you spend staring at that one person could be spent looking at other people.
More than once I have been caught appreciating an attractive woman by her boyfriend or spouse. I just turn it into a compliment to him by a smile and a wink back at him when he gives me the eye. Once I have gotten the “what are you looking at?” from some guy. I replied ” I was looking at this beautiful lady with you! You da man!” and to the lady… “Do you have a sister?” What’s the guy going to do? You fessed up, gave both of them a compliment and took the wind right out of his sails… It also helps if you are fairly certain you can kick his ass if he starts something. Your confidence will let him know it too.